It's snowing again. And we're on a hill. Come on people, it's just snow.

Happy New Year's Eve. They're giving $2004 away at the Mucklestoot casino today if anyone's interested. Oh, but I forgot, it's snowing.

Sleeping too much.

But studying some...Good Jessica. Got a question in the first chapter though...

Too many ellipses...oh what to do...? But that's who I am...I suppose...always contemplating the unsaid

"You have the right to remain silent: Anything you say will be misinterpreted and then used against you."

Now, how to steal a shirt that is too big for you from a suspicious troll who doesn't have any scruples against hitting girls.

It's Christmas Eve. Didn't know that did ya? What did I do today?

We had a little bit of Christmas with the peeps that won't be here the actual day...tomorrow. Most of the time, we open all our presents on Christmas morning, we aren't like the sissy people who can't wait and open 'em all on the Eve. Crazy, impatient people.

I made some chocolate cookies. Yummy. But they insist on feeding them to Santa. What's Santa going to do with them. If anyone needs to go on Atkins, it's him. Come on now people. They should give them to people who will appreciate them. Santa gets millions of cookies all in one night. I only get these kind of cookies when I come home from school. It's just unfair I tell you. I wonder if I should copy the recipe for that far off day when I will have a kitchen of my own...

We bought a couple of chairs too. Two of the ones from the set got broked. How's that happen? Boys of course.

Don't worry about the list, it is all just an attempt to validate my days. I think I'm wasting them away.

Anyway, then we went out to lunch again. I've been going out to lunch a lot lately... It was annoying though. My sandwich didn't have enough meat on it, so it tasted too much like cream cheese.

Then I went to the grocery store, that was pretty boring.

And then I finished my book. But between that, more Will-be-Christmas absentees came around...

Hmmm, I didn't do much today. I need to go to Gramma's and get the next book in the series. I hope it's already out. If it's not, it's coming out when I'm in Japan, and that will just be annoying.

Yup, that's all that's going on in my head. How sad. I made a list of all the stuff I need to do before going to Japan, that would be a good place to start. Maybe if the stores were still open, that would be a possibility.

Eep, eep. Maa

I really haven't figured out what's going on with my head yet. When I come home, everything slows down and I don't understand what's going on anymore. One of the good things about home is that I really don't have to think, but a bad thing is that I don't even try to work on myself. Here, it's okay to be lazy and spend too much money, and just bum around. Which is okay to a certain extent, but not so much for long periods of time.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousin who ran away just about three years ago. She's having a baby soon. She's gotten a lot bigger than she was, I think bigger than most pregnant women get. I haven't really talked to her since she ran away, I've seen her probably three or four times. We went to see a movie and have lunch and do some shopping, but we were with my Aunt and my other cousin, so I didn't really have to talk to her. I had no idea what to say. I don't remember what we used to talk about. I think we were pretty close, we spent a lot of time together at least. Now she just seems like her sisters who I haven't had anything in common with for years now. A couple of times she asked me questions about my life and going to Japan, but I just kind of answered quickly and changed the subject. How do you talk about college and figuring out your life to someone who threw theirs away and seems (I'm told by others) to just now be realizing it? She's younger than me, she'll turn 20 in May, and the only thing she has to look forward to is her baby. Her husband works all the time (for how much money?) and she also lives with her brother-in-law and father-in-law. And she only works two days a week for her sister-in-law for no money. I just cannot imagine. We have nothing in common anymore.

At least she's seeing the family again. I know it's really important to my aunt and my grampa that she spends some time with them now. They are really family oriented. She's sent me a couple cards, I got a Christmas card from her, and she emailed me once, but I just can't bring myself to reply. Ack, it drives me insane. I don't understand how she could pick the life she has now over the life she could have had. (what does that mean? Who knows, but I imagine that it wouldn't be as hand-to-mouth as it is now.) And her stupid husband is soooo greasy, if I could like him, it might be better. It's all speculation, but some of my cousin's old friends have seen him hanging around while my cousin's sitting at home all alone. Anyway, no speculations on the blog, too hard to explain. It's just 'cause I saw her today, that's all.

That's occupied my mind today. When I got back after dropping her off, I took a nap for an unnecessary amount of time, but that's okay. That's all my ranting for today, all I can handle...

Okay, here's me reporting in. I guess I gotta get used to it if I'm going to have to regularly from now on.

I got home okay and my brother was waiting at the airport. All my bags arrived. We had a little bit of a time getting them in the car because my dad decided to be even weirder and got a mustang. I'm telling you people. He's insane. But then the only thing I could do was take the keys from my brother and drive it myself. It's very low... About halfway home I started wondering if I should really be driving. Having only dozed the night before, I should have been falling asleep at the wheel, but that didn't start until I started wondering if that should happen. Yeah, I'm very suggestive.

