Ahhhh, don't think I'm neglecting you!! It's just the finals.

I wonder why I don't want to study. Well, I know why I don't want to study, but why don't I just? Not a good time to loss all of my self control. Study darn you!

Introspecting is so weird. Is it useful?? Or is it just depressing? I see how it is possible for someone to just withdraw into themselves and never come out to see the sun. A lot of times it seems like the smart choice. It's either that or overcoming my fear of confrontation. Funny, in my head I fight well, I always have a comeback and they don't. I've built it up so that I can't do it in real life.

So what's going to happen afterward when we all go off into our corners of the world. I didn't think there could be so many corners, but each of us has our own, and that's more than four corners. Corners can never come together. Is that when I will become even more withdrawn than I think I am now? I just want to sit in a pretty place and be noticed by the people that I want, but I want everyone else to ignore me. When people get into groups, it gets, scary and I don't like it.

There are too many people in the world for my taste. I get so frustrated, but I can't do anything about it. Will it ever get better? The population is growing at an unprecedented rate.

What is to become of me? What do I want to become of me? Won't you decide for me? Then I can blame you if something goes wrong.

I want to wear pretty clothes in a pretty place and only have pretty and happy thoughts, is that so much to ask. And yes, I still am that greedy, I am a product of my society. I have been socialized, and someone the media or whoever, did a pretty good job.

But I'm not a perfect nameless, that's where they went wrong. It would be easier to be a perfect nameless.

So, this whole schism thingy...so bad! But do I want to stop it?? Sometimes I don't even say "hi" to them. And I agree with Koichi most of the time. What is the Soka world coming to? What if I can't stand the third class either??? It can't continue like this, each class living in its own little world.

Eeeek, cleaned the bathroom when I should have been studying for some test or other. Gonna die, gonna die. I need good grades. I have been so worried about what grades I'm going to get. That's so bad, I should be worrying about whether the class was worth it and what I'm going to be taking next term, not to mention what I'm going to be doing with the rest of my life. But no, I'm worried about what grades I'm going to get. But does that motivate me to study?? Almost.

Swimming and Bio are over...why doesn't it feel like it? Those were some good cookies! Yummy, Yumi??? Mango...mmmmm! A week and a half, and then it's all over!! But they are going to be one tough week and a half!

Wednesday: Hump Day. What's the Hump Day Quiz Question. What is the motto of the US? Hmm, must run, gotta win the prize.
What else do we do on Hump Day? Look forward to the descent of the week. Almost the weekend. But that means it's almost Monday again. But Monday was only two days ago. Well, life is a circle, we eat and then we feed, that is the meaning of life, all this other stuff is just frills. Homework, turn it in, get more, or even better, homework, more homework, turn some in, get some more, turn in nothing.
Ack, heart attack. Would be a nice change of pace wouldn't it. Dying doesn't hurt, just those around you hurt. Selfish beings that we are. If death hurts, then why do we cause it so much. Who thinks about that cow's poor mother greiving, oh well, the mom cow probably got ground up last week.

I find myself in that same darned world again, where everything is as I see it.
The colors are a little different, but the shapes are the same, it is as I never left.
It's not about me at all, just my reactions, but it is me and only me.
I hate this place.
I want to dream so I can pretent it doesn't exist.
I hate finals.
It does exist, it is where I am, I can't hide.

Today is December 6th, and there is not a cloud in the sky. Yesterday we estimated the temperature to be in the upper 60s or lower 70s. What is wrong with this picture. Anybody? Yes, sir, you in the yellow jacket. By the way, where in the heck did you find a yellow jacket, aren't those a little conspicuous?? Just think, they've been used to portray people as suspicious and such, remember Tuck Everlasting? I think you should think about those things the next time you are out shopping.

Already off the a bad start, paper is due on Tuesday and I'm nowhere near completion. Why is this so hard? It's not. I should read some more I guess, but that's all I've been doing, how am I supposed to write when all I do is read. As long as I make a case for myself, it doesn't matter what I write about. It's not like it's an exact science or anything. Argh. Great, now I sound like a cat.

Never going to be able to play tennis again...

Going to sing today.

I hate the way my profile looks. I hate looking at myself from the side. It's so weird and not at all atractive. The look on my face is so sullen, and there is too much roundness of everything. Is that natural?? I don't know. Do I look normal from the side, or am I the only one who looks like an alien? So many questions! Person body image is such a horrible thing in a society driven by the media. Of course all the people in the media and movies and such are perfect. Even the fact that we call them perfect is such a horirble thing. They are not perfect, most of them don't eat anything to maintain that low percentage of body fat. Before television, they would have been considered the freaks, because that is what they are, they are freaks of natural, and now that is what all women, and men, aspire to. It's just wrong.

Never watching tv again.

If I was born 100 years ago, I would have died at age seven, if not sooner.

I have nothing to say.

Ohhh, I had a scary scary dream last night with bugs that wouldn't go away!! Sheldon had the Plague, which appeared to be bugs crawling all over you in my dream, and he kept insisting that it wasn't contageous, so he was giving us bread for some reason. And then the entire house, because we were all in a house, was infested with the Plague bugs, which looked pretty much like fleas except that they didn't jump, thank goodness! And every time you touched something, they would get on you, and sometimes they would bite you. And the people who were infested wouldn't stop walking around and touching things, Cassie. Ohh, it was an ichy dream!

Well, Ken is just to have to accept our rough draft, if not, ummmm.

I still feel like I have bugs crawling on me

So sleepy. Knocked my alarm onto the floor again.

Sociology better be easy today.

Music is evil.

The reprieve is over, back to the drawing board. I'm not quite sure why we feel like the weekend is a break, I tend to do more homework on the weekend than I do in real, weekly life! The time consuming part of the week is the actual classes themselves, not the homework...maybe. I'm probably baised because of my stupid schedule. Oh my gosh this week is going to suck. I must do much homework!!! And I actually have to do it. Plus all the practicing that is going on because someone made the concert too soon. It's just not realistic. No, schoolwork comes first, and I don't consider music schoolwork. What am I going to do??? Not go to sleep at 10 anymore, that's what. Must find VCR.

Tummy hurts.

Don't want to get dressed.

Happy new room!

