Does anyone else feel like something they are anticipating is going to be so exciting and different and have sparkles just hanging in the air announcing that THIS is what you have been waiting for for so long? I do. Especially birthdays and trips. I gave up on birthdays a long time ago. Waking up to a day just like any other is just a mite dissappointing when it's supposed to be the greatest day of the year.

And Japan is pretty cool...But there are no sparkles in the air. I could have gotten on a plane and flown around in circles for 10 hours while they moved in a bunch of Japanese people. I am not endlessly happy and healthy. The walls of this house are made of the same thing as everywhere else. I wake up in the morning and stare at the curtains, willing them to be made of sugar or be slightly glowing. But they're not, they're just mustard colored. And I still have trouble getting to sleep some nights, just like home. You'd think that on a magic trip, sleep would be easy, once you finally got to bed. My host people annoy me sometimes, which also shouldn't happen in a perfect world.

However, the food is very very good, pretty much all the time. Sometimes it's not even so different, but it is made by different people, which makes it infinitely different. It's fun to see things whose uses remain anonymous behind the language barrier.

I was watching tv today, because I am confined to the house for the afternoon, and the people on were insane. And I think I saw snipets of at least three different shows. It might have been for kids, which would explain parts of the weirdness. And the whole not understanding what they were saying I suppose.

This evening, we're going to a memorial service. I'm a little scared about the memorial service, we are just going for 30 minutes or so. I'm not quite sure why we're going. I hope it's not just so that we can observe a Japanese memorial. The lady who died was the grandmother of the man who is trying to help us get cell phones. He was here on the night she dies, but I think she finally did die after he left. I hope so, it would suck to know that you're grandmother died while you were trying to help a couple of picky foreigners get impossible cell phone plans. (Hey, one word they actually use Japanese for, keitai denwa, amazing!) Then after the service, we're going to a sushi bar...talk about killing the mood? And then we'll go see some other girls and plan a trip to Shibuya for tomorrow.

I have decided that my cold will be over by tomorrow. And it had better. I'm really tired of them trying to force feed me medicine and telling me that if I take a shower, I will get worse. And then hitting me, while I'm sick!! I won't complain too much it they pat backsreally hard while I'm healthy, but I really don't like it when I'm sick. And bowing really aggrivates a headache... We were talking about body temperature, I really don't remember why, and they think that 98.6 (37.5) is abnormally high. They say it should be around 35. Now, am I insane? Conny agrees with me, and it's more than one person here who has commented (Okaasan seems to tell everyone EVERYTHING about us). How is this possible? It's shouldn't be possible. I am really confused. But how could some people have a way lower regular temperature. And it doesn't seem likely that that many people are just mistaken.. yes, oh confusion.

I have a cold!! :'(((( I have slept most of the day because of it. Now I just can not bear the thought of sleeping any more. So I will write something for you!

More different things...
Cars must stop one to two car-lengths back from the traffic lights because the roads are so narrow that even regular cars need the extra room when turning.
No garbage can in the kitchen, is this normal?

So yesterday I spent my first time "shopping." We wanted to explore, but as we have discovered, if we do not have a specific place and a specific task in mind, we get one quick. We said we were going to go exploring, and then Otousan was telling us about this shopping mall that is only two stops away on the subway. And then he had decided that that's where we were going...yeah, his English is okay, but not good enough to refute things like that. So we went, promising to get some French bread while we were there.

They told us how to find the bread store, but they didn't tell us that it would be nestled in a basement full of all sorts of goodies. There must have been 25 stands of goodies just asking us to eat them. Most of them looked pretty French. There was lots of strawberry-topped cake!!! So I had to haul Conny through it all so we could get what we came for. As it was, later we bought four different pieces of cake to bring back with us for dinner. And a couple of donut goodies to eat right away!!

So after that, we escaped to do some real shopping. Except everything was way expensive!! So we just wandered around, looked at the crazy shoes, and lamented over the slain bunnies. The shoes are INSANE! All I can say is that they like color, a lot, and all together. All of them had pointy pointy toes, small heals, and were covered with stripes of rainbow, metallic, and patterned color. And some of them had strings of bells to go along with. It was okay that they were way expensive, because I didn't want to buy any. And we couldn't figure out if we could touch them or not. The salespeople kept saying "irashaimase" and there was a different one every 10 feet or so. When they muttered something at us, we didn't understand. Anyway...

The other stuff was mostly okay, with a little splash of WAY GARISH intersperced at regular intervals. They had a whole section of bright green purses. I guess it's a brand or something?? When they take to something, they take to it hard!!

And then there was the rack of fur stoles. At least half of them had to be real, and I don't know about the other half. And they were marked 50% off. That's the worth of life these days. So we petted them and murmured to them for about five minutes.

Yo, gotta taberu (eat).

Things that are slightly, or even very, different about Japan:
There are fire hydrant signs, but that doesn't make it any easier to find the fire hydrants.
Even cars beep when they back up.
You don't have to wear your seatbelt in the back seat.
No street addresses!
Bigger rear view mirrors.
No central heating in the houses.
TV programs start at odd times.
Buttons on the keyboard are not always what they appear.

That's all I can think of right now, but I'll keep you updated.

Okay, what have I done lately? On Thursday Okaasan took us to Minka En. There are about 20-25 old style houses on display. The big ones of the nobility, not common peoples' houses. But there were houses from all sorts periods and locations around Japan. It was kind of peaceful there, like Hobbiton or something. There was even one house with a circular doorway! Bery bery cool. We had some dango san kyoudai there too. Pretty yummy, if hard to eat. Had to sing the song of course. Sometimes I wonder if they think that we came here knowing nothing about Japan, they are always so surprised when we do know anything.

Later we took our first trip to a hyaku en store. A 100 yen store. It was interesting, but there wasn't a whole lot that I wanted to buy. There was a bunch of stuff that I will definitely get before I start classes though. Fun Japanese paper, pens, and utensils. Fun fun. Then I tried my Visa card for the first time, and it didn't work. But at least I was just trying it for fun. I've got to figure out what went wrong, we were in a hurry, so I wasn't paying attention.

Then we went to the Kawasaki Community Center and watched someone receive Gohonzon. Then we were in the picture. I don't quite know why they wanted us in the picture, it was more on a intimate ceremony than in the U.S. Well, I don't want to know, I wish I didn't know. Right.

Yesterday we had a quite day at home, mostly. I slept until almost 11. Then we took Rano the dog for a walk. It was a long walk, and we got lost a little, but only a little. He's an old dog, so he had some trouble going up and down stairs. It was kind scary. Mostly he would trot along like a puppy, but when we came to stairs, his back feet would miss and he would stumble. He actually fell once, but I was behind him to catch him. Scariness.

Then we separated again to go to a block meeting. Block equates to Group, but with twice or three times the number as I'm used to. There was a guy there who lived in the U.S. for 26 years, longer than me. So he translated for me. They were very interested in SUA. For the people who almost single-handedly financially support SUA, they certainly don't know much about it. The Mizunos didn't even know that there was a graduate school.

Oh yeah, and Okaasan had me wear a sunflower, the symbol of the current Komeito candidate. We're a little nervous about a religious organization mandating voting for one party. Okay, a lot nervous. So we asked what the Komeito poplicy is. They said peace. So we were like...how? And they didn't have too much of an answer. They were focused on peace in Iraq. But I don't know what that means for Domestic policy. From what I've heard, it sounds very conservative to me, which I don't agree with. Otousan said that most parties lie, and this one doesn't, so they are the best. But to me, if they tell the truth about doing something I don't agree with, that's still bad. Anyway, it seems very like SUA to me. High ideals with very little in the way of concrete policies that are going to make it happen.

This new setup is throwing me off...

Okay, Question of the day: How the heck am I supposed to remember all these darn names? Grace said it's important to remember names, but the only ones I remember are Okaasan and Otousan. And half of them I never heard well in the first place. Like tonight. There is this cute kid. His name is K--Kun. That's all I can remember. And it's not good because he is Okaasan's great-nephew. It will work out as long as I only speak when spoken too, as I do now because I can't figure out how to say anything I would like to. But when I can speak a little, which will happen hopefully, I don't know what I'll do...

Stuff you can learn even when you don't speak the same language: Okaasan and Otousan used to dance in competitions, and Otousan has a license to teach social dance; Otousan was a flight engineer, whatever that is, and just retired 2 years ago; they have 3 sons living in Tokyo and Hokkaido; Okaasan is so busy with SGI activities that she doesn't even have time to eat, literally; Japanese people are amazed that I can do gongyo and chant; it's been Okaasan's dream to host an SUA student; Maju's mom is her "boss."

Is simplifying the truth for the sake of communication okay?

So we did go to the art museum. We saw Higashiyama something. I just remember the one name because it's East and Mountain. Helpful to have that picture in your head. He's apparently one of the most well-known artists in Japan, or was. His paintings are supposed to bring across peace. They're kind of nice, but I don't see why he is considered one of the best. There were a couple of horses that looked like a talented 10-year-old girl who is obsessed with horses drew it. Oh well, one point where east and west opinion differ. Unless I'm just off my rocker and he really is the greatest painter ever to live. I think Conny agrees with me.

Today we went to Shinanomachi with Okaasan and Otousan to see a high mucky-muck in the SGI. We wanted to give him letters to give to President Ikeda. When the idea first came up, I was all ready to write a really long and involved letter describing everything I've been feeling for 20 years of existence. But when I sat down to write it, it took me a hour just to get started. Given, I was watching TV at the time, but it was Japanese TV, and I had no idea what was going on. But I wrote a letter, even though it seemed silly to give it to him. So anyway, we met with Mr. Fukase, the head of the Seikyo Shimbun, the SGI newspaper, because is a close friend of President Ikeda's(?) It was sooooo horrible, because we didn't understand what he was saying. I got a little bit of it, but there were times when we just had to change the subject. To make a long, boring conversation short, we mentioned that Grace was going to talk to Mr. Suda tomorrow and he called the guy up and gave is back our letters to give to Mr. Suda. Who knows? Okaasan and Otousan seemed to think he would be the best one to give it to. So we went to the SGI Headquarters to see Mr. Suda. He mumbles. I couldn't get any of what he said. He finally had to call an interpreter. But he was nice. He reminds me of Ed Feasel, very laid back and kind of a big man. He remembered Conny from a year ago too! We had some confusion with me going to Hokkaido and also wanting to go to a Headquarters meeting, but we'll email Hiro and hopefully get it figured out.