But now I'm home again, and it's odd. I slept a full 12 hours last night, without having to try. The only time I woke up was when the alarm went off at 6:30. I hate when you forget to turn things off. And we all went to see Lord of the Rings today. At the end, or the almost end, everyone started talking like it was the very end of the movie. That was funny.

I'm still a little confused, but I'm sure it will get better. I hope...

Yes, I am going to take valuable time out of my paper writing for some blog writing, even though I don't get graded for this. Plus, it's not like I'm really writing anyway, I have no idea what I'm doing, so this probably won't detract any from the finished product.

I just want them to be done! Why is it that I have to finish them, aren't I leaving for another country soon? You'd think there'd be some sort of exemption clause for the people that have to pack up all their belongings. I tried to start packing, but it didn't work. For some reason, I just couldn't figure out where to start. It's also that I don't have anywhere to put the boxes. In the years past, I could just leave them in the middle of the room, but that isn't exactly going to work now, it is?

I am so caught up in this leaving thing. I want to go go go go go go go go go. But I need to finish this week, 'cause there is just too much stuff going on finals week, and it isn't even the finals that I'm talking about.

We're already talking about Spring Break of senior year, how crazy is that? It's like we're just not going to exist over study abroad. I'm making plans for Japan with completely different people. I'll exist in one universe in Japan and then come back to this one next fall. It's a little odd. I wonder how it's going to work. Or if it's going to work. I'll guess all we can do is wait and see.

Uhhh, gotta go.

It's Wednesday today...tonight...sometime. Tomorrow is Thursday...and then, well, you get the idea. Then the weekend, and another weekend, and another weekend...sort of. I gotta go home... Scary...but if I'll already done, what am I still doing with homework and papers to write? I think someone forgot to mention to the professors that we're already done. I wanna go to Japan!!! But I know that I'm gonna die there. Would this be dissonance? I've got to get on that one.

I've had a headache for two days running, I think this is a bad sign. Either I'm getting sick, or this whole limbo thing (here but not here) is getting to me. I don't know which I prefer actually. I have been thinking WAY too much lately. The more I think, the less I am grounded. This may be connected to the whole reading thing that we discussed earlier. I guess it depends on what kind of thinking and whether I use the thinking to some good use. Like anything, I don't think thinking is good for it's own sake. What's that called? Inherent. It's not inherently good.

I really hope that Japan helps my Japanese. I really want to believe that I can be fluent in a language other than English. I am too dependent on the English language to express myself. Though, ever since high school, there has been a steady decrease of my ability to express myself clearly. Pretty soon, if I don't learn Japanese, I won't be able to communicate at all. Maybe this whole capstone thing will help. When I can't communicate verbally, I'll do it visually. I guess it's just the more expensive way. Why haven't we Americans thought of this before???

What to write, what to write. I feel like anything I say is just complaining. Do I complain too much? Wait, don't answer that. But do I? Oh great, now I'm complaining about complaining. It's a vicious cycle that can never end. Remember what I said about the whole thinking thing. It's just really not good for you!!

Man's purpose in life is to die.

No words to express the frustration.

Hate Hate Hate Hate

Death

What's happening here? Are they playing with my site or what? I'm not sure if I know how to post, so if you can't read this, that is probably why. Helps you out huh? Now I looked, and I still don't know how I'm supposed to post... maybe I shouldn't waste my time. Wow, found it. What the heck is up with this. It's insane. I only found the posty button by shear luck. Wahhhh I don't like this! That was pretty close.

Okay, must type and just ignore the weirdness going on around me...la la la

I'm very tired today. For a couple days I managed to feel good without taking a nap...but now I'm back to the whole, got enough sleep last night, but still sleepy. I got a shot today, and it really hurt. It's never hurt like that before. She's mean, I think she must not like me. And what's with the waving the needle around thing...I really don't need that kind of thing.

I assigned a couple of articles tonight and helped them come up with a plan. I felt very knowledgeable 'cause I was able to tell them how to start and who to talk to and all that. But it's funny, 'cause I don't feel like I'm qualified for that kind of thing. But maybe I am, 'cause they seemed to be listening to me. Would they listen if I was just spouting off crazy things? Who knows. But maybe I have learned a few things, even though I don't really write articles. Oops, gotta get the horoscopes... She's got to have them done by tomorrow, scary. I should email...note to self - email. There that will do it.

Totally spaced out music today. It was the first day at this time, but we have been talking about this time for a couple weeks now. Crazy, I always wonder how other people do that, but here I am. It has been a forget-fest lately, well, the last 24 hours. Forgot the email and forgot the meeting, and I was getting so good about time-management too.

Oh, is it still loading? Crap, what is up with thing? Okay, don't look anywhere else. Finish the blog and then you can look around, okie?

"Merely freshmen"? Were we "merely freshmen"? I wonder, I feel like there's a difference, but that may just be me, or the people I happen to be looking at at the time.