Procrastination good.

Want a house to decorate.

Never need a pronoun again!!!!

Hehe, I changed my room around! Well, I directed the changing of my room around. Boys are much stronger than girls and you have to use each person's strength to the best advantage of the whole. Therefore, I used my directing skills and they used their muscles. Not quite done yet, but can see the finish line!! Interesting. Now just gotta get people to come over and see it, well, when it finally is done.

Now I have to focus on homework today. How are we supposed to submit a rough draft when Sammi can't work today?? How the heck to you submit a rough draft of a movie anyway. I've been focusing on the big homework this weekend, I also forgot about the littler stuff, like Japanese homework. Well, isn't that what Monday mornings are for?? Am I going to have to start making lists again? They take up so much paper!! Well, I guess, not when you're using a 3 by 3 inch square, but still, it's the principle!!

I hate the internet, some people say you can find anything, but I haven't been able to find anything that I've been looking for. One of them is even legal!! I think it was invented to throw people like me off the deep end! How did people do reports before there was the internet?

Where the heck am I going to put all the posters?

Brighten my day!

What is my problem with authority? There are times when I am perfectly happy with someone who is telling me what is what or what to do or where to go; then there are other times when I can't stand a person telling me anything, let alone something that will have some sort of bearing to the future. What is the difference between these two types of people in my head? I think it comes from my own perceptions of them. If I think that they are capable people who know more than I, or course I will listen to them. But if I think that they are on the same level as me, or heaven forbid below me, I feel like they are hypocritical telling me what to do or giving me advice. That's why presentation is so important for a person like me. It's not even really about the way they dress, maybe sometimes, but I'm doubtful. I think it has more to do with the way they speak. I am thinking of one person in particular here. I don't know, maybe I am just a snob.

Hmmm, let's try not to piss anyone off today.

I now officially give permission for people and companies to start celebrating Christmas. You cannot start before Thanksgiving like so many did, or, even worse, before Halloween like a couple did. Don't these people know what is going on? It's called the Holiday Season; it's not the Christmas Season, each holiday has it's own worth. It seems like people just tolerate these other holidays so that they can get to the real one, when they can consume to their heart's delight, indeed, when they might be called a Scrooge for not spending all their money on frivolous items. What kind of holiday is this? An American one, that's what kind.

Proud to be American

Thanksgiving on the other hand is just kind of odd. We give thanks by spending all day cooking and then stuffing ourselves with what we made. Unless you're a man, then you spend all day watching television while the women cook, and then you stuff yourselves.

hunger

...

No more consuming for me! Except for the table and the barstool that I don't need. They were cheap. Does it count if they were cheap?? At least I didn't buy any of the $100 and up-ers that were cute and just begging to be bought. But then, if I bought everything in that store that I liked, I would 1) be broke and in debt, and 2) have nowhere to put any of it!! Maybe it doesn't matter if they are cheap, managed to not buy the 2.99 item, but that one was really mess-ed up!

Tomorrow is the big day, the day that has all turkeys shaking in their boots. That's right...Thursday. Today is the day that I'm leaving on a car-plane, but I know when I'll be back again. Saying goodbye isn't all that hard. Noone to kiss, that's for sure... I think I must be screwing up the order, but that's okay. Just don't shoot me!! Pay attention to whether the gun has bullets in it or not! That's a good girl.

Does singing mean happiness?? I sing all the time, but I don't necessarily think that I am happy. And remember, the slaves in the South used to sing out of misery according to Frederick Douglass. So therefore, why do we associate singing with happiness. People automatically think I'm happy if I'm singing. The only problem is that I don't differentiate the songs I sing when I'm happy and when I'm sad. But then, I don't think about whether I am happy or sad, I just sing because I feel like it or I have an evil song in my head that won't leave.

I guess I have to do some Japanese homework now. This must be homework weekend. Doing homework after 10 is just not working for me anymore.

Alice's Restaurant

I HAVE to end the agony! There is more to life than what is currently going on. Reading books may not seem like the world's greatest passtime, but when you can't, it seems like it! What to do, what to do??? Only 3 or 4 more weeks of the current agony, and then we can see if the next agony is any less painful, which I think it might be. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I need my time to myself that is not doing homework, or should be doing homework. The mornings are nice, but I should be, or think I should be, working during them, so that ruins it!

Shoes, and clothes, and furniture that I won't have anywhere to put next year, and stupid little things that I don't need (like hampers shaped after animals), and CDs, and appliances, and stuffed animals...lots of money. If only it weren't for money, I would be a happy, consuming, camper!

Negatives are cool. I don't not want nothing! Do you hear me!!! Even I, who made up the sentence, can't fully understand what I mean unless I count the negatives and move on from there. They really are the randomist thing ever to walk the Earth.

I am sick of music! I don't want to do it anymore! But if I don't sign up for the class, what am I going to do with my cello. Ahh, why do I own my own instrument. And it's not like I can get rid of it. Not that I don't want to play, on the contrary, I just don't want to play with certain people.

Three day weeks are silly. What can you get done in a three day week?? Not much, that's what you can get done! But hopefully it will allow me the opportunity to get some other stuff done. How the heck do you turn in a rough draft for a movie? Are we even doing a movie?? I hope we can use the equipment! What else do they use it for. We had better get cracking! I wonder when Madagascar is due. That would probably be a good thing to know.

Am I am worthwhile person? Is there any value to me? Or am I just another mouth to feed on this overpopulated planet? I like to think not, but there is that doubt sitting somewhere. I am just a consumer consuming things and making life harder for 5 billion other people. I guess. What's the point?

Today is a happy day. I get to play tennis hope it doesn't kill me head and I get to go home!! It's a great day, except to the fact that I have a Japanese kanji tesuto today, that part kinda sucks! I hope I do okay driving in Seattle, since I havn't driven since I've been there! There will certainly be lots of driving tomorrow, but I want to see people and do things!!

Wow, haven't eaten breakfast in a long time, my body is saying What the heck is this stuff? Hopefully I won't get bogged down, that would be a bad way to play tennis!