So with the extra trip, we were a little late getting back, but we did manage to get back in time for me to get picked up for another district meeting. It was at Okaasan's younger sister's house. Her and her daughter picked me up. The daughter, see? can't remember her name..., is 26 I think and has a 1-year-old son. Except I think she would be at home on the Soka campus. She's still very young and girly. Eh? She also has a sister, and later, I think we're all going to go to Shibuya together. They're really nice, and I think more real than Okaasan and Otousan. Not that they are insincere, but I think I could have more straight FUN with the others. They are less serious and intense. Anyway, gave my spiel in Japanese again, starred off into space while they had their meeting again. Was in another picture. All in all, a full day.

Tired of reading? I'm tired of writing.

Eek, I dropped the ball the last couple days. It's hard to find time to write when I just want to go to sleep!! But now, hopefully, I all better.

Okay, so the day before yesterday, we went to see Grace, who is living with her aunt in Shinanomachi. First we went to an international SGI meeting held in English and there were about 5 people there from Seattle. It was really funny. One I hadn't met, but I met him now. He asked a really good question, so I think he's a good guy. I was really weird to be at a meeting in Japan and have to have an interpreter for the visiting Japanese guy. Weird. But it was a good meeting I think. Naoki was there, which was kind of weird, but I didn't know if I made it weird because of what she did and is doing, or if she was really trying to do it to me.

Anyway, then we went to Grace's house. That is the smallest house I have ever seen! And it holds two people and a cat. I'm not quite sure how. But it was good to see her again and talk to her. She had a really hard time when she first got here because no one around her speaks English. And now her husband has found some tumors that could turn cancerous eventually. She is not having an easy time of it!

Yesterday we went to district meetings and they held a welcome party for us. At least at the district meeting I went to, I know Maju's parents, but Conny didn't know anyone. Then I had lunch with Maju's parents, and they showed me a picture album from their trip to England 10 years ago. Maju was soooo cute and young looking! That was fun, they are very nice people and are missing her very much.

And then the party was a bunch of people we didn't know, very few of them who spoke any kind of English. Not that they would let us speak Japanese mind you. But it was interesting. I gave a rubber-duck Ichiro thing that I got at the airport to a junior high student who loves baseball. I think he liked it a lot, which I don't quite understand, but who cares.

Today we might go to a art exhibition and then a Chinese restaurant managed by the mizuno's daughter-in-law's friend. Got that. Should be fun...

Haha, got lots to write about, so maybe I'll do it every day so I don't forget.

Yesterday we went to Ryogoku, not ryogaku. Ryo as in RYOshin (parents) and Goku as in country. I don't know what it means, but I thought it was interesting. We went to the Edo-Tokyo Museum as saw the history of Japan from 400 years about to post-WW2. We got a free tour in English, so we understood what was going on. It was really interesting to see how the people, common and upper-class, lived 400 years ago. Then we saw how Westernization started. Some buildings had Western-style walls and Japanese roofs. Weird. And they had a hotair balloon bomb thingy that floated over the Pacific Ocean to drop bombs on the West Coast of North America that weren't controlled by anyone. I was trying to figure out how they knew when to drop the bombs. The chick giving the tour was really nice and she showed us things that we wouldn't have noticed otherwise.

Then we decided to go have lunch and look about Shinzuku. It's one of the biggest spots in Tokyo I guess. The Tokyo government is there and a lot of businesses and people. We wandered in these little alleyways looking for somewhere to eat. After we ate, we looked at the guidebook for someplace to go and we realized that we were in the Red-light district. That made sense when I remembered all the guys standing at the entrances to bars and pictures of girls. No wonder it was so hard to find a decent place to eat! haha So we went to the other side of the tracks, literally, to the most wholesome side. We bought things and went to the biggest electronic store I've ever been in. The fridges are crazy and cool. They all have at least 4 doors and come in crazy colors. There were some that could be opened in either direction. Couldn't figure out how they did that... But it was fun and confusing and there were several things that I never figured what they did. Then we came back, but it was time 'cause my feet were hurting a lot. I even went to bed early. And I slept until 8:00, isn't it wonderful!

So that was my first day on the subway. I didn't even get lost. That's a good thing!! Today we're going to see Grace in Shinanomachi. Going to a study meeting in English. Should be interesting. I don't know if it is with English speakers or with Japanese people practicing their English. Either way...hmm. Subway will be more complicated because we have to go from one station and come back to another station. It's all an adventure.

Yup, gotta go!

Yeah, I know I was a little skimpy on the details earlier, but you can just go read Conny's new one to get the idea. We have been together since we met up at the Mizuno's house. New Topic.

Weirdest thing about Japan: Commercials. Insanely weird. Can't figure out what they are selling or they have too intimate a relationship with what they are selling.

Worst thing about Japan: When I'm asked a difficult question and I pause to think about it and the person thinks I didn't understand the question. I don't know what I'm doing after SUA. I need to think a little about why I chose SUA. I need some time!!

Most annoying that I'll have to live with: All the buttons on the internet are in Japanese and I keep canceling things because I can't read what it said.

Greatest enigma of Japan: Both mornings I have woken up before 7:00 am after having gone to bed around midnight. This is not normal for me. By my bodies choice, I am getting less than 7 hours of sleep.

Biggest spoiling in Japan: Hot meals 3 times a day. Yummy. Breakfast was eggs, toast, warm salad thing, ham, juice, and two kinds of tea (I guess I accidentally asked for it). Lunch was this yummy seafood thing over noodles. Dinner was lots of stuff: toast, french fries, breaded pork, fish/some sort of vegetable salad, rice ball, corn, juice and tea as I can remember.

Done with that I guess. Today we are trying out the subway system. Too bad we picked something on the other side of Tokyo to do it. Conny thought we were on the other side of the map when she decided she wanted to go there. That's okay though, we've got to figure it out some day. So we're going to Ryogaku I think, and to the Edo Museum. Our first big touristy spot. Should be fun once we get there.

The schdule has been being quickly filled up by SGI meetings. Doesn't bother me. One is a welcome party that will consist of mainly tempura and udon I think. Yesterday we went walking with Okaasan (Mrs. Mizuno) and in the process visited abot 4 SGI houses. We didn't really need to have introduced prepared because Okaasan did them for us. She's amazed and tells everyone that we know gongyo really well even though both of us messed up really badly because it was too slow. I can't figure out if Japanese people have a hard time learning it or if they don't expect people ouside Japan to be able to do it.

One thing about that walk is that Okaasan doesn't speak English, so they was a lot more Japanese than normal. Otousan (Mr. Mizuno) speaks almost exclusively English to us. I think he likes to practice his English. It's okay I guess, but he doesn't understand everything, I think it would be easier on some occasions for us to speak Japanese.

As you can see, I'm not all that big on detail by detail stuff, but I'll try to get better.

So much had happened since the last I thought about anything. Biggest change. Woke up in Japan. Don't know how I got here, but I did, so I might as well make the best of it.

Airport was boring, no need for description. Maju's parents and the Mizunos picked us up and drove us "home." Tolls are way expensive. The Mizunos have a lovely home. It's really big for Japanese. They have four bedrooms, because they have 3 sons. But they're all out the of the house, so Conny and I get our own rooms and everything. They are really great. Last night when we got here, Mrs. Mizuno feed us and we talked for a couple hours. They are insane. Maju's dad tried to get us to call him Nick. Go figure. Anyway, they are fun and I think it's the perfect way to get introduced to a foreign country.

Okay, more later. Must help Conny set up an outlet.

How many ways are there to spoil a person. I'm completely spoiled in the "things, physical manifestations of" department, but then in other ways, I am rather deficient. Here I was freaking out about the certificate I need and was told I would have in plenty of time, and I was given a couple options. And I was thinking to myself, "yes, must plan ahead to make this evilness the easiest it can possibly be." But I didn't. I told myself that it was a long trip, and that I should call in advance so I didn't make the long trip for nothing. And then I told myself that I needed my plane tickets just in case. I was trying to be a ready as possible so that nothing went wrong. But I never did do anything to prepare, because underneath all that was an irrational conviction that everything would be alright. That even though there was no possible way, it would happen. And then I got an emergency email to call Jason in Japan and I thought that something terrible had happened and that I wouldn't be able to go or I'd have to buy a whole other plane ticket or something. But it wasn't. He got the certificate so that I could get the visa before I left...

And the whole time the crisis was going on, I was thinking about how you have to take action to get action. And I did a little too, just not toward the visa. There were things on my list of stuff to do that I had been putting off, so I did those. And I figured, that if the certificate came in time, I would have at least had to prepare for it's not coming. But I didn't do anything, and it still came. So what's going on.

And then, I remembered a talk with Grace I had freshman year. I was complaining because lots of the other students had to go through crazy hardships to get to SUA and I had just applied and gotten in the first try. And she told me that there were other ways to struggle than just the obvious that I had been seeing so much of. I was in the beginning of that conversation that I had been telling her about my life, my mom and my family. So in connection, I was thinking about all the not-so-obvious obstacles that are in my path. They're mostly in my head and heart. My procrastination is just a symptom of my inner problems. And darn it!