I want to go to sleep!!!! It's kind of sad that I feel bad if I want to go to bed before midnight. Talk about people making fun. One: what is wrong with going to bed early? Two: Why the heck get angry with me for over-generalizing and then do it yourself? No wonder I feel attacked. Come on people. I think there is lots of preconceived notions running around. Maybe to not offer opinions anymore...yeah right, like that's possible. (pysch, hehe, wanted to use it...) But it my help my anger levels...

Enough ranting, go do something important with your life!

Okay, this is new. All the dorks of the world united and did homework on Saturday night, so I had no choice but to do as the Romans do. And now, it's Sunday night, and all my homework is done. Of course there are the random things that I could do if I wanted that aren't due for a while, but...I think I'll just write in my blog.

So I'm excited about this Capstone thing. I hope it goes well. Meeting with the French guy on Tuesday, don't know what to ask. Gotta meet with the big bear guy too. Need a reading list. Am I going to have the strength to read hard philosophy stuff while I'm in Japan? I must, I'm an existentialist, I think. Must find out. But I think there are going to have to be lots of images, 'cause where are we going to get the actors? Do you have any ideas about that? I don't. I wonder if part of it could be that we only have bad actors. As in, we're all just faking life? I don't, must consider. Going to have to start a list of things that we must do. Maybe I should do that right now. I hope I can afford a camcorder, it would make things so much easier, not to mention more fun in Japan.

Ohhh, Bisa thing must work out.

No one is emailing me...no one is emailing me...Should I just take the chance. That's what it's looking like. But what if I have to pull out, what about Connie and Mrs. Mizuno? But I am going, I have to go. The Japanese government couldn't be that mean right?

Right now I am living in the future. Japan, Capstone, JET Program(me)?, what is my future. I should be living in the now, while planning for the future. I think, right? If you are always planning for the future, there is no point in planning fun things because once you get there, you are already moving on.

Japanese fashion mags...yeah. The only time I'm scared of Japanese culture.

Should I yes? Should I no? Will I get caught up in the whole corporate thing? Should I steal the health book from Ann and do the test? Yes

I feel like I'm floating through life right now. Time is moving really fast right now, adding this movie like quality to life. When you look up and it's two weeks since the last time you looked up...it's a very interesting feeling. And then I'm reading Anna Karenina everyday and it sort of adds some surrealism to all of...whatever. I don't feel very connected to my life right now anyway, so going into someone else's doesn't do much for the whole realism thing. And also, no one is answering my emails about study abroad questions...making me very angry! And also seperating me from it...I may have to go on an email barrage campaign. But I hate that. I wish they would just answer me, I hate being pushy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just hanging onto the train of life with my fingernails until we get somewhere fun. And then at others, I read the blog and feel like I am way too melodramatic. So which is it?

Just trying to be a at calm but happy place. And I want to take you for granted? Um no. Actually, I'd like to not take people for granted.

Anyway, back to the reading a lot now...I kind of feel like it's bad for me. It takes me away from what's real, which is what people like, I guess. But I don't like it anymore. I feel like I'm not here anyway, so reading just takes me further away. Most of the time, when I just read a chapter, I'm okay. It's hard to get sucked in that fast. But when I read longer than that, when I can't stop, when I tell myself that this is the last chapter 10 times, I don't want to come back to SUA. I was to stay in Russia, or Switzerland, or Italy, or wherever they happen to be at the time. But reading is supposed to be good for you right? Getting new ideas and other points of view and all that jazz.

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. The JET program would be fun, but would it just be putting things off for another year, two years, three years, four years...five years. At the end of five years, I would be 26, almost 27... And still not sure what I would be doing for the rest of my life. They don't take you after you turn 40. So would that just be another way of dodging the question? It's still semiacceptable now, but what about then. Yeah it would be great to keep up my Japanese, but am I going to be a translator? Will Joyce help me?

Maybe if I actually figure out what's going on, I could feel better about my life. I'm still not part of it. I'm still a kid but one with impending adulthood on the horizon. I don't have a place in the world right now, but I'll need to make one very soon. Yeah great, but what does that mean? I have no idea about what that place might be. Darn you Soka! Look what you have done to me. "Let's offer her that broad Liberal Arts degree so she still can't really narrow down what she wants with her life!" "Sounds good to me!" "Let's do it, she'll never know." Sorry buddies, I'm onto your game. And it's working.

I'm alive, aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvee.

Okay, so some of you out there may be wondering at my lack of the blogginess lately. Well, for those of you here with me...SHAME ON YOU. I'm lucky if I check my email once a day. And for the rest of you...all, wait, are there any of you. Who knows if you even read it...anyway......

*shimmer shimmer shimmer*

It all started about two weeks ago. I was studiously studying, as is my habit (emailing, web-surfing, and freecell weren't anywhere near the surface of my mind), when suddenly a small earthquake, with the epicenter exactly in the middle of my desk, cause the books to fall, the box to run into my cup of water and the water to splash onto my computer's keyboard. Despite the heroic efforts of myself and a few other brave students, the laptop could not be resesutated. It had to be sent to the nations foremost electronic surgeon in Tennessee and we still haven't heard back as to its chances of survival.

