Eep, eep. Maa

I really haven't figured out what's going on with my head yet. When I come home, everything slows down and I don't understand what's going on anymore. One of the good things about home is that I really don't have to think, but a bad thing is that I don't even try to work on myself. Here, it's okay to be lazy and spend too much money, and just bum around. Which is okay to a certain extent, but not so much for long periods of time.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousin who ran away just about three years ago. She's having a baby soon. She's gotten a lot bigger than she was, I think bigger than most pregnant women get. I haven't really talked to her since she ran away, I've seen her probably three or four times. We went to see a movie and have lunch and do some shopping, but we were with my Aunt and my other cousin, so I didn't really have to talk to her. I had no idea what to say. I don't remember what we used to talk about. I think we were pretty close, we spent a lot of time together at least. Now she just seems like her sisters who I haven't had anything in common with for years now. A couple of times she asked me questions about my life and going to Japan, but I just kind of answered quickly and changed the subject. How do you talk about college and figuring out your life to someone who threw theirs away and seems (I'm told by others) to just now be realizing it? She's younger than me, she'll turn 20 in May, and the only thing she has to look forward to is her baby. Her husband works all the time (for how much money?) and she also lives with her brother-in-law and father-in-law. And she only works two days a week for her sister-in-law for no money. I just cannot imagine. We have nothing in common anymore.

At least she's seeing the family again. I know it's really important to my aunt and my grampa that she spends some time with them now. They are really family oriented. She's sent me a couple cards, I got a Christmas card from her, and she emailed me once, but I just can't bring myself to reply. Ack, it drives me insane. I don't understand how she could pick the life she has now over the life she could have had. (what does that mean? Who knows, but I imagine that it wouldn't be as hand-to-mouth as it is now.) And her stupid husband is soooo greasy, if I could like him, it might be better. It's all speculation, but some of my cousin's old friends have seen him hanging around while my cousin's sitting at home all alone. Anyway, no speculations on the blog, too hard to explain. It's just 'cause I saw her today, that's all.

That's occupied my mind today. When I got back after dropping her off, I took a nap for an unnecessary amount of time, but that's okay. That's all my ranting for today, all I can handle...