But now I'm jealous of the people who have physical manifestations that they can fight. Half of my struggle is figuring out what's in the way and keeping myself believing it. It's always been like that I think. It's not like I've always had lots of money or anything, but when there's something that I want to do, money is never a big issue. On the other hand, I don't have a good relationship with my family, especially my immediate family, and I've always had hard time opening up to people. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a self-esteem problem that's masked, in part, by over-the-top confidence in some areas.

Hey, who needs a shrink? I can ask myself, "And what do you think it means?" without paying them lots of mula.

HE GOT THE CERTIFICATE!!!!

Okay, so I admit it, I wasn't going to blog. I've been avoiding it. But I was just reading the others, and Cassie's quote caught me. The one about not praying when it's raining if you don't pray when the sun's shining.

I guess that's kind of my problem. Most of my peeps are aware that I'm having a small crisis of faith right now. Maybe not a crisis, but something is interfering with my practice. Anyway, I've found myself wanting to pray lately. I'm feeling more materialistic than usual, I think it always happens when I'm at home. Maybe something about reverting to how I was before college? And yeah, I'm a pretty materialistic person in general, but it's gone overtime while I've been here. But that's not the only thing I'm worrying about right now. And I've been thinking about praying a lot, but I having done it except in my head. And when I read Cassie's quote, I realized that I feel guilty about that. For my whole life, I've been one of the strongest practitioners in my age group, and even above. I've been told that it needs to be a constant thing and have always believed it. When I heard the stories about people who had stopped practicing and had their life turn to crap, I was utterly astonished that they had allowed that to happen. And now I've basically stopped practicing. I don't avoid, but I don't self-motivate either. And now I'm afraid that my life is going to go the way of those other people. I'll be homeless someday or completely alienate everyone around me. But when I think about what I can do to stop this spiral that I have heard about for my entire life, I feel guilty that that is what it would take to get me back. And I also haven't reconciled with the reasons I'm putting distance between myself and the SGI. I never had anything bad to say about the faith, just the organization. So, is it dishonest of me to practice alone while disparaging the others when one of the other precepts is participating in the organization? They say that you can't practice alone, part of the religion is sharing with other people.

But then part of me rebels at the active part. I think that the ideas and taking action part are important, but I can't rationalize the chanting thing with the practical parts of me. To me, chanting has been about strengthening the resolve within the person. But lately, I have been surrounded by so many people who expect it to work like magic. I have always snubbed my nose at the mysticists and been thankful that I had found a religion that still used it's head. But many still don't. And I feel awkward about talking about it to any within the SGI, just in case they are the same way. And I WILL NOT talk to anyone I don't know just because they are big leaders. I trust them, at least those I don't know and respect personally, less than the rest because they are, it seems to me, spreading or at least not stemming these problems as I see them. I know, I have to take responsibility, and I'm trying, but this is about being honest right? Sp then I think about how I don't need it if I can be strong enough on my own, after all, that's what I've always thought chanting did anyway. Shouldn't I be able to stubborn myself through this?

And this leads to a whole new problem in my head. I am beginning to think that I am just selfish and cold-hearted. The things I think make sense to me in a practical way, but they come from the perspective that I am the most important person. And isn't that part of it? I really do think that we need to have our own best interests in heart. There comes a time when sacrifice helps, but a lot of the sacrifice I see around me will change almost nothing or could be severly lessoned. And I see selfishness in other people who force some to sacrifice things. Which sounds a little hypocritical, but bear with me. If we do our best for ourselves and those we are directly responsible for, we can expect and hope that others would do the same as well. If this is done without malice or anything other interest than pure survival, it wouldn't be about stepping on the little guy to get ahead. At one time in history, it may have been, and I don't know what I would say then, but now we can all live, and we must all live, in harmony with each other. We have the resources and technology to live relatively comfortable. We just couldn't use the standards that society has now, and we would have to be satisfied when we were comfortable instead of always wanting more.

Rant for the night. Looking back, it seems like I'm spiraling. Also from a lifetime of learning: it don't stop till you hit the ground. Either that, or they don't get invited to give experiences. Exactly two weeks from now I will be lost in the confusion of customs with no student visa.

Blog blog blog. Nothing. Nope, nadda but yearnings that have to wait. It seems I'm more ready than I thought to be out on my own. But I could just be ignoring the stuff I don't like. Sounds like me anyway.

So I'm having some difficulties resolving the selfish and unselfish parts of my soul, if you want to get dramatic about it. It's about responsibility and sharing lives and reciprocation and all that jazz. Not so much about money, but about time. Maybe, is money good enough, or how many parts money to how many parts pure time? It's kind of the culture around me, the whole "raising the future" thing. What comes first, our obligations to the past, present, or future? Or am I just being selfish? And is there anything wrong with that? Anyway, I suppose only time will tell.

Today I bought a $60 computer chair. I have to say, that's pretty good for a computer chair, if not so good for something I won't be able to use until August...after spending the same amount as it cost to send it. But it's not like we need one here, and I really wanted to buy it. Currently trying to figure a way to have my dad send it so that it. Problem is that I can send it now, and have it wait around, but my dad would probably put it off for months and then manage to lose the gigantic box. Don't know how that could happen. All I can say is that it's a good thing that he has a sugar-mama.

Spent quite a bit of time at Staples today, where I bought the chair. Climbed on, over, under, and and around it for at least 30 minutes. There will be no more buying of things that I'm not sure about from this section of the room. There were a bunch of people sitting in the desk area and using it as a meeting place. I hope they at least work there. Smart really, cut down on office costs. And then looked around for the ergonomic foot-rest that was advertised on the chair, but they didn't have it, only a standard. The guy seemed surprised at the notion when asked.

It's funny what I buy, I decided I didn't want to buy a bag thing that I wanted, and suspect would be highly useful, because it was $50, then I go ahead and buy something that I really don't need for more. Can anyone understand me, 'cause I sure can't.

Oh yeah. Decided to start buying movies, spur of the moment. Saw this absolutely beautiful documentary called "Winged Migration" and had to buy it. I would have bought the soundtrack too, but it was a miracle that I was able to find the movie itself. That got me to looking about, and now I want more. Starting a list and trying to confine myself...hard hard work. Once the money starts flowing, it's hard to stop.

Okay, so here are my honest and true thoughts on children...(brought on by a visit of my cousin and her devil children and the birth of my other too-young cousin's first child: all descending on me yesterday to confuse my thoughts and make me run away from the sheer volume of it all)

They truly have the potential to make someone's life miserable for the rest of their life. And even if they aren't the spawn of Satan (he's been roaming in the guise of the milkman again...) they take a lot of work, dedication, and selflessness. At this point, I don't feel that I am or ever will be in the right state of mind to become a parent. There is also the physical pain that is involved with the whole process.

On the other hand, what would I do when I got old if I had never had children. I would HATE to be dependent on my children the way my grandparents are on theirs, but most of their social life also revolves around their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Let's face it, when you get old, your friends start to die on you, unless you can be lucky enough to go first. ...

And I guess in my future planning, unconsciously, children are always involved, though a long, long time from now. But then, even if I did eventually want and have children, there is always the fear that they would turn out to be horrible serial killers or something. And then I would have to blame myself and feel all guilty. I'm not even exaggerating about one of the devil children being of the devil. She almost died when young and had to go through a liver transplant at 6-months-old and, as a result, was spoiled literally rotten. She never listens to anyone, tells blatant lies when asked direct questions regarding her actions, physically harms her mother when she tries to restrain her, and is an all around brat. Doesn't hurt that she's the only girl in a pack of boys. If I were her mother, I'd have to do something drastic, either to her or myself.

If I do decide to have children, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't be able to avoid it, I guess I'll just have to find a way to get past the pain and do the best I can to not raise maniacal hooligans. Either that or do what Grace did: marry into children who are already providing grandchildren.

That's it, it's official. Again. Anyway, reiterated...no kids. Evil evil things.

Stupid thing...won't even let me do stuff.

Well, I'm back in the land of the living. All the snow and ice is gone and the power is back on. Oh yeah, we're living large.

I've very insulted by a study that found Tacoma the #1 stressful city in the U.S. Not that I have a thing about Tacoma or anything, and I can't say anything about most of the criterian, but one of the reasons is that it's cloudy! Can you believe that!?!?!?! As if everyone in the entire world gets depressed when it's cloudy! I didn't catch where the people from this study were, but it had to be somewhere evilly sunny. I personally get depressed when it's too sunny. So I guess So Cal gets on the list huh? And it wasn't just Tacoma. The Portland/Vancouver metropolis is #10. I also find it interesting that those two cities are always together. Anyway, so I guess that NO Northwest city is on the LEAST stressful city list, only on the MOST stressful city list. I am angrified.

Who knows what grade I got. I don't want to look, I never do. And anyway, I don't know how to do it.

Ah ha!! (You can just try to figure out what that means)

I must record my morning so that we can all recognize the signs when we begin to age. Heck, we already think we're old and that the darn young-ins and taking over the world and plan to drive the rest of us insane. Case-and-point: Hillary Duff.

So this morning I took my grandparents to breakfast with their siblings and spouses (at this point, it's hard to remember which is sibling and which is spouse). All told, there were seven elderly people over 65 and me. Which isn't all that bad, I love my grandparents and the others are okay. But I noticed something this time, and it's something we must take pains to avoid.

First they were complaining about Bush and Medicare/Social Security (I don't know the difference or which one we were actually talking about). They were comparing copays on doctors, specialists, and prescriptions (among other things). And I must admit that they did have an excellent point. Bush screwed them over so he could pay for his pet war. Before we left, there was a little ditty on the radio (ad??? Skit??). It summed up the problem of Social Security perfectly. The father was telling the son that the son was going to have to help him and his mom out. And the son was all indignant because he thought that if he paid for his father, he wouldn't be able to pay for himself when he got older. And the dad said that his children would pay for him in the neverending loop. And the son just wanted to keep the money for his own retirement. Yeah yeah, 1) That's all great and good that he'll be taking care of himself, but what about the old people now who were forced to pay for their parents and weren't able to save enough. 2) Uh huh, he's going to be saving that money all right...right. 3) They just have to pay it to the military anyway, and how are they going to save it then? 4) I'm sure I could think of more or possibly less stupid arguments, but I'm done thinking, back to my story...