When I get back, I am definitely going to do some homework!!!! Lots of it! And productively too. It makes no sense to spend all day doing homework and then you got none of it done; you might as well just have played around the whole day, plus that's a lot more fun. Uh oh, I swear I just almost wrote "more funner" Lots of homework for Sociology and for AmEx. But maybe I'll focus on Sociology at first because I won't have Sam to work with.

Nothing at all interesting going on in my head.

So now they're going to let me publish huh? Well, we'll see about that!...right

It's getting to be crunch time. I still have some time so I'm not completely dying, but I had better hurry up!! If I would just start...but there is no nice little book to explain most of it to me, hopefully, I won't not be able to find anything! Don't you just love double negatives? Or triple negatives for that matter, though they're a little harder to wrap your head around when you use them. Sometimes the only time I can tell what is going on is by counting the negatives, but it still doesn't make sense the way some others do.

Hopefully this weekend will cure me of any evil "not want to do anythings." That would be nice. I think it's just the rate at which I don't do anything, other than homework. If I could just get out every once in a while I think it would be okay. But I don't, so it isn't.

I wonder if we're playing tennis tomorrow.

Publishing is unavailable huh?? Well, whatever.

Japanese homework took a long time last night, that was surprising. Maybe it didn't, but it felt like a long time. I still have to finish my "third draft" hehe, that is really still my first. I guess I need checks to make sure that I do my work, which I don't. I don't know what to write!! And I don't know people's names. So rough.

Really looking forward to going back to Seattle, but I'm afraid some people are going to be disappointed 'cause I won't have all sorts of free time I'm sure. Hopefully Saturday morning at least. Maybe someone will make me pancakes.

I am such a greedy person. I really don't need anyone to keep the elephant company, but I want them. And I was thinking that I could give them as Christmas presents, but I want them for myself! Is it better for me to be able to visit them? Or for me not to ever see them again? It's a tough call because I might get jealous if I saw them, but not seeing them would be a sad thing! Wow, I have such difficult problems don't I??

Okay, so I'm starting to notice a trend. I write a lot of poetry though I can't spell the word when I'm going to because that's when I think about all the stuff in the day but I barely get up to write it down. I did the other night and then went back to bed, but when I did that, I changed it in my head, but I didn't get back up to change it. So those changing, along with I don't know how many writy thingys are gone. But I just don't feel like writing when I'm awake, and a lot of the time, I'm too lazy to get up once I have gone to bed.

Is all this a good thing or a bad thing. I was discussing with myself the fact that poetry sometimes brings out the worst in me when I up the ante just to make the poem better maybe it's better that I can't remember them. It's not like I'm ever going to show them to anyone!

I had this scary dream that I had to read some poems to I don't know who, it was a bunch of people. And I had the poems impressed into my flesh and I read them off of there. Except that the first one which happened to be the one I wrote the other night I messed up on because somehow I decided to rewrite it while I was saying it, and it got all messed up. Then I don't remember the next one, but the last one I was supposed to read just looked like a pattern on my hand, and I thought I shouldn't read this one, it'll be boring for them. So apparently, I could have read it, I just chose not to. I wonder what it would have sounded like, were there words involved?

The never ending cycle continues...Monday, Monday, Monday, and occassionally a Tuesday or Thursday, but mostly Monday, Monday. One thing that remains constant, however, is that Jessica should have gotten up earlier than she did, because she's a lazy, lazy person. But I have to give her credit, she's also sick, so there was a viable reason that she should get more sleep than normal. I just wonder about those other days where she's not sick! It's good to have an excuse!

I'm looking forward to Saturday thought!! Or Friday, whichever way you look at it, or whatever day they tell me. Hopefully they will tell me soon however. I hate waiting and I have this fear that they are going to call me and tell me that it's off! Cruel cruel world!!

I am going to have the best darn Soc presentation in the whole world!!

I am going to have the best AmEx project in the whole darn world!

We will be a happy Japanese family and all of us will come to the family meetings, including me!!

Madagascar will be rediscovered through my research!

I will not die with so much writing next term!

I will not think about dying from writing next term until the term!

I will not be stressed out over all these things! I will look at them and start instead of crying!!

The world does revolve around me!! =P

I just remembered what today is. What is the purpose of celebrating or recognizing anniversaries? I didn't even remember until the end of the day, and then it is suddenly a bad day? That had nothing to do with most of the day. Sure I was sick, but just because of the date that was assigned pretty much randomly, it's supposed to signify something? Why should today be the day to remember and contemplate and all that stuff, shouldn't that be every day? But I haven't even thought about it in a while. I think. Sometimes I think about it, but not on an everyday basis. 'Tis a strang custom, just because it's been another 365 days doesn't mean very much in the grand scheme of things. But it still depressed me when I remembered.

Had a strange little fantasy when I did. One that I've never had before. That she came and found me today, because it was the anniversary and she tells me how good I am doing and how much I have grown up. She just ran off for some unspecified reason. At first, of course, I don't believe that it's her. I don't think I actually remember what she looks like from my memories, only from pictures. But it is her, maybe there is some picture of her that is irrefutably from less than 12 years ago. Then I have to get all mad and storm off, but eventually we would become close again. Unless I decided to punish her and never speak to her or have anything to do with her again. I wouldn't tell anybody else because I wouldn't want to hurt them, of course. And then I hear about her real death and I am sad that we never had time to get to know each other again. Of course, if that did happen, I'd have to be all pissed off, but it's a clinging thing I guess. I've never had that particular thought before, I hope I don't have it much either, it's just a depressing hope that would probably be worse that reality if it were true. I think I've been watching too many soap operas. This is the most reaching that I've done in a while, I wonder if it means that I'm doing worse than I've done in a while.

Last Will and Testiment:

I, being of sound mind, but not body, hereby bequeath everything to anybody who wants it.

(Maybe Sam should get the chocolate, but make sure she doesn't try to poke my eyes out with a fork!)

What is the Labor Movement? When was it? Where was it? Who cares? Apparently Ken. This should be a fun presentation since we have no idea what we are talking about. Maybe we'll just focus our time on Dos Passos. Who knows? Whatever it is, it will be a fly-by-night kind of ordeal.

I am sick. I hate being sick, but I can't "stay home from school" because 1)I live at school and 2)I can't even miss one class, I don't understand how people survive that. The only reason I pass my tests is because I can associate the things I read and what the teacher said. That couldn't happen if I wasn't in class every day.

