How many ways are there to spoil a person. I'm completely spoiled in the "things, physical manifestations of" department, but then in other ways, I am rather deficient. Here I was freaking out about the certificate I need and was told I would have in plenty of time, and I was given a couple options. And I was thinking to myself, "yes, must plan ahead to make this evilness the easiest it can possibly be." But I didn't. I told myself that it was a long trip, and that I should call in advance so I didn't make the long trip for nothing. And then I told myself that I needed my plane tickets just in case. I was trying to be a ready as possible so that nothing went wrong. But I never did do anything to prepare, because underneath all that was an irrational conviction that everything would be alright. That even though there was no possible way, it would happen. And then I got an emergency email to call Jason in Japan and I thought that something terrible had happened and that I wouldn't be able to go or I'd have to buy a whole other plane ticket or something. But it wasn't. He got the certificate so that I could get the visa before I left...

And the whole time the crisis was going on, I was thinking about how you have to take action to get action. And I did a little too, just not toward the visa. There were things on my list of stuff to do that I had been putting off, so I did those. And I figured, that if the certificate came in time, I would have at least had to prepare for it's not coming. But I didn't do anything, and it still came. So what's going on.

And then, I remembered a talk with Grace I had freshman year. I was complaining because lots of the other students had to go through crazy hardships to get to SUA and I had just applied and gotten in the first try. And she told me that there were other ways to struggle than just the obvious that I had been seeing so much of. I was in the beginning of that conversation that I had been telling her about my life, my mom and my family. So in connection, I was thinking about all the not-so-obvious obstacles that are in my path. They're mostly in my head and heart. My procrastination is just a symptom of my inner problems. And darn it!

But now I'm jealous of the people who have physical manifestations that they can fight. Half of my struggle is figuring out what's in the way and keeping myself believing it. It's always been like that I think. It's not like I've always had lots of money or anything, but when there's something that I want to do, money is never a big issue. On the other hand, I don't have a good relationship with my family, especially my immediate family, and I've always had hard time opening up to people. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a self-esteem problem that's masked, in part, by over-the-top confidence in some areas.

Hey, who needs a shrink? I can ask myself, "And what do you think it means?" without paying them lots of mula.