Anyway, so then they were talking about this skier that was lost for four days in the mountains (obviously) and they just found him alive. And they were saying that he was stupid for getting lost. Yeah, but what are you going to do. I'm sure he won't be doing that again. Then they moved on to an avalanche that took out a cabin. And they were saying that it was stupid of them to build in avalanche country and that they were probably going to whine because the Powers That Be allowed them to build there. Fast forward. They were complaining about people that were building on the flood plane...and let me tell you, there is an entire development on the flood plane. And they were talking about the stupid guys that work for the city who can't read a map to be able to tell when a house will be safe and when it's flood-prone.

I tell yeah. Either the people are stupid for expecting the government to keep them safe instead of taking care of themselves, or the government is stupid because they aren't keeping the people safe with their permits and stuff. It's a bit of a dilemma for me. Yeah, SOMEone is being stupid, because, obviously, houses are going up where they shouldn't, whether in a flood area or an avalanche area. But I don't think you can fault both sides for the same thing.

My personal feeling is that they just want to complain because it's different from when they were in their prime. So watch yourself. If you start complain about both sides of things, just because they are different than the way you like them or remember then, you gotta find a way to stop. Your complaints should remain pretty much consistent logically. Complaining can help purge things, I think, but only in a healthy, moderate dose. It's no way to live always looking at things negatively. Pointing out the positive side, or why some person might not be as stupid as they seem doesn't get you very far with my elderly relatives. Don't be the same way. Yeah, and I know. I should be the one to talk.

Oh and by the way, that's not all they complained about. The only thing they talked about was news and stuff, and why whatever was happening was some stupid person's fault. I think that they didn't mean it that way, but it's kind of what it turned into. It was the "back in my day, pigs could fly and were happy to jump in our ovens to be cooked and eaten" kind of thing. So we gotta live in the moment, in the now, in the 21st century, in...hehe...and not feel like the world is falling apart around us because things are being done a different way and people have different values than they used to.

You can have my soap box back now.

I had such a wonderful thing to tell you all, but now I can't remember what it is. I guess the "right, left, right, left..." it took to get here just knocked it clean out of my head. Well, then I guess it can't have been too importante. Sorry to waste your time.

Grrrr...Argh Is it so difficult people? Apparently so. If this is all I have to avoid to stay out of trouble as an "adult," I think I'm set.

Happy New Year.

Why oh why do I always go to MORNING New Year's Gongyo? I guess I don't want to be associated with the slackers at the afternoon session. And I always notice the the Bellinghamsters come for Morning. They're no slackers those ones; I'm glad to have been raised among them. I went with my brother who had to be there 1 1/2 early. And I noticed another Bellinghamster on Soka Group as well. I wonder what time he woke up this morning. I almost didn't make it myself and it takes twice the time for them to get there. Not that we're particularly close complared to some people, but yeah. Actually it was pretty full. When they asked everyone to move to the middle so they could seat the people in the back, I laughed, but there actually WERE people in the back.

It's snowing again. And we're on a hill. Come on people, it's just snow.

Happy New Year's Eve. They're giving $2004 away at the Mucklestoot casino today if anyone's interested. Oh, but I forgot, it's snowing.

Sleeping too much.

But studying some...Good Jessica. Got a question in the first chapter though...

Too many ellipses...oh what to do...? But that's who I am...I suppose...always contemplating the unsaid

"You have the right to remain silent: Anything you say will be misinterpreted and then used against you."

Now, how to steal a shirt that is too big for you from a suspicious troll who doesn't have any scruples against hitting girls.

It's Christmas Eve. Didn't know that did ya? What did I do today?

We had a little bit of Christmas with the peeps that won't be here the actual day...tomorrow. Most of the time, we open all our presents on Christmas morning, we aren't like the sissy people who can't wait and open 'em all on the Eve. Crazy, impatient people.

I made some chocolate cookies. Yummy. But they insist on feeding them to Santa. What's Santa going to do with them. If anyone needs to go on Atkins, it's him. Come on now people. They should give them to people who will appreciate them. Santa gets millions of cookies all in one night. I only get these kind of cookies when I come home from school. It's just unfair I tell you. I wonder if I should copy the recipe for that far off day when I will have a kitchen of my own...

We bought a couple of chairs too. Two of the ones from the set got broked. How's that happen? Boys of course.

Don't worry about the list, it is all just an attempt to validate my days. I think I'm wasting them away.

Anyway, then we went out to lunch again. I've been going out to lunch a lot lately... It was annoying though. My sandwich didn't have enough meat on it, so it tasted too much like cream cheese.

Then I went to the grocery store, that was pretty boring.

And then I finished my book. But between that, more Will-be-Christmas absentees came around...

Hmmm, I didn't do much today. I need to go to Gramma's and get the next book in the series. I hope it's already out. If it's not, it's coming out when I'm in Japan, and that will just be annoying.

Yup, that's all that's going on in my head. How sad. I made a list of all the stuff I need to do before going to Japan, that would be a good place to start. Maybe if the stores were still open, that would be a possibility.

Eep, eep. Maa

I really haven't figured out what's going on with my head yet. When I come home, everything slows down and I don't understand what's going on anymore. One of the good things about home is that I really don't have to think, but a bad thing is that I don't even try to work on myself. Here, it's okay to be lazy and spend too much money, and just bum around. Which is okay to a certain extent, but not so much for long periods of time.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousin who ran away just about three years ago. She's having a baby soon. She's gotten a lot bigger than she was, I think bigger than most pregnant women get. I haven't really talked to her since she ran away, I've seen her probably three or four times. We went to see a movie and have lunch and do some shopping, but we were with my Aunt and my other cousin, so I didn't really have to talk to her. I had no idea what to say. I don't remember what we used to talk about. I think we were pretty close, we spent a lot of time together at least. Now she just seems like her sisters who I haven't had anything in common with for years now. A couple of times she asked me questions about my life and going to Japan, but I just kind of answered quickly and changed the subject. How do you talk about college and figuring out your life to someone who threw theirs away and seems (I'm told by others) to just now be realizing it? She's younger than me, she'll turn 20 in May, and the only thing she has to look forward to is her baby. Her husband works all the time (for how much money?) and she also lives with her brother-in-law and father-in-law. And she only works two days a week for her sister-in-law for no money. I just cannot imagine. We have nothing in common anymore.

At least she's seeing the family again. I know it's really important to my aunt and my grampa that she spends some time with them now. They are really family oriented. She's sent me a couple cards, I got a Christmas card from her, and she emailed me once, but I just can't bring myself to reply. Ack, it drives me insane. I don't understand how she could pick the life she has now over the life she could have had. (what does that mean? Who knows, but I imagine that it wouldn't be as hand-to-mouth as it is now.) And her stupid husband is soooo greasy, if I could like him, it might be better. It's all speculation, but some of my cousin's old friends have seen him hanging around while my cousin's sitting at home all alone. Anyway, no speculations on the blog, too hard to explain. It's just 'cause I saw her today, that's all.

That's occupied my mind today. When I got back after dropping her off, I took a nap for an unnecessary amount of time, but that's okay. That's all my ranting for today, all I can handle...

Okay, here's me reporting in. I guess I gotta get used to it if I'm going to have to regularly from now on.

I got home okay and my brother was waiting at the airport. All my bags arrived. We had a little bit of a time getting them in the car because my dad decided to be even weirder and got a mustang. I'm telling you people. He's insane. But then the only thing I could do was take the keys from my brother and drive it myself. It's very low... About halfway home I started wondering if I should really be driving. Having only dozed the night before, I should have been falling asleep at the wheel, but that didn't start until I started wondering if that should happen. Yeah, I'm very suggestive.

But now I'm home again, and it's odd. I slept a full 12 hours last night, without having to try. The only time I woke up was when the alarm went off at 6:30. I hate when you forget to turn things off. And we all went to see Lord of the Rings today. At the end, or the almost end, everyone started talking like it was the very end of the movie. That was funny.

I'm still a little confused, but I'm sure it will get better. I hope...

Yes, I am going to take valuable time out of my paper writing for some blog writing, even though I don't get graded for this. Plus, it's not like I'm really writing anyway, I have no idea what I'm doing, so this probably won't detract any from the finished product.

I just want them to be done! Why is it that I have to finish them, aren't I leaving for another country soon? You'd think there'd be some sort of exemption clause for the people that have to pack up all their belongings. I tried to start packing, but it didn't work. For some reason, I just couldn't figure out where to start. It's also that I don't have anywhere to put the boxes. In the years past, I could just leave them in the middle of the room, but that isn't exactly going to work now, it is?

I am so caught up in this leaving thing. I want to go go go go go go go go go. But I need to finish this week, 'cause there is just too much stuff going on finals week, and it isn't even the finals that I'm talking about.

We're already talking about Spring Break of senior year, how crazy is that? It's like we're just not going to exist over study abroad. I'm making plans for Japan with completely different people. I'll exist in one universe in Japan and then come back to this one next fall. It's a little odd. I wonder how it's going to work. Or if it's going to work. I'll guess all we can do is wait and see.

Uhhh, gotta go.

It's Wednesday today...tonight...sometime. Tomorrow is Thursday...and then, well, you get the idea. Then the weekend, and another weekend, and another weekend...sort of. I gotta go home... Scary...but if I'll already done, what am I still doing with homework and papers to write? I think someone forgot to mention to the professors that we're already done. I wanna go to Japan!!! But I know that I'm gonna die there. Would this be dissonance? I've got to get on that one.