I hate projects. I hate presentations. Why am I always the one that is doing the emailing? I want other peoplet to take the initiative and set a time. I never know when is good, but I do seem to know when is bad for everyone.

But I put it on myself. I sort of steal the lead and then everyone looks to me for the emails. It's my own fault, DARN ME!!

Want to sleep, but until I actually fall asleep, it's painful!

What does it feel like to have streep throat? How do I know if I have it? Do I really want to go to the nurse to have her charge me millions of dollars? I only have two oral presentations in two days, plus one next week. Hopefully I can talk, haven't done it yet today. Should I swim?

What are the words that people use to desribe me? If someone can't remember who I am, what does the other person say to remind them?

Where does all the time go? Am I tired because I sleep too much? I wish I could take naps, they are so nice.

Thanksgiving is coming up, probably have to do some homework, have to get started on that right away.

I hope I can talk.

What am I thinking about? I don't know, it's too tiring to think about anything. Right now I'm just reacting to things that happen to me, it's really bad. Yesterday I got in a bad mood just because I didn't have a pencil in Japanese class. Now admittedly, it's nice to have a pencil so you can erase, but it's not really something to get moody about. I some ways I'm better in that class, I'm not miserable anymore, but over all I don't think I'm doing any better in any of my classes. The scary thing is that I am starting to enjoy them more, I think. It's really hard to tell with me.

I really do have to start working on projects, that didn't get done last night. I just messed around during the presentation meeting. I guess I need to email the group to set a date, I wish they would do it, I hate setting times. I probably also need to go to the library to pick up some of those books. Is there a book limit from the library? Maybe I can go after AmEx today...but I'll probably want to take a nap. Ahhhh, I don't want to go to music class!! We never get anything done and I just get driven up the wall!! If it wasn't for that class, I could go to the library and take a nap. But I've skipped for the past two weeks. I wonder if they've gotten any better? Or if they've played at all. Just thinking about it frustrates me!

Monday again. I feel like I'm stuck in some time loop that never ends. Maybe shaking things up with Thanksgiving and Christmas will help. Hopefully that will be fun. I should really start on some of my presentations and stuff. Must go to the library! Sociology is coming up fast!! And I'm sure AmEx is too. I hope we can do a good project. We really need to get started on it. Group projects are like that, you can help each other procrastinate. Plus another presentation on Thursday, but that procrastination is not our fault, I wonder if we will get the material soon. Last week was a do nothing week, I suppose this one should be different, especially because I got nothing done this weekend! I have a presentation to get ready at 9, a newspaper folding session to skip as well at 9, but from dinner till 9 I'm good, I think, maybe I can do something in there, just don't die because homework is the only thing you're doing. Quite possible. No, won't die. Will be industrious when I work, and take breaks so I don't get droopy eyed.

Do I really feel the things that I write about? Sometimes I think that when I start writing I get mellow-dramatic and what I finish with sounds a lot worse than it is. But then, that could be another escape mechanism, another way for me not to admit to myself what I am feeling. I must be at least partially feeling what I writing, I think. Or else where would I come up with the beginning? But I have written things that come out completely different than I intended. So which is the "real" me, the one that I intended or the one that came out? I would tend to think the one that came out and pushed aside the one I intended. The one I wanted to write was what I wanted to be, the way I wanted to feel. If that is so, I'm scared, 'cause I've had some that turned out really pessimistic. But part of me is the most optimistic person that I know. Even to the point of naivete in some situations. My problems are what I make them. Maybe writing for me just makes them worse. Maybe I shouldn't do it...........................?

FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Changed the doohicky a bit, can you tell?? So proud, gonna learn this stuff eventally! Gonna go to the dentist first. Had a scary dream that we went and they were really scary. There was a big round secretary post in the middle and it was really hard to get their attention to get in to see a doctor. And I asked one whether they would take my insurance, because I think everyone else there didn't, and when she saw that I have Aetena, or whatever it's called, she flipped out and called me a rich girl like I was slumming it or something. It was scary. Does this mean that I am scared to go to the dentist, it's been...a really long time. So long in fact, that all I really remember well is the cabinent where they kept all the stickers. Maybe a little candy too, but I mostly remember the stickers.

I wonder if we're going to play today.

Well, gotta go see.

Morbid thoughts on the brain today, probably not a good sign. Would people miss me if I died in some horrific accident? Not a good sign at all. Maybe I shouldn't be able to hide in my room all day.

Gender issues. Basically, boys are dumb, that's what I got out of the chapter. Especially the hair guy, how much dumber can you get, he obviously has no idea about anything. Reading about that stuff is interesting but depressing. I like to read about it in other cultures, I can make judgements or whatever on them, but when it's about my own culture, it's just scary because I can't make judgements because I'm part of the system. Do I giggle? Do I laugh? We seem to think that around girls we laugh but around boys we giggle, which is so depressing because it's not a planned thing. It's so much a part of us that we don't even realize we're doing it. Did Scarlet O'Hara realize the way she was treating boys all the time? Maybe she didn't. We don't seem to, though we are nowhere on the level with her. Darn! Should have been taking notes! Why do all the movies show us that boys are weak and manipulatable? Or maybe it is showing that women are connivers. But it wouldn't be so easy for women to be conniving if the boys weren't so weak. I wonder if that works in the real world.

I could definitely be evil!

Quick, quick...yesterday was sort of a nice change of pace, I got off campus, there were people there that I didn't know, though not many 'cause there were billions of Soka people, and I wasn't doing homework. So it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I can only say this because I got done a lot earlier than was said and was allowed to leave. I feel kinda bad for the people who had to stay, but apparently I didn't feel bad enough to stay. The woman who was in charge of us asked the person who was in charge of them if they needed us, and they must have said no, because I'm sure they would have held on to us if they needed us.

It was like the movie that shows all about industry and alienation of the workers. We were like the people doing the same thing over and over again in the noisy, crowded factory. At least they got to sit down. Poor Ann, she's so short that she had to work to get her arms up to the table and so they hurt now. The tables were pretty much the right height for me to just hang them there and sift stuff. I never really thought about all the work that goes behind the scenes, I just figured they were all run through a machine, I didn't think they would have to be sorted first, and then these people do this and so forth and so on. Wow, what did they do when they had to count every ballot by hand, and for all the different categories too! Wow, that must have been even worse and there would definitely not be next day results!!

