Am I changing? Or has it already been there. I haven't really become very close to anyone from the program or the school.
I'm so much quieter here than at home or at school, and not just because of the whole not speaking the language thing. I can ride in the car for an hour with just me and my host mom, and the only thing I'll say is to point out a car from Nagoya and comment that it must have been quite a drive. Sometimes I'd rather just sit. I'm not bothered to ride the subway with two Japanese guys and have them talking to each other in Japanese and me staring at the advertizements like normal. I kind of enjoy riding the bus or subway by myself for more than an hour.
But when I'm with Sammi and/or Allison, I talk just as much as normal. That is, I never shut up. Am I afraid of putting myself out there? And I satisfied with the people I already know and don't care to meet new people? If this is so, what happens after Soka, and we all move to our various homes around the world? I'll have to make new friends somewhere.
I feel like writing lately. I've had thoughts like, that would be a good book. But do I have time? Probably, I'm sure I'm just scared that it wouldn't be any good. Would it be just a story book? Would it have some deep meaning? In a hundred years, will anyone care? I feel like my thoughts and ideas are different from other peoples, and if I wrote a book, maybe I could explain them to myself. But I wouldn't want to invent feelings with which to write a book. So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
8.7.04
4.7.04
So I've decided that even though I said that Japan doesn't have purple grass and a green sky(see first or second entry of alternate blog), there really is purple grass and a green sky, it's just disguised as green grass and blue sky. Confused? Visually there are some difference, but once you get used to that, it seems the same as wherever else, or at least it did to me. With all the things that matter, Japan is the same: everyone has five fingers on each hand, and they all like to have fun, and life is a daily thing for them too. But it's the little things that are different: everyone sits through all the credits at the movies, and they have horrible fashion sense, and they bow when they thank or meet people.
In some ways, all people are the same, well, at least all people that I've come in contact with. I think in all the important ways, that's how it is. All people are first and foremost people, and then they are whatever, whoever, wherever. And when I go to a new place, I'm disappointed that I can't immediately see and feel the difference to the core of my being. But the differences are different from what you think. They are smaller and sometimes you can't see them except for some random part of you that never tells the you who's YOU what it thinks. You just have to gradually come to know it. And at the same time to recognize it, you see your own culture or language more clearly. Trying to figure out why they do what they do, you have to understand why YOU do what you do.
If my experience here was exactly as I expected, I wouldn't have needed to come because I wouldn't have learned anything new. Fortunately, I don't quite remember what I expected because it all seemed like a big black hole. Maybe that's the best way, because then we don't have to be disappointed too much.
Hmmm, I'm supposing that some people are out there thinking, "wow, she is strange. Japan is completely different and there is no way it couldn't be." But the food, the houses, the external stuff that you can see is all easy to get used to. Maybe at the beginning it freaks you out to eat rice at every meal, but you can get used to it. I think the real cool crazy stuff is the stuff that you can't get used to, or you can't figure out why it's done. The stuff that just seems different but you can't explain why. Any of the physical stuff like food and clothes you can take anywhere and recreate, but you can't recreate Japan, and that's the interesting stuff.
In some ways, all people are the same, well, at least all people that I've come in contact with. I think in all the important ways, that's how it is. All people are first and foremost people, and then they are whatever, whoever, wherever. And when I go to a new place, I'm disappointed that I can't immediately see and feel the difference to the core of my being. But the differences are different from what you think. They are smaller and sometimes you can't see them except for some random part of you that never tells the you who's YOU what it thinks. You just have to gradually come to know it. And at the same time to recognize it, you see your own culture or language more clearly. Trying to figure out why they do what they do, you have to understand why YOU do what you do.
If my experience here was exactly as I expected, I wouldn't have needed to come because I wouldn't have learned anything new. Fortunately, I don't quite remember what I expected because it all seemed like a big black hole. Maybe that's the best way, because then we don't have to be disappointed too much.
Hmmm, I'm supposing that some people are out there thinking, "wow, she is strange. Japan is completely different and there is no way it couldn't be." But the food, the houses, the external stuff that you can see is all easy to get used to. Maybe at the beginning it freaks you out to eat rice at every meal, but you can get used to it. I think the real cool crazy stuff is the stuff that you can't get used to, or you can't figure out why it's done. The stuff that just seems different but you can't explain why. Any of the physical stuff like food and clothes you can take anywhere and recreate, but you can't recreate Japan, and that's the interesting stuff.