I've had a headache for two days running, I think this is a bad sign. Either I'm getting sick, or this whole limbo thing (here but not here) is getting to me. I don't know which I prefer actually. I have been thinking WAY too much lately. The more I think, the less I am grounded. This may be connected to the whole reading thing that we discussed earlier. I guess it depends on what kind of thinking and whether I use the thinking to some good use. Like anything, I don't think thinking is good for it's own sake. What's that called? Inherent. It's not inherently good.

I really hope that Japan helps my Japanese. I really want to believe that I can be fluent in a language other than English. I am too dependent on the English language to express myself. Though, ever since high school, there has been a steady decrease of my ability to express myself clearly. Pretty soon, if I don't learn Japanese, I won't be able to communicate at all. Maybe this whole capstone thing will help. When I can't communicate verbally, I'll do it visually. I guess it's just the more expensive way. Why haven't we Americans thought of this before???

What to write, what to write. I feel like anything I say is just complaining. Do I complain too much? Wait, don't answer that. But do I? Oh great, now I'm complaining about complaining. It's a vicious cycle that can never end. Remember what I said about the whole thinking thing. It's just really not good for you!!

Man's purpose in life is to die.

No words to express the frustration.

Hate Hate Hate Hate

Death

What's happening here? Are they playing with my site or what? I'm not sure if I know how to post, so if you can't read this, that is probably why. Helps you out huh? Now I looked, and I still don't know how I'm supposed to post... maybe I shouldn't waste my time. Wow, found it. What the heck is up with this. It's insane. I only found the posty button by shear luck. Wahhhh I don't like this! That was pretty close.

Okay, must type and just ignore the weirdness going on around me...la la la

I'm very tired today. For a couple days I managed to feel good without taking a nap...but now I'm back to the whole, got enough sleep last night, but still sleepy. I got a shot today, and it really hurt. It's never hurt like that before. She's mean, I think she must not like me. And what's with the waving the needle around thing...I really don't need that kind of thing.

I assigned a couple of articles tonight and helped them come up with a plan. I felt very knowledgeable 'cause I was able to tell them how to start and who to talk to and all that. But it's funny, 'cause I don't feel like I'm qualified for that kind of thing. But maybe I am, 'cause they seemed to be listening to me. Would they listen if I was just spouting off crazy things? Who knows. But maybe I have learned a few things, even though I don't really write articles. Oops, gotta get the horoscopes... She's got to have them done by tomorrow, scary. I should email...note to self - email. There that will do it.

Totally spaced out music today. It was the first day at this time, but we have been talking about this time for a couple weeks now. Crazy, I always wonder how other people do that, but here I am. It has been a forget-fest lately, well, the last 24 hours. Forgot the email and forgot the meeting, and I was getting so good about time-management too.

Oh, is it still loading? Crap, what is up with thing? Okay, don't look anywhere else. Finish the blog and then you can look around, okie?

"Merely freshmen"? Were we "merely freshmen"? I wonder, I feel like there's a difference, but that may just be me, or the people I happen to be looking at at the time.

I want to go to sleep!!!! It's kind of sad that I feel bad if I want to go to bed before midnight. Talk about people making fun. One: what is wrong with going to bed early? Two: Why the heck get angry with me for over-generalizing and then do it yourself? No wonder I feel attacked. Come on people. I think there is lots of preconceived notions running around. Maybe to not offer opinions anymore...yeah right, like that's possible. (pysch, hehe, wanted to use it...) But it my help my anger levels...

Enough ranting, go do something important with your life!

Okay, this is new. All the dorks of the world united and did homework on Saturday night, so I had no choice but to do as the Romans do. And now, it's Sunday night, and all my homework is done. Of course there are the random things that I could do if I wanted that aren't due for a while, but...I think I'll just write in my blog.

So I'm excited about this Capstone thing. I hope it goes well. Meeting with the French guy on Tuesday, don't know what to ask. Gotta meet with the big bear guy too. Need a reading list. Am I going to have the strength to read hard philosophy stuff while I'm in Japan? I must, I'm an existentialist, I think. Must find out. But I think there are going to have to be lots of images, 'cause where are we going to get the actors? Do you have any ideas about that? I don't. I wonder if part of it could be that we only have bad actors. As in, we're all just faking life? I don't, must consider. Going to have to start a list of things that we must do. Maybe I should do that right now. I hope I can afford a camcorder, it would make things so much easier, not to mention more fun in Japan.

Ohhh, Bisa thing must work out.

No one is emailing me...no one is emailing me...Should I just take the chance. That's what it's looking like. But what if I have to pull out, what about Connie and Mrs. Mizuno? But I am going, I have to go. The Japanese government couldn't be that mean right?

Right now I am living in the future. Japan, Capstone, JET Program(me)?, what is my future. I should be living in the now, while planning for the future. I think, right? If you are always planning for the future, there is no point in planning fun things because once you get there, you are already moving on.

Japanese fashion mags...yeah. The only time I'm scared of Japanese culture.

Should I yes? Should I no? Will I get caught up in the whole corporate thing? Should I steal the health book from Ann and do the test? Yes

I feel like I'm floating through life right now. Time is moving really fast right now, adding this movie like quality to life. When you look up and it's two weeks since the last time you looked up...it's a very interesting feeling. And then I'm reading Anna Karenina everyday and it sort of adds some surrealism to all of...whatever. I don't feel very connected to my life right now anyway, so going into someone else's doesn't do much for the whole realism thing. And also, no one is answering my emails about study abroad questions...making me very angry! And also seperating me from it...I may have to go on an email barrage campaign. But I hate that. I wish they would just answer me, I hate being pushy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just hanging onto the train of life with my fingernails until we get somewhere fun. And then at others, I read the blog and feel like I am way too melodramatic. So which is it?

Just trying to be a at calm but happy place. And I want to take you for granted? Um no. Actually, I'd like to not take people for granted.

Anyway, back to the reading a lot now...I kind of feel like it's bad for me. It takes me away from what's real, which is what people like, I guess. But I don't like it anymore. I feel like I'm not here anyway, so reading just takes me further away. Most of the time, when I just read a chapter, I'm okay. It's hard to get sucked in that fast. But when I read longer than that, when I can't stop, when I tell myself that this is the last chapter 10 times, I don't want to come back to SUA. I was to stay in Russia, or Switzerland, or Italy, or wherever they happen to be at the time. But reading is supposed to be good for you right? Getting new ideas and other points of view and all that jazz.

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. The JET program would be fun, but would it just be putting things off for another year, two years, three years, four years...five years. At the end of five years, I would be 26, almost 27... And still not sure what I would be doing for the rest of my life. They don't take you after you turn 40. So would that just be another way of dodging the question? It's still semiacceptable now, but what about then. Yeah it would be great to keep up my Japanese, but am I going to be a translator? Will Joyce help me?

Maybe if I actually figure out what's going on, I could feel better about my life. I'm still not part of it. I'm still a kid but one with impending adulthood on the horizon. I don't have a place in the world right now, but I'll need to make one very soon. Yeah great, but what does that mean? I have no idea about what that place might be. Darn you Soka! Look what you have done to me. "Let's offer her that broad Liberal Arts degree so she still can't really narrow down what she wants with her life!" "Sounds good to me!" "Let's do it, she'll never know." Sorry buddies, I'm onto your game. And it's working.

I'm alive, aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvee.

Okay, so some of you out there may be wondering at my lack of the blogginess lately. Well, for those of you here with me...SHAME ON YOU. I'm lucky if I check my email once a day. And for the rest of you...all, wait, are there any of you. Who knows if you even read it...anyway......

*shimmer shimmer shimmer*

It all started about two weeks ago. I was studiously studying, as is my habit (emailing, web-surfing, and freecell weren't anywhere near the surface of my mind), when suddenly a small earthquake, with the epicenter exactly in the middle of my desk, cause the books to fall, the box to run into my cup of water and the water to splash onto my computer's keyboard. Despite the heroic efforts of myself and a few other brave students, the laptop could not be resesutated. It had to be sent to the nations foremost electronic surgeon in Tennessee and we still haven't heard back as to its chances of survival.

*shimmer shimmer shimmer back to the real world*

And so there you have it. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (as much of it as I can remember anywho). Now I have to get back to my paper, and you have to wait around for another undetermined interval for my next blog.

p.s. It's hard to write a paper when you can even procrastinate about getting to a computer to start writing!!!

To busy to blog. I have such a headache!!

It's so unfair to be tired at 10:00 on Friday night. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend fully if I have to go to bed early? We should reconsider this whole thing.

What's the point of being challenged? Is it a good think to have to always defend yourself? She said that it's bad because they always support the negative feelings. At that age, that's what you want. It's not good for you, because you are just drawn in deeper, but, because you feelings are probably based a lot on hormones so you can't explain them, you are drawn to people who don't make you explain. Isn't it good to have people that support or accept what you say unconditionally. But what if what you say isn't right. There's a right way and a wrong way.

As age comes and hormones settle, you can examine what you truly think and why you think that way. Until then, you just have to grit your teeth and hold on. People who don't challenge you make that possible. And people who tell you you are right make it almost seem like fun.

But sometimes you just want to say something. So you just say something. You express an opinion. And then you have to leave or get really frustrated or maybe something worse.

Maybe I am an extraverted person. I wonder where the whole shy thing comes from. Because is 75% is extraverted...more than just 25% of the population in shy. Therefore shy can't mean intraverted. I'm confused. Was I just not raised in a social enough environment. But then, I'd still rather stay home with people I already know.

Oh yeah, gotta do the whole email thing. I wonder how money is.

Okay, so dream last night. It was all full of conspiracies. First, there were a bunch of people living in a large house with a man who didn't let them do anything. I think at one time he was a really generous person and that's why they all started living with him. But now, he wouldn't let them read books or anything. They hid books in shoes so he wouldn't find them. And now for some reason I'm staying with them... Then one night, we are trying to be all sneaky with books and stuff and he hears noises and is trying to find them. There was a really big foyer area that he was looking around in...