*shimmer shimmer shimmer back to the real world*

And so there you have it. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (as much of it as I can remember anywho). Now I have to get back to my paper, and you have to wait around for another undetermined interval for my next blog.

p.s. It's hard to write a paper when you can even procrastinate about getting to a computer to start writing!!!

To busy to blog. I have such a headache!!

It's so unfair to be tired at 10:00 on Friday night. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend fully if I have to go to bed early? We should reconsider this whole thing.

What's the point of being challenged? Is it a good think to have to always defend yourself? She said that it's bad because they always support the negative feelings. At that age, that's what you want. It's not good for you, because you are just drawn in deeper, but, because you feelings are probably based a lot on hormones so you can't explain them, you are drawn to people who don't make you explain. Isn't it good to have people that support or accept what you say unconditionally. But what if what you say isn't right. There's a right way and a wrong way.

As age comes and hormones settle, you can examine what you truly think and why you think that way. Until then, you just have to grit your teeth and hold on. People who don't challenge you make that possible. And people who tell you you are right make it almost seem like fun.

But sometimes you just want to say something. So you just say something. You express an opinion. And then you have to leave or get really frustrated or maybe something worse.

Maybe I am an extraverted person. I wonder where the whole shy thing comes from. Because is 75% is extraverted...more than just 25% of the population in shy. Therefore shy can't mean intraverted. I'm confused. Was I just not raised in a social enough environment. But then, I'd still rather stay home with people I already know.

Oh yeah, gotta do the whole email thing. I wonder how money is.

Okay, so dream last night. It was all full of conspiracies. First, there were a bunch of people living in a large house with a man who didn't let them do anything. I think at one time he was a really generous person and that's why they all started living with him. But now, he wouldn't let them read books or anything. They hid books in shoes so he wouldn't find them. And now for some reason I'm staying with them... Then one night, we are trying to be all sneaky with books and stuff and he hears noises and is trying to find them. There was a really big foyer area that he was looking around in...

Then there were two people at a table who did something involving secrecy and spy stuff. They weren't supposed to tell me about what they did, but they weren't doing a very good job. And then the younger, more irresponsible one went to bed/left. And we found out he was double-crossing us. I don't know where the "us" came from. But he left his wallet on the rack that had a bunch of wallets on it. Now there are more of "us," and suddenly the double-crosser guy is Chester. So he's jumping in a car driven by Matt(?) and we're telling him that he can't leave because his wallet and car keys and everything is here, but he leaves anyway. And we lament that we always tried to get him involved in what we were doing, which sounded suspiciously like newspaper. So then I go through his wallet, and there are a bunch of old newspapers and a note. I don't really remember what the note said. But the newspapers all had a bunch of not nice commentary on them, about me specifically. I'm not sure who the mean commentator was at this time, though there was still a little bit of Chester, there was mostly someone else. So we feel all used because of this discovery.

Then somehow we're on a boat on some kind of executive committe meeting trip. But the boat sinks. So we find an island that has this big resort/mansion thing (Kind of like in the movies when some rich person always has a billion people at his house). So we ask him to stay 'cause we sunk and all that. And somehow the conspiratory thing comes up again. I went to a novelty shop and there they were, but I don't remember what I did. This could have been before the other stuff(?). I just remember all the secrecy and conspiracies and double-crossings. It somehow made more sense while it was happening.

Wow, someone's going to explode...and it's not me. I'm amazed. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who was feeling...overwhelmed, but underwhelmed at the same time and ready to get out of here. Though, there was lots of evidence to the contrary (e.g. people being mad at people they aren't normally mad at). Still, it's nice to hear it. Maybe I'll go to the bathroom. Suddenly it makes me feel better. Is that bad? But I guess it doesn't make me feel too much better, because no one should feel that way. It's not fun.

Ummmm. What is complaining? And why do we fall into its trap? Doesn't it just drive other people away?

I should read the darn Poetics again. But I don't particularly want to. Oooo, I should read it after I get the question tomorrow. That's smart, smart. Sometimes I come up with smart plans, like time management. Now, if I was really smart, each of these smart plans would be put into action. Let's up the IQ!

What is IQ? What is smart. Sometimes I feel smarter than people, but it's usually when they are demonstrating that they can't do something, and that something affects me. Why does the inability to do some things point to low IQ while others just mean that their talents lie in another area. Some people accuse me of being judgemental. Isn't that judgemental of them? He who has not sinned...blah blah blah. How can you not have an opinion of a person? It's impossible. Maybe you don't ever think of them or know they exist, and then you can have zero opinion. But the moment you think about that person, you have to have an opinion. Even if you are people watching and you have not and will not ever meet them, you have an opinion about their clothes or their posture... I just happen to state my opinions more often than others do. I express all of my opinions more than other people do. So, statistically, it has nothing to do with anything.