Must run to be advised!

It's weird, normally I like to go to class and I would just rather not do the homework, but lately, I feel like I would just rather do the reading or the writing or whatever and not go to class. Does that mean I'm enjoying learning more, or just that I'm lazy and I don't want to leave this room? Maybe a little of both. I need to get invloved in something, like I have said a million-and-one times. And I think it needs to be something off campus, which makes it all the harder. Doesn't seem to be able to be SGI, that would just kill me, not make me want to branch out or whatever the purpose of the exercise would be. Maybe it would be good to get out there though, to try to change things...but it's not the physical stuff that's going on, mostly, it's the whole atmosphere of non-learning.

Maybe I'll just go to sleep and wake up in 50 years.

It's weird, I don't feel like I exist on weekends. Now that it's Monday, I can feel like a regular person again. I have no motivation on the weekends, maybe it's when I have no plans that I feel like I don't exist. Therefore, we are what we do? Okay, weird.

I hate people who hate biasness but are just as bias themselves! Can we say "everyone on this campus"!?!?! We pick and choose what we want to believe, whatever paints the picture the way we want to see it. So far, we have two editorials that I know of about articles in the newspaper. Both bring up excellent points as to where the student writer went wrong, both were written by staff or faculty. Students didn't even question the articles because they agreed with the basic sentiments behind them. I admit that I didn't argue either (in my defense, I don't know if I read them). How could those articles have been allowed to go to print with such obvious bias? I have heard it said that it was a good newspaper because it generated so much out-cry, but that's not the type of uproar we need. All the comments we about mistakes that the paper made, not newfound information that made everyone, students, staff, and faculty, think about things. They thought about things alright, how the writers mishandled the information they got. I am associated with the newspaper; I don't want to be associated with this type of paper.

Yesterday...what did I do yesterday? I found out that I am useless when if comes to soliciting quotes from people I don't know, though apparently I'm pretty good at it with people that I do know as evidenced by last year, not this year. I found out that I belong to a cult. All in a days work. I can't believe the organization down here, it's so "California." I don't think I can handle it, and then when I go back to Seattle, there are new people and it's a little different. So in a way, I don't belong in either place. Being an SUA student, especially first class, just makes it all the more difficult. But sometimes I like the recognition, but I still don't want to be treated differently because of it. Wait, sometimes I do, but only when I don't get it. Am I just making this problem for myself? Well duh, but... My practice is suffering sooo much, but I don't want to talk to any of the leaders down here about it. I don't know if I can talk to SGI leaders at all because I'm being so critical of the SGI and all they will tell me is that I don't understand or I'm deluding myself or something like that. Maybe not, but going to the leaders of the organization that you have problems with seems inherently silly to me. Unless I have specific suggestions I guess. When I talked to a couple people in Seattle, they seemed willing to listen, but I wasn't so willing to talk openly. I don't want to be a whiner and I want to have everything objective, not all from my own distorted lens. I know everything is from my distorted lens, but I want it to be as undistorted as possible, yeah right. Must be objective, and not get angry when people tell me I'm not being objective, but how do they know? I'm the only one that knows.

Wow, I barely knew it was Halloween. When I was a kid, it was a big countdown and then the day of was really exciting. Yesterday I had to remind people it was Halloween. It really is a Soka bubble, and I think I have created my own as well; I don't really include the freshmen in my bubble... I think I forget that a lot of them exist, though there are some that pretty much fall into the First Class category.

I'M DONE WITH MY MIDTERMS! I think.

I don't feel accepted...maybe. I think I'm making my own bubble because I feel outside of other peoples' bubbles or the big one that pervades this place. I didn't feel like that last year, what changed, beside adding another 87 students?? Even some people from last year seem more distant. Everyone is busier this year, including myself, even though I'm barely doing any clubs at all. I'm more distant, I only communicate with people on the most superficial level.

My haunted house would include:

A woman in a room breaks a nail, blames the observers, and rushes them with some instrument of distruction.

A couple in the corner making out, you think, but the woman is really dead and the man has blood in his mouth

Screaming coming from an open door, an bloodied man comes to the door, looks around and closes it

Someone looking like a "customer" being chased by a monster. Possibly a shill in the group, gets chased and "killed"

A confused dead person/ghost looking for help from the observer, randomly wandering the hall??

Stick them in a coffin, a small, dark, confined room

A child in a room playing with dolls and taking them apart

A man dancing with a dead woman

A doll maker making live people dolls, à la Jeepers Creepers. i.e. sewing on a person

Person in the middle of a massacre asking "What have I done?" Wants help from observer, is bloody

A person butchering a live person screaming for help

A teacher teaching to a class of students that he has killed

The inevitable dead Prom Queen

An old-fashioned room with a record playing, with scary pitcures on the walls, but nobody in it

A normal looking man passes group and takes his place in a scene above (or below?) Screaming butcheree or sewed person?

I'm much more into the psychological scare than just the boo scare, of course, those are important to. Hmmm, shall we say morbid thoughts on the brain??

Being busy gives me something to focus on. As long as I have something that I can put myself into, I'm fine. But is that running away, or avoiding the issue. Are they really issues, excuse me Gail troubles if I can forget them so easily. All I need to do is have my mind taken somewhere else. If they were that troubling, wouldn't they consume my mind? Oh, and I do have a mind that gets consumed!! And then there are the times that I'm thinking about this stuff and it gets worse. So then, why do I think about it? Wouldn't it just be smarter not to? Maybe it could fester, but sometimes I think I am really not think about my problems, not even in the back of my mind. Shouldn't you be able to tell? I would be so much easier if we could just forget about it and put our minds of something else and it would go away. Hey, I wish that worked with homework as well.

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to be cold today?? It is such a good thing that Buffy is a rerun tonight!! I think I can get a good chunk of the dum dum dum duuummm midterm done if I really work at it, I just have to decipher my notes! Ahhhh. But I do think that was a good way to do it, instead of just jumping in headfirst...maybe I can use that in the future too. I just have to remember not to completely fall apart after this week. If I do no work on the other stuff, will have more weeks like this one and last. And that would suck, especially because finals would be there too. Ohh, the thought just makes me want to go to bed and not come out for a really long time!! Don't forget to print out the Sociology Proposal and to send it to the partners. That would suck to forget that!! Wow, that seems to be my word of the blog.