Then there were two people at a table who did something involving secrecy and spy stuff. They weren't supposed to tell me about what they did, but they weren't doing a very good job. And then the younger, more irresponsible one went to bed/left. And we found out he was double-crossing us. I don't know where the "us" came from. But he left his wallet on the rack that had a bunch of wallets on it. Now there are more of "us," and suddenly the double-crosser guy is Chester. So he's jumping in a car driven by Matt(?) and we're telling him that he can't leave because his wallet and car keys and everything is here, but he leaves anyway. And we lament that we always tried to get him involved in what we were doing, which sounded suspiciously like newspaper. So then I go through his wallet, and there are a bunch of old newspapers and a note. I don't really remember what the note said. But the newspapers all had a bunch of not nice commentary on them, about me specifically. I'm not sure who the mean commentator was at this time, though there was still a little bit of Chester, there was mostly someone else. So we feel all used because of this discovery.

Then somehow we're on a boat on some kind of executive committe meeting trip. But the boat sinks. So we find an island that has this big resort/mansion thing (Kind of like in the movies when some rich person always has a billion people at his house). So we ask him to stay 'cause we sunk and all that. And somehow the conspiratory thing comes up again. I went to a novelty shop and there they were, but I don't remember what I did. This could have been before the other stuff(?). I just remember all the secrecy and conspiracies and double-crossings. It somehow made more sense while it was happening.

Wow, someone's going to explode...and it's not me. I'm amazed. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who was feeling...overwhelmed, but underwhelmed at the same time and ready to get out of here. Though, there was lots of evidence to the contrary (e.g. people being mad at people they aren't normally mad at). Still, it's nice to hear it. Maybe I'll go to the bathroom. Suddenly it makes me feel better. Is that bad? But I guess it doesn't make me feel too much better, because no one should feel that way. It's not fun.

Ummmm. What is complaining? And why do we fall into its trap? Doesn't it just drive other people away?

I should read the darn Poetics again. But I don't particularly want to. Oooo, I should read it after I get the question tomorrow. That's smart, smart. Sometimes I come up with smart plans, like time management. Now, if I was really smart, each of these smart plans would be put into action. Let's up the IQ!

What is IQ? What is smart. Sometimes I feel smarter than people, but it's usually when they are demonstrating that they can't do something, and that something affects me. Why does the inability to do some things point to low IQ while others just mean that their talents lie in another area. Some people accuse me of being judgemental. Isn't that judgemental of them? He who has not sinned...blah blah blah. How can you not have an opinion of a person? It's impossible. Maybe you don't ever think of them or know they exist, and then you can have zero opinion. But the moment you think about that person, you have to have an opinion. Even if you are people watching and you have not and will not ever meet them, you have an opinion about their clothes or their posture... I just happen to state my opinions more often than others do. I express all of my opinions more than other people do. So, statistically, it has nothing to do with anything.

Must sleep. Don't judge me for sleeping before everyone else. And maybe I really do have good time management skills. Who is the one that has been doing work while the others are all gathered and talking about nothing?

It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday. And that's all I have to say about the subject.

"I wonder what the homework is. I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

Oh yes, and for the faint of heart of those of you out there, I shall be keeping track, don't you worry about it. All will be revealed.

Well, that didn't work. Spoil sports.

Wow, I've been writing everyday, and now I'm out of things to say. Well, maybe I just don't have anything to complain about. Isn't that sad. Only complaining on here.

So, then, what's the purpose of this here exercise? Is it just a cathartic thing?

Who knows? Now I'm too tired to think.

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow."

Truer words were never spoken.

"Send me random thongs."

I am ready to be not sick any more. Any longer. Either one, I'm not picky. Please. And tomorrow I have to do stuff all day long. It all has to happen at the same time. Sleeping has no joy any longer. Anymore. Sad, sleeping should be the most enjoyable thing in the whole world. Everything is really slow in sick-time. R e a l l y s l o w i n s i c k - t i m e . . .

I have been resurrected. But I'm still dying. Just because I'm alive again, doesn't mean that I'm not still sick. Isn't that a wonder. What happens when you resurrect a cancer patient. Wouldn't they still have tumors and all that. When you die, the tumors don't go away sooooo. The only thing I can guess is that when you are dead, they can do surgery and not have to worry about whether the patient will survive the complicated procedure.

It's HOT in here! But I'm not gonna take off all my clothes.

I should do some homework.

"She didn't make it. Who's gonna call it?"

"Time of death: 15:30."

"The memorial service will be held Sunday at 3:00 at the First Episcopalian Church on 3rd and Rucker. The media has been asked to respect the privacy of the grieving family."

I got excited about the haunted house again. We totally changed one of the rooms and now it's gonna be really scary. Could it have had something to do with the fact that none of the "leaders" were there? But anyways...

I have no thoughts in my head. It hurts too much. I have to have people around me to have thoughts for me. I am living vicariously through others' thoughts and actions.

It's so hard to be nice when you are sick. When someone makes a joke, you have to laugh, even if it means hurting your nose. I just want to sit and not have to smile when someone says something. I don't want to have to acknowledge them at all. Wow.

Spiders. Pygmies!

I am dying. There is a little alien in my head that is burrowing around looking for a good home. My head resembles an ant farm just about now. So far it has just stuck to the left side of my head, I hope it doesn't discover that there is a whole other side. I'll try to drown him. That's all I have to do for the next 45 minutes. Who is their right mind schedules things starting at 11pm? Deductive logic would tell me that this person must not be in their right mind. Or is it inductive?

I wonder if looking at a computer screen in a dim room is good for the recovery?

If you don't stop it, I'm going to have to start writing in Japanese!! Except...I wonder if this thing will show the Japanese. Let's test. ‚?‚?‚³‚µ‚??BƒWƒFƒVƒJ‚?‚·?B‚?‚¤‚¼‚?‚낵‚­?B

Did that work? Well, I guess we know what is going to happen now!

The little bugger is just sucking it all in. Quel dommage!

Blog blog blog...

Yeah, haven't I been good lately? Yes I have!

"Ready to carve my pumpkin =)"

The haunted house is FINALLY meeting tonight. Hopefully I can have some more fun with that. Why am I not able to accept leadership? I hope it really is just that they are bad leaders, because, if it's not, it's ME. And we all know when that happens. Then I have to deal with my own trust issues and issues regarding power and powerlessness. And then it's all a big mess. And who wants that? NOBODY, that's who. And by nobody, I don't mean Odysseus, let's just get that straight right now.

I even already started my Japanese homework. I should probably start on my Japanese presentation. But it's about the future. If there's anything I don't know about, that's it. From reading the stuff Joyce gave me and taking the tests, I think it's not so much that I don't know what I want to do, it seems like its more that I don't want to be rejected. If I don't make a choice and don't apply to anything they really can't reject me. It's a PERFECT plan I tell you! All I need to do to make it work perfectly is find a really rich guy who either loves me unconditionally or is really really old and will die soon. Aren't these sad thoughts? Who is letting me think these things.

Okay...happy...happy...

I did well on my first Kehlen paper! He even told me it was a good paper. The problem is, how do I improve enough to get a good grade when I have less improvement to do than last year. But of course, there is always unlimited improvement, especially for him. I think my new strategy for writing papers is going to stay. It takes more revision, but my sentences are shorter and clearer. There's not time for the thought to get lost between the time I think it and when I figure out how to say it in an acadmic way.

There's not. There isn't. Is that the same meaning? Funny. Who thought up contractions anyway? Why do we have them for some words and not for others? And why can't we invent more off the top of our heads whenever we want to? I think there's some bias going on! And not towards me, which is always a good thing!

Wow, I sure am "Loquacia" tonight.

Okay, now is the complain time. I really must be a control freak because I am so disappointed that all the rooms are decided and I didn't have a say. And that the monster committee is doing the people. Maybe that's what interests me the most. But then, I think they are inextricably linked, so I want to have a say in it all. I guess I'm not actually in the club that it's for, so what am I complaining about? But I really wanted to be totally involved. Part of the fun is the crunch time, when you have to make decisions fast and sit around arguing all night long. And then, when all this was going on, I could feel myself distancing myself for it all. It was all explain what's going on real fast and then if you have input at exactly the right moment, you can throw it in. And yeah, it's totally not fair to be mad, or whatever I am, because they have been working so hard and all that. But I guess I understood that I would have more to do with it than I do.

And yeah, maybe I complain too much, but if I can't do it here, it's all gotta be in my head. And um...isn't that the purpose of this whole exercise? Yeah I'm overly critical of a lot of things, so what of it. You don't like it, stop reading.

Maybe if I go to bed, it will all be better in the morning. At least until the next meeting...FRIDAY.

I could read almost all of the Japanese! Hehe, maybe I could have gotten it all if I had anything approaching a normal attention span. Darn gnat genes! I should probably work on that. It wouldn't do well to give up while in Japan. Maybe not such a happy situation.

Creep creep creep. This yellow wallpaper sure is sticky. I must be oppressed. If I wasn't, the wallpaper would be easy to walk through. I think. Or would it be green wallpaper. The color must be important. Note to self: remember not to get yellow wallpaper in the future. Do you think she just had a horrible interior decorating experience once and wrote the story as a catharsis? That's what apparently happened to Chaucer you know. Haven't you ever seen A Knights Tale? Come on!

Lights!!!!! Cold.

What do these other darn stories mean? Oh yeah, I can do some research about them too!

Do you think that when OBGYNs were kids, they were like, "When I grow up, I want to be a gynecologist!"? Or, if they didn't know the name for it, they would say, "I want to be a doctor for 'down there'"? And what do parents say when confronted with such interesting ideas?