Must sleep. Don't judge me for sleeping before everyone else. And maybe I really do have good time management skills. Who is the one that has been doing work while the others are all gathered and talking about nothing?

It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday. And that's all I have to say about the subject.

"I wonder what the homework is. I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

Oh yes, and for the faint of heart of those of you out there, I shall be keeping track, don't you worry about it. All will be revealed.

Well, that didn't work. Spoil sports.

Wow, I've been writing everyday, and now I'm out of things to say. Well, maybe I just don't have anything to complain about. Isn't that sad. Only complaining on here.

So, then, what's the purpose of this here exercise? Is it just a cathartic thing?

Who knows? Now I'm too tired to think.

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow."

Truer words were never spoken.

"Send me random thongs."

I am ready to be not sick any more. Any longer. Either one, I'm not picky. Please. And tomorrow I have to do stuff all day long. It all has to happen at the same time. Sleeping has no joy any longer. Anymore. Sad, sleeping should be the most enjoyable thing in the whole world. Everything is really slow in sick-time. R e a l l y s l o w i n s i c k - t i m e . . .

I have been resurrected. But I'm still dying. Just because I'm alive again, doesn't mean that I'm not still sick. Isn't that a wonder. What happens when you resurrect a cancer patient. Wouldn't they still have tumors and all that. When you die, the tumors don't go away sooooo. The only thing I can guess is that when you are dead, they can do surgery and not have to worry about whether the patient will survive the complicated procedure.

It's HOT in here! But I'm not gonna take off all my clothes.

I should do some homework.

"She didn't make it. Who's gonna call it?"

"Time of death: 15:30."

"The memorial service will be held Sunday at 3:00 at the First Episcopalian Church on 3rd and Rucker. The media has been asked to respect the privacy of the grieving family."

I got excited about the haunted house again. We totally changed one of the rooms and now it's gonna be really scary. Could it have had something to do with the fact that none of the "leaders" were there? But anyways...

I have no thoughts in my head. It hurts too much. I have to have people around me to have thoughts for me. I am living vicariously through others' thoughts and actions.

It's so hard to be nice when you are sick. When someone makes a joke, you have to laugh, even if it means hurting your nose. I just want to sit and not have to smile when someone says something. I don't want to have to acknowledge them at all. Wow.

Spiders. Pygmies!

I am dying. There is a little alien in my head that is burrowing around looking for a good home. My head resembles an ant farm just about now. So far it has just stuck to the left side of my head, I hope it doesn't discover that there is a whole other side. I'll try to drown him. That's all I have to do for the next 45 minutes. Who is their right mind schedules things starting at 11pm? Deductive logic would tell me that this person must not be in their right mind. Or is it inductive?

I wonder if looking at a computer screen in a dim room is good for the recovery?

If you don't stop it, I'm going to have to start writing in Japanese!! Except...I wonder if this thing will show the Japanese. Let's test. ‚?‚?‚³‚µ‚??BƒWƒFƒVƒJ‚?‚·?B‚?‚¤‚¼‚?‚낵‚­?B

Did that work? Well, I guess we know what is going to happen now!

The little bugger is just sucking it all in. Quel dommage!

Blog blog blog...

Yeah, haven't I been good lately? Yes I have!

"Ready to carve my pumpkin =)"

The haunted house is FINALLY meeting tonight. Hopefully I can have some more fun with that. Why am I not able to accept leadership? I hope it really is just that they are bad leaders, because, if it's not, it's ME. And we all know when that happens. Then I have to deal with my own trust issues and issues regarding power and powerlessness. And then it's all a big mess. And who wants that? NOBODY, that's who. And by nobody, I don't mean Odysseus, let's just get that straight right now.

I even already started my Japanese homework. I should probably start on my Japanese presentation. But it's about the future. If there's anything I don't know about, that's it. From reading the stuff Joyce gave me and taking the tests, I think it's not so much that I don't know what I want to do, it seems like its more that I don't want to be rejected. If I don't make a choice and don't apply to anything they really can't reject me. It's a PERFECT plan I tell you! All I need to do to make it work perfectly is find a really rich guy who either loves me unconditionally or is really really old and will die soon. Aren't these sad thoughts? Who is letting me think these things.

Okay...happy...happy...

I did well on my first Kehlen paper! He even told me it was a good paper. The problem is, how do I improve enough to get a good grade when I have less improvement to do than last year. But of course, there is always unlimited improvement, especially for him. I think my new strategy for writing papers is going to stay. It takes more revision, but my sentences are shorter and clearer. There's not time for the thought to get lost between the time I think it and when I figure out how to say it in an acadmic way.

There's not. There isn't. Is that the same meaning? Funny. Who thought up contractions anyway? Why do we have them for some words and not for others? And why can't we invent more off the top of our heads whenever we want to? I think there's some bias going on! And not towards me, which is always a good thing!