Me status? I haven't had a chance to think about myself because I have so much work, but don't worry, I'll be just as screwed up come Monday. I really really liked Whitman. Maybe I should write a Song of Myself, ehh, but it would probably be almost like his. Hmmmm, maybe, I can see lines and lines of cafeteria observation, hehe.

I'm so scared to use my computer! The screen is all funked up and I hope it doesn't get worse. But I think it is, now the blue shows up as purple. I just don't think that's normal. I thought last week was hectic, but this week should be fun!! But I may be blowing things out of proportion. I have a bunch of notes for AmEx. I am just worried that I don't have enough for his essays. Other than that, there is really nothing new to complain about, and that's not really new. If I had more time, I might write something, but I just don't. I read some Whitman last night for AmEx on Thursday and I really liked it!! It was so much fun, he just talked about random things, and about people. He asked really seemingly dumb questions that were very deep. The poem is life, random, inconsequential and deep all at the same time. He just is, was, and it doesn't matter what anyone else does or thinks, he is still him and I am still me. Well, doesn't it seem like I have the beginnings of a response paper here.

I must not shut down. I think I had been doing so well too! When I get frustrated or I don't know what is going on, I just shut down. That doesn't help anyone, especially myself. I think I eventually run out of patience with people or the whole situation. Last night was so frustrating because the person running the show had no idea how to do what she wanted, just that it was what she wanted. Grrr So then it was left up to other people to decide how to do it, but if they didn't do it right...well then. So then she was all harried because we kept having to go to her for help on what to do, because only she knew. She complains that she is so busy, but the only reason she is is because she has to do everything herself. The problem is that I can see myself doing the exact same thing. I have to micro-manage every little detail because someone else might do it wrong. I've never run anything like last night before, but I can see myself acting the same way as her. scary Must not shut down when frustrated!

I think the way I'm feeling is the same as when you walk into a room and then you forget why you are there. I seem to have no purpose at of right now. All I do is homework, or not, sleep, and eat. There is nothing special that I am doing. I also have a really short attention span when it comes to finding purposes. Like this geek stuff, I like to think that I just got really busy, and I did, but I am not thinking about it 24 hours a day anymore. I think it got really hard. Hopefully when the next week is over and I have some time to breath, I can focus on that again. I fear trying something too hard because I might not be good at it. I tell myself that I can never be very good and so I don't try. Either that, or I tell myself that it is easy and that I would be good at it, but I don't want to prove myself wrong. Must study.

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!! OH MY GOSH! Hmm, guess I'm going to have to skip collecting tonight. Is it possible to study while making brownies? Hope someone will make them with me!! AHHHHHH, I'm just going to have to leave the AmEx study group early, ahhhhhh, but I need quotes from them. But it's a take home test and Soc isn't. At least that one I won't need to quote all over the place. And ‚©‚ñ‚¶ test, at least that one won't kill me! Wow, it's not as if I have a lot of homework, just projects and tests. All great fun.

So I wonder what I should write my AmEx paper on. Need to have a proposal by tomorrow...Religion, Minority Rights, Immigration, or perspective on the US...I don't know!! I need something that is possible to reasearch but not so boring that I keel over halfway through writing the thing. Immigration doesn't particularly interest me, and I'm thinking that I wouldn't find a new twist on Minority Rights, so that leaves Religion or Perspectives. Perspectives could be interesting, but is it overdone?? What about the US policy of isolation, how that broke, and how it's coming back together. I think I could do that. Talk about how Isolationism helped and hindered the economy and the people, what forced them to come out and how that has helped and hindered the economy, why some people want to become more isolationist again and what they think that will accomplish. What I don't understand is how people want to be isolationist in that they don't want to deal with certain people or whatever, and then they can turn right around and put their noses in other people's business. Okay, I think that is what I'm going to do.

Okay, we can handle this. There was nothing about yesterday that was hard. I wonder if it's just about the stress of being graded. I hate being graded. When I get a less than perfect grade, I think that I have somehow failed in some way, that never again will I receive a good grade. Quite stupid actually. So is my method, then, that of an overachiever? Just do more so that they cannot penalize you for anything. Who knows?

All I want to do is sleep. Why does lying on a bed feel so good. Even if you're not sleeping, but you are doing nothing. To me, doing nothing is the best thing in the world. If I never had to eat or drink, I could just sleep all day long.

Yup, I really have nothing to say. Except that I must write poem with the line. I attempted once, but it was really bad!

What if the eyes are the windows to the soul?
What do you see when you look into mine?
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
What if the eyes are the mirror of your soul?

Wow, going to have to just STOP and...maybe later

Monday again, why does it seem like it's always Monday? My life is an eternal wait for the weekend and an eternal disappointment as Monday comes for another round. It's not even as if my weeks are that hard, I have a lot of time in the morning to do whatever I need to. Maybe I am still suffering from highschool-itis. It's weird, I enjoy certain aspects of the week, like, I can't wait until Tuesday at 8, or swimming class on Monday and Wednesday, but as a whole, I don't enjoy the week. I think I must not look at things in their whole, but in their pieces. The same goes for the weekend. Monday isn't so bad. I have the morning to finish up the homework that I was too lazy to do the night before. Bio is really long, but not hard and most of the time it's kind of interesting. Japanese is Japanese, but swimming class is a lot of fun. That is the extent of my day, why do I worry about it and dread it so? Tuesday, Soc and American Experience, eh. Like the Buffy watching, can fall into a world that is not my own and everything is finished up in an hour. Wednesday, same as Monday. Thurday, same as Tuesday, but no Buffy, plus Japanese. Friday is a good day! Almost like a weekend, I like it. See, my week is not that strenuous, I really do have a lot of free time, I just don't get to use it because I am either sleeping or complaining that I don't have enough time. It's all in the attitute. Time Management again. I will conquer you!! I have lists, they will find your heart and stab at it!!