Note: You are solely responsibly for maintaining the confidentiality of your password.

Why should I have to assess myself? It's difficult. But at least I finally went to see her. Maybe I will have a future eventually. Does this mean that some day I will be an adult? Ooooo, maybe it does. That'll be exciting. Now, am I extroverted or introverted? Which one do I want to be? Eek, I really am all of them, though I suppose that's what everyone says. I'm all like, you can't categorize me, I am an individually unique human being. Yeah right, isn't everybody. But I wonder if it changes the way you act to be labelled as something, or can it cause rebellion?

Mr. Play-it-safe was afraid to fly...And isn't it ironic, don't you think?

She's "suddenly over it." Why can't I do that?

I really really need to take some time off. Continuing like this has no purpose and may even end up making things worse, say if I blow up and kill a million people. That probably wouldn't be such a good thing, even beyond the fact that I'd go to jail for a million and one years and not graduate on time. Am I sort of doing it now? I think in a way, and I have to decide how much is enough, 'cause complete unattachment is probably beside the point.

Soooo frustrating. Is it me or not? Of course I feel like it's not me and my special circumstances, which are...??? But it may be, probably is. But there is stagnation all around. I don't think it's all me, there is too much. Japan will be good, as long as I don't fall into an English clique party. That dumb Fogle. He keeps hanging around and saying things in my head. Everything I say just implodes and there was no point in me saying it at all. How to just listen? Possible for me? Do I have some sort of defect in which I have to have others know what I think? Quiet is good. Quiet is good! Quiet is GOOD! Not to miss out on anything...what is there to miss out on?

Being far away from here will be a good thing.

Cliques may be a bad thing, but having several can be an escape. Why aren't we open to all peoples? There is something fun about inside jokes. Belonging.

Why is it that my writing has gotten a lot less complicated in the space of one summer? Hmmm, I wonder if it was the summer that did it. Maybe it was the dumb, completely random essays for Life and Death.

Does she really think that about me? That really hurts. And it's annoying. I'd like to think that they can see past my external, but I don't think they can. Then why...?

Ahhhhhh, why am I such a wimp? So good to talk to someone with some distance whom I trust. But not too much distance. I'm so confused, and I don't want to be. I should either take part or not. Ditto. Repeat? I shouldn't just do what I want when I want and not when I don't. Why is this such a big deal right now? Yeah distance.

Bow to Holy Jessica! Make that "holey." At least it's all over at once and I'll never have to get stuck for as long as I live!! Or a while at least. My arm feels like it weighs 1,000 pounds. How many kilos is that? Why doesn't the other one hurt. Just the tetanus hurts like heck. Ahh, pygmis! I would think the hepatitis would be worse, it seems like a heavier one because it's a 3-parter. I feel like Frankenstein with all my tape and band-aids.

Last night I read my own book for about 3 hours. It was kind of fun. But I skipped some activities and stuff to do it. I'm not sure about the book...it's entertaining obviously because I kept reading, but I'm not sure where it's going. It seems a little pointless. After the little homework strike, everything has really calmed down. I could have, and probably should have, worked on the essay for Monday, but I didn't. I had very little Japanese homework. Finished the reading in the afternoon. Cleaned the bathroom instead of homework. Relaxing in and physically strenuous sort of way.

Okay, that was scary. I hate these stupid things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so now I'm wondering if I didn't jump the gun a little bit. Or jump the fish? Anyway...Why is it Thursday the next time I've written? Yeah.

I took a break Tuesday night, went and saw a movie instead of writing a paper. Yeah, I know, I'm bad. But I was soooooo fed up with having homework all night long everynight. And then my professor was sick and the paper's not due until Monday now! Woohoo! It may just be my rationalization, but I take this as a message from the universe that it was okay. It's not like I do it every week, I haven't seen a movie in a long time. And then I finished last night's homework during the afternoon so I didn't have any pressing homework last night. So I cleaned the bathroom. Just when I was complaining and feeling like giving up, everything lightened. I think that's the way it should work. Not that I'm looking forward to when it all hits again or anything. And I should probably finish that essay...

Oh no!! I hope Connie will still come with me. The stupid visa thing!!!!!!!!!!! At least it will be easy for me because I'll just go as a student and not have to change while I'm there. But I need to bug them. Should that wait until I turn at least one thing in? I suppose...or Cassie! yea! Oh,,,,,I hope I hope I hope. And needs lots o' money! Alex seems open...every little bit helps.

?????????????????????????????????

So, apparently I'm not very happy. When did that happen? When was the last time I was really happy? Who knows? So, what is the definition of happiness? Is it not being sad? 'Cause I don't think I'm sad, if that has anything to do with it. I guess it's just that I'm not happy.

I was saying that I'm tired all the time. But it's only when I'm doing stuff that I don't necessarily want to do. But then, that's all the time. That's all I do. That's not how it should be huh? So the question is, am I tired all the time, or am I just doing stuff that I don't really want to do all the time?

At pretty much every moment in my day I can figure out something to complain about. Is that normal? Well, if it is, it's not good. Is this what they mean by projection? When will I get to a place where that doesn't happen? Instead of focusing on what's going right, I of course had to figure out if something is wrong.

Yeah, maybe sleep will help. HA.

Is it time to rant and rave? I feel like it is. However, I wish there was just a keyboard connected to my head, because typing it all out is quite time-consuming. Wait, now I can only remember one thing to rant about. Darn it! Oh yeah, going to have to say "darn it" instead of the c-word that I have been using lately. You may all think that I am over prudish, but too bad for you.

So, I guess the question is, what is the purpose of college? The purpose of this school is to "create world peace blah blah blah" through education. I guess that would be the operative word: "education." Primarily through learning things are we going to make a difference in the world. It's not through club, committee, or other activities that we are going to change the world. If that was the case, there would be no point in being here. You can start a club anywhere you want. I guess the thing about here is that there are a lot of people to join your club. But education, and not just of other people, is the most important thing. People are always saying that education is the most important thing, but they always mean other people. It seems like they feel that they are alreayd educated enough and now it's time to spread that to the rest of the world. Then what are you doing here? Go OUT there and educate people. You can't do it while taking classes at the same time, or at least, not as well.

...

Ahhh, that's nice, all minty fresh. (Without the mint of course)

So you may be asking yourself, "Self, what the heck is she talking about?" And I think that is a perfectly reasonable question. As such, I just may deign to answer it. Throughout the whole foreign language thing, Japanese has had the lightest homework load of all the classes. But, just recently, we had a rash of high homework nights. We have three or four homework pages and then a skit or essay due on top of that everyday, and then we have quizzes every day as well. And yeah, that's a lot of work. But considering that I have problems saying the simplest things and that I'm going to Japan in a couple months, this may just help to get me to the level that I really should be at. And yeah, I have been complaining just as loud as everyone else, but I usually don't start it until 10:00 the night before it's due, so there's not a lot of itme management going on here. People were saying that it's hard to get together in groups because of timing conflicts, hence the above conversation. Our first priority is not the club meeting, it's our class. Period. End of sentence. If you don't have enough time to do your homework because you are in too many clubs...uh, quit a couple of them maybe.

We are supposed to have homework for 2-3 times the amount of class we have. That's 1 1/2 times three...uhhh, 4 1/2 hours of class a week. Times two and there is a minimum of 9 hours of homework a week. I think that we've got it. So don't complain, we could have 13 1/2 hours a week.

Okay yeah, gotta go eat lunch and talk some Japonais.

AHHHHHHHH!!! Why can I not focus on my work!! According to the Wellness lady, that's a sign of stress. The only stupid thing is that it's what's causing the stress as well. I can't get away from it. I feel like I've been in school forever but we're only in the third week, or something like that. Of course, even now I should be writing my essay, or working on my nihongo homework. Isn't it funny that it looks weird written in romaji. Interestanteeeeeeeeeeeee.

Talking about stress has totally made me more stressed! It's like the abnormal pysch thing. Of course I'm going to see myself as stressed when we talk about it. And now I'm stressed about being STRESSED. It's just cruel I tell you. There is no justice in the world. What as I doing here anyway? That really is the question. And sleeping in on the weekends doesn't help because I know I should be doing something worthwhile. I slept in this morning when I wasn't supposed to. And then I felt guilty that I wasn't doing work so all the rest that I supposedly got from the extra sleep was used up in the worrying and feeling bad.

Yeah, guess I should stop complaining about having so much homework and just do it. HA

What's with all the relaxation stuff lately? It's everywhere!! In class, in the elevator, on the internet. I think I'll develop an ulcer just to spite them. That'll show 'em....yeah

So, if I just write every night, even if I don't have something to say, hopefully I'll get into the habit of having something to say!

Excited! Planned early bird special today. But it's going to be a lot of money!! Need to make some o' the green stuff I suppose. That would be good. Wonder what the Bank is going to say about the matter? Oh well, as long as I write the email soon. But I am going, even if I just have to sit in the middle of the street and starve. 15 mintues huh? Well, that's the way it is. All the good stuff happens and all the other stuff just waits to happen. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And just when I was thinking my cookie was one solid mass, it poofs into dust. It's kind of a scary feeling though. And now I have to wait long long periods of time. Yea!!

Too bad I won't be able to participate in the "en Feb" celebrations though. That might have been some fun. But this will be definitely useful to be included in the funness.

Okay, time to go to bed when I don't even care that I am massacring the English language.

Hi,

How are you doing? Blah blah blah.

Could you do this for me?