Wow, I sure am "Loquacia" tonight.

Okay, now is the complain time. I really must be a control freak because I am so disappointed that all the rooms are decided and I didn't have a say. And that the monster committee is doing the people. Maybe that's what interests me the most. But then, I think they are inextricably linked, so I want to have a say in it all. I guess I'm not actually in the club that it's for, so what am I complaining about? But I really wanted to be totally involved. Part of the fun is the crunch time, when you have to make decisions fast and sit around arguing all night long. And then, when all this was going on, I could feel myself distancing myself for it all. It was all explain what's going on real fast and then if you have input at exactly the right moment, you can throw it in. And yeah, it's totally not fair to be mad, or whatever I am, because they have been working so hard and all that. But I guess I understood that I would have more to do with it than I do.

And yeah, maybe I complain too much, but if I can't do it here, it's all gotta be in my head. And um...isn't that the purpose of this whole exercise? Yeah I'm overly critical of a lot of things, so what of it. You don't like it, stop reading.

Maybe if I go to bed, it will all be better in the morning. At least until the next meeting...FRIDAY.

I could read almost all of the Japanese! Hehe, maybe I could have gotten it all if I had anything approaching a normal attention span. Darn gnat genes! I should probably work on that. It wouldn't do well to give up while in Japan. Maybe not such a happy situation.

Creep creep creep. This yellow wallpaper sure is sticky. I must be oppressed. If I wasn't, the wallpaper would be easy to walk through. I think. Or would it be green wallpaper. The color must be important. Note to self: remember not to get yellow wallpaper in the future. Do you think she just had a horrible interior decorating experience once and wrote the story as a catharsis? That's what apparently happened to Chaucer you know. Haven't you ever seen A Knights Tale? Come on!

Lights!!!!! Cold.

What do these other darn stories mean? Oh yeah, I can do some research about them too!

Do you think that when OBGYNs were kids, they were like, "When I grow up, I want to be a gynecologist!"? Or, if they didn't know the name for it, they would say, "I want to be a doctor for 'down there'"? And what do parents say when confronted with such interesting ideas?

Note: You are solely responsibly for maintaining the confidentiality of your password.

Why should I have to assess myself? It's difficult. But at least I finally went to see her. Maybe I will have a future eventually. Does this mean that some day I will be an adult? Ooooo, maybe it does. That'll be exciting. Now, am I extroverted or introverted? Which one do I want to be? Eek, I really am all of them, though I suppose that's what everyone says. I'm all like, you can't categorize me, I am an individually unique human being. Yeah right, isn't everybody. But I wonder if it changes the way you act to be labelled as something, or can it cause rebellion?

Mr. Play-it-safe was afraid to fly...And isn't it ironic, don't you think?

She's "suddenly over it." Why can't I do that?

I really really need to take some time off. Continuing like this has no purpose and may even end up making things worse, say if I blow up and kill a million people. That probably wouldn't be such a good thing, even beyond the fact that I'd go to jail for a million and one years and not graduate on time. Am I sort of doing it now? I think in a way, and I have to decide how much is enough, 'cause complete unattachment is probably beside the point.

Soooo frustrating. Is it me or not? Of course I feel like it's not me and my special circumstances, which are...??? But it may be, probably is. But there is stagnation all around. I don't think it's all me, there is too much. Japan will be good, as long as I don't fall into an English clique party. That dumb Fogle. He keeps hanging around and saying things in my head. Everything I say just implodes and there was no point in me saying it at all. How to just listen? Possible for me? Do I have some sort of defect in which I have to have others know what I think? Quiet is good. Quiet is good! Quiet is GOOD! Not to miss out on anything...what is there to miss out on?

Being far away from here will be a good thing.

Cliques may be a bad thing, but having several can be an escape. Why aren't we open to all peoples? There is something fun about inside jokes. Belonging.

Why is it that my writing has gotten a lot less complicated in the space of one summer? Hmmm, I wonder if it was the summer that did it. Maybe it was the dumb, completely random essays for Life and Death.

Does she really think that about me? That really hurts. And it's annoying. I'd like to think that they can see past my external, but I don't think they can. Then why...?

Ahhhhhh, why am I such a wimp? So good to talk to someone with some distance whom I trust. But not too much distance. I'm so confused, and I don't want to be. I should either take part or not. Ditto. Repeat? I shouldn't just do what I want when I want and not when I don't. Why is this such a big deal right now? Yeah distance.

Bow to Holy Jessica! Make that "holey." At least it's all over at once and I'll never have to get stuck for as long as I live!! Or a while at least. My arm feels like it weighs 1,000 pounds. How many kilos is that? Why doesn't the other one hurt. Just the tetanus hurts like heck. Ahh, pygmis! I would think the hepatitis would be worse, it seems like a heavier one because it's a 3-parter. I feel like Frankenstein with all my tape and band-aids.