So, what do you do when you don't want to talk to anybody? It feels like all I want to do lately is talk to the people I always talk to. That could stem from me being annoyed with the entire world, but that has been on the downside lately, thank goodness. I think I am getting more homework done because of it, that's the bright side, could it just be coming from a feeling that I need to get my homework done?? Every time I do something that is not homework oriented, I feel guilty, and it sucks! All I want to do is be able to play around and not feel like I'm the biggest slacker there ever was. There are parts of me that do not involve homework, but lately I feel like I've been pushing them to the background. I want to do well in school, but I want to be a complete person as well. I want to be able to hang out with people while not doing homework! Time management has always been something that I am sooooooo bad at, that is another thing I have been trying to work on, but it seems like it takes up so much time!! So, I feel like I shouldn't talk to people and that I don't really even want to. I still see the freshmen as different and I think I'm even pushing some of the first class away, or if not pushing, then ignoring. There are so many people that I don't see very often. I thought I went through this at the beginning of last year, this whole social thing, but apparently I'm doing it again. I must end this cycle. It comes from my own insecurities, so I just have to end those. HA, easier said than done. Oh man, gotta chant then I suppose.

Dag nab it!! It read the durned book!! Now I'm all thinking about time and stuff again. I wonder why it depresses me so much. There is a total lesson to be learned from that book and I get it and I agree with it, but there is a little part of me that says, "whoa, living forever would be Great!" I guess the topic of whether I should drink or not is probably never going to come up, but I can still think about it as a hypothetical question. If I did live forever, that would mean that there wouldn't have to be any rush as to anything I did. If we lived longer, would we still get the same amount of stuff done, but only do it slower? Or if we had shorter lives, would we manage to squeeze it all in? So in that vein, someone who lived forever wouldn't get anything done, because they would always have more time in which to finish it. That sucks. There goes my whole, why I would want to live forever argument. sigh Why are we, I in particular, so afraid of dying? Because we don't know what happens afterward? It doesn't really matter, I think, because it's not like we'll be conscious of our deadness. I think some people are afraid of that, that they'll still be them, but that it will be all dark or something of the sort. Death is a funny thing, without it, there wouldn't be life. All cliché, I know, but it's true. Like Tuck said in the book, the stream keeps on flowing and makes a circle. If the end of the circle stopped, then the beginning wouldn't be able to happen. Like those time predicaments where it couldn't happen beause it never could have happened the first time, or something. unh

Do all great minds think alike?? I guess it depends on what you mean by think. Is it the thinking process or the end result of this thinking? Because if it is supposed to the be the end result, or the solution, that these great minds come up with, they definitely don't all think alike. It also depends on what you think is a great mind. Maybe you think that only the people who think the same things as you are the ones with the great minds. In that case, well, yeah because you are defining who they are and so controlling the outcomes. People who think alike aren't really worth anything to each other anyway. What's the point of spending all your time with some you agree with 100%? These is nothing to be gained for either person except that they will feel good because someone agrees with them. That has no value in the real world.

I think people here fall into this trap all the time. Because there are a lot of people in the world who disagree with them and who really don't seem to be changing their minds, the find solitude in a place where most people think alike. There is nothing wrong with being frustrated and the state of the world. There is nothing wrong with sometimes feeling that you can't change any minds. The point is to keep trying! Sure, they can come to campus every once in a while and just say what they think and have everyone agree and they can feel better, but if all they do is stay here so that noone will disagress with them, they are hiding from the world. In the end, they are having no effect and their point of view is pointless, they may as well be apathetic to the whole situation.

Then, in reverse, I think that people find someone or something that they like or want to believe and then do so. They might have no idea what it is really about, but they are told that it is a good thing, a Democratic thing, a liberal thing, that the Republicans don't like it, and so on and so forth. Because they are supposed to think a certain way, they do. That is not thinking for yourself, and exactly what they say those others are doing. Even when they are told this, when they read some great literary of the past such as Ralph Waldo Emerson, they agree and think that is what they are doing. Wrong

I think this is what frustrates me the most about this campus. I have been having the feeling that everything is useless, and if it all continues like this, it is all useless. All the graduates from this school will get out into the world where everyone will stop agreeing with them and they will be lost, they won't know how to agrue...oh, excuse me dialogue with them about what they really think. They may even be lost as to what to think; it's so easy to know what you are supposed to think. Then this school will have meant nothing and been a large pit into which thousands of people threw millions of dollars.

But! We must not give up. There can be a solution if people will just start thinking for themselves. One way could be to bring on campus a bunch of Republicans, whom everyone on this campus must disagree with on every principle, to show the people here that they are not devil-creatures trying to bring about the apocalypse. Maybe they might even gasp find something in common

So, what is life all about? What differentiates the people who are happy and who aren't? Is there one standard that everyone has, or is it all just arbitrary? Maybe we are taught to be happy or sad, unknowingly, by our parents. In the grand scheme of things, what is the purpose of happy and sad, is there a use for these emotions? Would things every get done if everyone was depressed all the time? Is it happiness that drives people ultimately, do they even think about that? With something so seemingly important to our lives and out productivity, why is it that happiness is such a fragile thing? One day it is here and the next it's gone. Or is that true happiness? How can happiness be fake? It can be faked to the outer world, but it's harder to fake inside, unless you're just deluding yourself...In out little complex computer that we can a brain, how is it that we are all so similar but so different, can't we just pick one????

I feel happy learning, but when it takes a classroom turn, I get turned off for some reason. I like researching, but I hate having to write it all down. It's not like that's hard, I classify and connect them all in my head, or else I wouldn't understand anything, but getting it all down on paper just seems so tedious. I learn for myself, not so that I can show others that I am learning. Do I feel like they don't trust that I've learned...I don't want them to think that I haven't learned. Papers are such an odd thing, because they are barely ever your own creation. There is always outside help in grammer or thoughts.

Am I becoming a recluse?? All I want to do is sit in my room and talk to certain people. I don't NOT want to talk to others, but I don't have the same sense of contentment when I do. This is bad, what do I do? Become more social?? Ack, scary.