Thanks,

Jessica

Sooooo, I just talked to WuLa about all sorts of things ranging from the newspaper to my religious crisis. Why is it that I always feel really stupid after talking to her? It does get me thinking about what I say. And then she questioned one of the things I said a couple days ago and I have to clarify. I think I should really start thinking things out before I say them. But then, I think I am one of those people who think things out verbally. But at the same time, a lot of times, my mouth stutters because it can't go as fast as my head. Does that mean that I do think things out in my head. Because, by the time I actually get out what I was trying to say, it often is different than the original was going to be. Hmmmmm Does that mean that my internal thoughts, the ones that aren't being formed into words, are not complete or concrete? Or does that mean that I don't think in words? But then, most of the time I'm thinking about stuff, it's in an imaginary conversation. Sometimes the conversant person is a real person and it even has a setting. Is this normal? That's why a blog can work for me, because I can pretend like people are actually going to read this when I know that everyone has given up looking for it. This could be a good thing. What's the point of posting it on the internet? There has always been this random oxymoronic aspect to the whole blog thing.

So now I'm all contemplatey. Is that the same as depressed? It's similar on the outside.

How can I be honest enough to do me any good when I know, or think that possibly, other people are going to read what I write? I guess then it's just a way of keeping in touch with people. La la la.

Keeping in touch with people has always been hard for me. I think that I don't know if people want to keep in touch with me. Do they value my friendship? And so, if they do, wouldn't they get a hold of me. Though I suppose they are in the same circumstances as me. I'm shy. Why do people laugh when I say that? So sad. I am shy, and I just over do it the other way. Man.

Looking at blog. Must change it. It's boring. Uyen's is all pretty and fancy. She definitely got ahead of me in the whole internet page layout thingy......... I just want someone to teach me what I want to know. The darn books and sites are hard to understand.

I'm a morbid morbid person. Is it cheating to reread the blogs and comment on them. I guess I'll just make up for lost time and write billions and billions of words. That's all they are, words. There's no inherent value in any of it.

Hey now, what's this. I'm away for just a little while (relatively) and everything changes on me. What is this change thing? I hate change and attempt to hide from it as much as possible.

I was never in the photolab! What is this? Isn't there some law against taking pictures of people when they don't know it? I think there should be. Am I going to have to become a politician so I can get this passed?

Oh no!! That was weird! I couldn't find my blog until I published again. I guess that's what happens when you're away.

Haunted House, haunted house on the brain. I want to be really really scary! I hope they take my ideas

So...I was supposed to start this thing up again now that summer is here. Yeah, so? Don't look at me like that!

Here I am, I just passed the week mark, and I haven't started yet. And do I feel like starting? Not particularly. And has anything happened? Ditto. Yup, life is...you fill in the blank.

Gotta jet.

(Well, not really, but I don't feel like doing anything more...)

(Maybe I'll go write in the one that no one gets to see. Ha, how do you like that?)

Ahh, what happened? Where'd I go? I'll get back to you on that. Don't you hate when the computer eats it? That's what I get for being away for so long. Okay...concentrate, don't push the wrong button!

Ahhhh, don't think I'm neglecting you!! It's just the finals.

I wonder why I don't want to study. Well, I know why I don't want to study, but why don't I just? Not a good time to loss all of my self control. Study darn you!

Introspecting is so weird. Is it useful?? Or is it just depressing? I see how it is possible for someone to just withdraw into themselves and never come out to see the sun. A lot of times it seems like the smart choice. It's either that or overcoming my fear of confrontation. Funny, in my head I fight well, I always have a comeback and they don't. I've built it up so that I can't do it in real life.

So what's going to happen afterward when we all go off into our corners of the world. I didn't think there could be so many corners, but each of us has our own, and that's more than four corners. Corners can never come together. Is that when I will become even more withdrawn than I think I am now? I just want to sit in a pretty place and be noticed by the people that I want, but I want everyone else to ignore me. When people get into groups, it gets, scary and I don't like it.

There are too many people in the world for my taste. I get so frustrated, but I can't do anything about it. Will it ever get better? The population is growing at an unprecedented rate.

What is to become of me? What do I want to become of me? Won't you decide for me? Then I can blame you if something goes wrong.

I want to wear pretty clothes in a pretty place and only have pretty and happy thoughts, is that so much to ask. And yes, I still am that greedy, I am a product of my society. I have been socialized, and someone the media or whoever, did a pretty good job.

But I'm not a perfect nameless, that's where they went wrong. It would be easier to be a perfect nameless.

So, this whole schism thingy...so bad! But do I want to stop it?? Sometimes I don't even say "hi" to them. And I agree with Koichi most of the time. What is the Soka world coming to? What if I can't stand the third class either??? It can't continue like this, each class living in its own little world.

Eeeek, cleaned the bathroom when I should have been studying for some test or other. Gonna die, gonna die. I need good grades. I have been so worried about what grades I'm going to get. That's so bad, I should be worrying about whether the class was worth it and what I'm going to be taking next term, not to mention what I'm going to be doing with the rest of my life. But no, I'm worried about what grades I'm going to get. But does that motivate me to study?? Almost.

Swimming and Bio are over...why doesn't it feel like it? Those were some good cookies! Yummy, Yumi??? Mango...mmmmm! A week and a half, and then it's all over!! But they are going to be one tough week and a half!

Wednesday: Hump Day. What's the Hump Day Quiz Question. What is the motto of the US? Hmm, must run, gotta win the prize.
What else do we do on Hump Day? Look forward to the descent of the week. Almost the weekend. But that means it's almost Monday again. But Monday was only two days ago. Well, life is a circle, we eat and then we feed, that is the meaning of life, all this other stuff is just frills. Homework, turn it in, get more, or even better, homework, more homework, turn some in, get some more, turn in nothing.
Ack, heart attack. Would be a nice change of pace wouldn't it. Dying doesn't hurt, just those around you hurt. Selfish beings that we are. If death hurts, then why do we cause it so much. Who thinks about that cow's poor mother greiving, oh well, the mom cow probably got ground up last week.

I find myself in that same darned world again, where everything is as I see it.
The colors are a little different, but the shapes are the same, it is as I never left.
It's not about me at all, just my reactions, but it is me and only me.
I hate this place.
I want to dream so I can pretent it doesn't exist.
I hate finals.
It does exist, it is where I am, I can't hide.

Today is December 6th, and there is not a cloud in the sky. Yesterday we estimated the temperature to be in the upper 60s or lower 70s. What is wrong with this picture. Anybody? Yes, sir, you in the yellow jacket. By the way, where in the heck did you find a yellow jacket, aren't those a little conspicuous?? Just think, they've been used to portray people as suspicious and such, remember Tuck Everlasting? I think you should think about those things the next time you are out shopping.

Already off the a bad start, paper is due on Tuesday and I'm nowhere near completion. Why is this so hard? It's not. I should read some more I guess, but that's all I've been doing, how am I supposed to write when all I do is read. As long as I make a case for myself, it doesn't matter what I write about. It's not like it's an exact science or anything. Argh. Great, now I sound like a cat.

Never going to be able to play tennis again...

Going to sing today.

I hate the way my profile looks. I hate looking at myself from the side. It's so weird and not at all atractive. The look on my face is so sullen, and there is too much roundness of everything. Is that natural?? I don't know. Do I look normal from the side, or am I the only one who looks like an alien? So many questions! Person body image is such a horrible thing in a society driven by the media. Of course all the people in the media and movies and such are perfect. Even the fact that we call them perfect is such a horirble thing. They are not perfect, most of them don't eat anything to maintain that low percentage of body fat. Before television, they would have been considered the freaks, because that is what they are, they are freaks of natural, and now that is what all women, and men, aspire to. It's just wrong.

Never watching tv again.

If I was born 100 years ago, I would have died at age seven, if not sooner.

I have nothing to say.

Ohhh, I had a scary scary dream last night with bugs that wouldn't go away!! Sheldon had the Plague, which appeared to be bugs crawling all over you in my dream, and he kept insisting that it wasn't contageous, so he was giving us bread for some reason. And then the entire house, because we were all in a house, was infested with the Plague bugs, which looked pretty much like fleas except that they didn't jump, thank goodness! And every time you touched something, they would get on you, and sometimes they would bite you. And the people who were infested wouldn't stop walking around and touching things, Cassie. Ohh, it was an ichy dream!

Well, Ken is just to have to accept our rough draft, if not, ummmm.

I still feel like I have bugs crawling on me

So sleepy. Knocked my alarm onto the floor again.

Sociology better be easy today.

Music is evil.

The reprieve is over, back to the drawing board. I'm not quite sure why we feel like the weekend is a break, I tend to do more homework on the weekend than I do in real, weekly life! The time consuming part of the week is the actual classes themselves, not the homework...maybe. I'm probably baised because of my stupid schedule. Oh my gosh this week is going to suck. I must do much homework!!! And I actually have to do it. Plus all the practicing that is going on because someone made the concert too soon. It's just not realistic. No, schoolwork comes first, and I don't consider music schoolwork. What am I going to do??? Not go to sleep at 10 anymore, that's what. Must find VCR.

Tummy hurts.

Don't want to get dressed.

Happy new room!

Procrastination good.

Want a house to decorate.

Never need a pronoun again!!!!

Hehe, I changed my room around! Well, I directed the changing of my room around. Boys are much stronger than girls and you have to use each person's strength to the best advantage of the whole. Therefore, I used my directing skills and they used their muscles. Not quite done yet, but can see the finish line!! Interesting. Now just gotta get people to come over and see it, well, when it finally is done.

Now I have to focus on homework today. How are we supposed to submit a rough draft when Sammi can't work today?? How the heck to you submit a rough draft of a movie anyway. I've been focusing on the big homework this weekend, I also forgot about the littler stuff, like Japanese homework. Well, isn't that what Monday mornings are for?? Am I going to have to start making lists again? They take up so much paper!! Well, I guess, not when you're using a 3 by 3 inch square, but still, it's the principle!!

I hate the internet, some people say you can find anything, but I haven't been able to find anything that I've been looking for. One of them is even legal!! I think it was invented to throw people like me off the deep end! How did people do reports before there was the internet?

Where the heck am I going to put all the posters?

Brighten my day!