Last night I read my own book for about 3 hours. It was kind of fun. But I skipped some activities and stuff to do it. I'm not sure about the book...it's entertaining obviously because I kept reading, but I'm not sure where it's going. It seems a little pointless. After the little homework strike, everything has really calmed down. I could have, and probably should have, worked on the essay for Monday, but I didn't. I had very little Japanese homework. Finished the reading in the afternoon. Cleaned the bathroom instead of homework. Relaxing in and physically strenuous sort of way.

Okay, that was scary. I hate these stupid things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so now I'm wondering if I didn't jump the gun a little bit. Or jump the fish? Anyway...Why is it Thursday the next time I've written? Yeah.

I took a break Tuesday night, went and saw a movie instead of writing a paper. Yeah, I know, I'm bad. But I was soooooo fed up with having homework all night long everynight. And then my professor was sick and the paper's not due until Monday now! Woohoo! It may just be my rationalization, but I take this as a message from the universe that it was okay. It's not like I do it every week, I haven't seen a movie in a long time. And then I finished last night's homework during the afternoon so I didn't have any pressing homework last night. So I cleaned the bathroom. Just when I was complaining and feeling like giving up, everything lightened. I think that's the way it should work. Not that I'm looking forward to when it all hits again or anything. And I should probably finish that essay...

Oh no!! I hope Connie will still come with me. The stupid visa thing!!!!!!!!!!! At least it will be easy for me because I'll just go as a student and not have to change while I'm there. But I need to bug them. Should that wait until I turn at least one thing in? I suppose...or Cassie! yea! Oh,,,,,I hope I hope I hope. And needs lots o' money! Alex seems open...every little bit helps.

?????????????????????????????????

So, apparently I'm not very happy. When did that happen? When was the last time I was really happy? Who knows? So, what is the definition of happiness? Is it not being sad? 'Cause I don't think I'm sad, if that has anything to do with it. I guess it's just that I'm not happy.

I was saying that I'm tired all the time. But it's only when I'm doing stuff that I don't necessarily want to do. But then, that's all the time. That's all I do. That's not how it should be huh? So the question is, am I tired all the time, or am I just doing stuff that I don't really want to do all the time?

At pretty much every moment in my day I can figure out something to complain about. Is that normal? Well, if it is, it's not good. Is this what they mean by projection? When will I get to a place where that doesn't happen? Instead of focusing on what's going right, I of course had to figure out if something is wrong.

Yeah, maybe sleep will help. HA.

Is it time to rant and rave? I feel like it is. However, I wish there was just a keyboard connected to my head, because typing it all out is quite time-consuming. Wait, now I can only remember one thing to rant about. Darn it! Oh yeah, going to have to say "darn it" instead of the c-word that I have been using lately. You may all think that I am over prudish, but too bad for you.

So, I guess the question is, what is the purpose of college? The purpose of this school is to "create world peace blah blah blah" through education. I guess that would be the operative word: "education." Primarily through learning things are we going to make a difference in the world. It's not through club, committee, or other activities that we are going to change the world. If that was the case, there would be no point in being here. You can start a club anywhere you want. I guess the thing about here is that there are a lot of people to join your club. But education, and not just of other people, is the most important thing. People are always saying that education is the most important thing, but they always mean other people. It seems like they feel that they are alreayd educated enough and now it's time to spread that to the rest of the world. Then what are you doing here? Go OUT there and educate people. You can't do it while taking classes at the same time, or at least, not as well.

...

Ahhh, that's nice, all minty fresh. (Without the mint of course)

So you may be asking yourself, "Self, what the heck is she talking about?" And I think that is a perfectly reasonable question. As such, I just may deign to answer it. Throughout the whole foreign language thing, Japanese has had the lightest homework load of all the classes. But, just recently, we had a rash of high homework nights. We have three or four homework pages and then a skit or essay due on top of that everyday, and then we have quizzes every day as well. And yeah, that's a lot of work. But considering that I have problems saying the simplest things and that I'm going to Japan in a couple months, this may just help to get me to the level that I really should be at. And yeah, I have been complaining just as loud as everyone else, but I usually don't start it until 10:00 the night before it's due, so there's not a lot of itme management going on here. People were saying that it's hard to get together in groups because of timing conflicts, hence the above conversation. Our first priority is not the club meeting, it's our class. Period. End of sentence. If you don't have enough time to do your homework because you are in too many clubs...uh, quit a couple of them maybe.

We are supposed to have homework for 2-3 times the amount of class we have. That's 1 1/2 times three...uhhh, 4 1/2 hours of class a week. Times two and there is a minimum of 9 hours of homework a week. I think that we've got it. So don't complain, we could have 13 1/2 hours a week.

Okay yeah, gotta go eat lunch and talk some Japonais.

AHHHHHHHH!!! Why can I not focus on my work!! According to the Wellness lady, that's a sign of stress. The only stupid thing is that it's what's causing the stress as well. I can't get away from it. I feel like I've been in school forever but we're only in the third week, or something like that. Of course, even now I should be writing my essay, or working on my nihongo homework. Isn't it funny that it looks weird written in romaji. Interestanteeeeeeeeeeeee.