Why is it that I can put so much energy into something that doesn't really matter? I could go my whole life without any of this geek stuff and be just fine, in fact, if I stopped working on it and started working on my homework instead, my life would probably be better! But this is something that I can look forward to, that isn't just a tv show or something that only happens once in a while. It's even harder than my homework!! But I am more enthusiastic about it. Except now, I feel kind of guilty when I play because I should be doing other homework, and that just ruins the effect. So I'll have to limit myself to only when I have free time. Unh. Next step is to figure how how to transfer that energy into what the school wants me to do (i.e. my homework). I find it interesting, but not so much that it's not a chore to do all the time. Maybe it's the time limit, or the fact that I can't choose for myself... Maybe if I make an effort to really understand it, and not just read it over so I can talk semi-intelligably in class, I will find more enjoyment. unh. I wonder also if I have to find someone who is just as interested as myself, Sammi and Ann seem to be really into this Emerson stuff and they talk about it together. Study partners?? I do think I enjoy it more when I have someone to talk to or explain to about it. WHY DO I LIKE TO SLEEP SO MUCH????

Does it seem like everyone's leaving!?!?!?! If this is such a great school, then why do all these people find "great opportunities" elsewhere??

I have "Yesterday" by the Beattles stuck in my head. It's such a sad song. I don't think anyone should look into the past and lament about what they had then that they don't now. It's all about looking to the now, and into the future. You can't change the past or what you lost, you can be sad about it, but not to the point that you are neglecting the present. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing that, I think a lot of people do that, especially about their childhood. Lately I have been reminiscing about high school and before with a lot of people. I kind of miss that time because I didn't have to take care of myself and I didn't really have to work hard. Being here means that soon I'm going to graduate, have to find a real job, whether I go to Grad School or not, and take complete care of myself. Who wants to do that? Some people do, I guess, but the prospect scares me more than anything. It might be a fear of failure. What if I can't support myself, if I forget to pay a certain bill, or do something stupid and get fired. I don't feel like an adult, I feel the same as I did when I was younger. There was no epiphany the day I turned 18. In your mind you are always a rational person, even when you are just a kid and everyone else can see that you are immature. Inside yourself, how can you tell when you have passed from "child" to "adult"? And age has nothing to do with it!

Oh man, I wanna go swimming! It's so unfair. What's with the weather anyway? So, no more evil or stupid, how is this going to work? I can't articulate, that's what brought me to those general descriptors anyway. Using English in a way to make people understand is not something I'm good at! I think I have to find something to put my whole life into, I don't have anything that I really look forward to anymore. I don't have any classes that are soooo interesting and I don't have time for a lot of clubs, because I'm always doing homework for the so-so classes. Maybe tennis can be something that I look forward to, swimming is too. I've never been into physical activity before, I wonder if I can do it now? I wish Japanese could be like that, but the class frustrates me so much because I never know what's going on and she doesn't help us figure out what is. Studying everything and anything seems like the best thing to do, but it's so hard. Flashcards are all great and good, but then you have to look at them. And I still don't know what to study. I can't speak worth anything, all I can do is call people names, which doesn't endear them to me really. Maybe if I spend actual time on my homework, I'll find something about my classes to enjoy, that's going to have to be in the morning. Must wake up when alarm goes off. This morning I didn't even realize that I pushed the snooze button, I just rolled over and went back to sleep. What happens if I accidentally turn it off. Must train myself not to push the snooze button. Then I must stop setting the alarm early, I will set in at exactly the time I think I should get up and then I must get up!!

I don't want to have to change. It seems so much easier to just not worry about it and hope it goes away. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm that bad at all and there is no need to change anything, but then I feel like I am a horrible person and every aspect of me needs changing. Why don't I just feel one way all the time? If I felt that I needed changing all the time, then it would be a lot easier to motivate myself to change...or I would just be more miserable? When I feel that I am just fine, am I being dishonest with myself? Am I in some way deluding myself as to my true self. Or is that the real truth and it is just when I am convinced that I am the spawn of Satan that I am being insincere. When I'm happy, I don't do the things that I berate myself for, but once I do something or think something negative, I begin the downward spiral. Which is right and true? Is there a difference between the two?

Time is stupid. It's all fast and slow and kills people but lets us change and is just basically dumb. When you want it to pass, it doesn't, but when you want the moment to be as long as possible, it's over so quickly. When you're little one week feels like forever, but when you get older, one year feels like a week. What happens when you get even older? What happens when you run out of time? They say that time began with the Big Bang, is it going to end in some equally catastrophic event? Things would be so much easier if we just didn't have to deal with time.

Okay, third day and I've already fallen off the wagon. What a world. Gonna have to figure out the best time to write. Morning may be it, we'll have to wait and see. Now to the real "touchy, feely stuff."

Yup, last night was interesting. The "Identity Lounge." I've never been to a real lounge, but I don't think they're supposed to be that cold. It's kinda weird as a straight person to hear about the struggles of the gay community, I can't idenify in any way with their feelings. I can be sympathetic and supporting, I guess, but I can't really understand what they're going through. There isn't anything else that I know of that is so fundamentally inside yourself and at the same time so taboo in our societies. I wonder if it is biological or mental or what. And are there people out there who truely don't know that they have a different orientation. What about me? I've never even considered that I wasn't straight, but does that just mean I'm limiting myself? And REALLY can't identify with the transgendered crowd, how is it to feel that you are a different gender than you were born? Doesn't that determine your gender? And from such an early age for Claudine. Are most children's self-identities developed in first grade anyway? But it was definitely good to hear her story, I've never heard a transgendered person's story firsthand. Hmm Oh and the bubbles were fun, but only when I could make them and they didn't attack my head! Yes, and must ask a question. I've been told that there was a person there who is gay but hasn't come out to the campus yet, dare I ask??

Must play tennis!...

After tennis thought...must be more encouraging, instead of just not unsupporting.

So, why a blog? Why not. I was doing a bio assignment and came across a blog that was linked to one of my definition sites and thought "what the heck." That's all there is to it, and so here I am. Maybe it will do me some good to be able to spout of not have people interrupt me. Better than a website 'cause I can't keep updating the thing. Yup, and of course I should probably be doing homework or studying for the test I have in approximately 56 minutes, but then, I just did bad on one, so why don't we make it two just for fun! How about one more thing to distract me from things that I really need to be doing. And where was Bill, by the way? So sad