Talking about stress has totally made me more stressed! It's like the abnormal pysch thing. Of course I'm going to see myself as stressed when we talk about it. And now I'm stressed about being STRESSED. It's just cruel I tell you. There is no justice in the world. What as I doing here anyway? That really is the question. And sleeping in on the weekends doesn't help because I know I should be doing something worthwhile. I slept in this morning when I wasn't supposed to. And then I felt guilty that I wasn't doing work so all the rest that I supposedly got from the extra sleep was used up in the worrying and feeling bad.

Yeah, guess I should stop complaining about having so much homework and just do it. HA

What's with all the relaxation stuff lately? It's everywhere!! In class, in the elevator, on the internet. I think I'll develop an ulcer just to spite them. That'll show 'em....yeah

So, if I just write every night, even if I don't have something to say, hopefully I'll get into the habit of having something to say!

Excited! Planned early bird special today. But it's going to be a lot of money!! Need to make some o' the green stuff I suppose. That would be good. Wonder what the Bank is going to say about the matter? Oh well, as long as I write the email soon. But I am going, even if I just have to sit in the middle of the street and starve. 15 mintues huh? Well, that's the way it is. All the good stuff happens and all the other stuff just waits to happen. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And just when I was thinking my cookie was one solid mass, it poofs into dust. It's kind of a scary feeling though. And now I have to wait long long periods of time. Yea!!

Too bad I won't be able to participate in the "en Feb" celebrations though. That might have been some fun. But this will be definitely useful to be included in the funness.

Okay, time to go to bed when I don't even care that I am massacring the English language.

Hi,

How are you doing? Blah blah blah.

Could you do this for me?

Thanks,

Jessica

Sooooo, I just talked to WuLa about all sorts of things ranging from the newspaper to my religious crisis. Why is it that I always feel really stupid after talking to her? It does get me thinking about what I say. And then she questioned one of the things I said a couple days ago and I have to clarify. I think I should really start thinking things out before I say them. But then, I think I am one of those people who think things out verbally. But at the same time, a lot of times, my mouth stutters because it can't go as fast as my head. Does that mean that I do think things out in my head. Because, by the time I actually get out what I was trying to say, it often is different than the original was going to be. Hmmmmm Does that mean that my internal thoughts, the ones that aren't being formed into words, are not complete or concrete? Or does that mean that I don't think in words? But then, most of the time I'm thinking about stuff, it's in an imaginary conversation. Sometimes the conversant person is a real person and it even has a setting. Is this normal? That's why a blog can work for me, because I can pretend like people are actually going to read this when I know that everyone has given up looking for it. This could be a good thing. What's the point of posting it on the internet? There has always been this random oxymoronic aspect to the whole blog thing.

So now I'm all contemplatey. Is that the same as depressed? It's similar on the outside.

How can I be honest enough to do me any good when I know, or think that possibly, other people are going to read what I write? I guess then it's just a way of keeping in touch with people. La la la.

Keeping in touch with people has always been hard for me. I think that I don't know if people want to keep in touch with me. Do they value my friendship? And so, if they do, wouldn't they get a hold of me. Though I suppose they are in the same circumstances as me. I'm shy. Why do people laugh when I say that? So sad. I am shy, and I just over do it the other way. Man.

Looking at blog. Must change it. It's boring. Uyen's is all pretty and fancy. She definitely got ahead of me in the whole internet page layout thingy......... I just want someone to teach me what I want to know. The darn books and sites are hard to understand.

I'm a morbid morbid person. Is it cheating to reread the blogs and comment on them. I guess I'll just make up for lost time and write billions and billions of words. That's all they are, words. There's no inherent value in any of it.

Hey now, what's this. I'm away for just a little while (relatively) and everything changes on me. What is this change thing? I hate change and attempt to hide from it as much as possible.

I was never in the photolab! What is this? Isn't there some law against taking pictures of people when they don't know it? I think there should be. Am I going to have to become a politician so I can get this passed?

Oh no!! That was weird! I couldn't find my blog until I published again. I guess that's what happens when you're away.

Haunted House, haunted house on the brain. I want to be really really scary! I hope they take my ideas

So...I was supposed to start this thing up again now that summer is here. Yeah, so? Don't look at me like that!

Here I am, I just passed the week mark, and I haven't started yet. And do I feel like starting? Not particularly. And has anything happened? Ditto. Yup, life is...you fill in the blank.

Gotta jet.

(Well, not really, but I don't feel like doing anything more...)

(Maybe I'll go write in the one that no one gets to see. Ha, how do you like that?)

Ahh, what happened? Where'd I go? I'll get back to you on that. Don't you hate when the computer eats it? That's what I get for being away for so long. Okay...concentrate, don't push the wrong button!