I must not shut down. I think I had been doing so well too! When I get frustrated or I don't know what is going on, I just shut down. That doesn't help anyone, especially myself. I think I eventually run out of patience with people or the whole situation. Last night was so frustrating because the person running the show had no idea how to do what she wanted, just that it was what she wanted. Grrr So then it was left up to other people to decide how to do it, but if they didn't do it right...well then. So then she was all harried because we kept having to go to her for help on what to do, because only she knew. She complains that she is so busy, but the only reason she is is because she has to do everything herself. The problem is that I can see myself doing the exact same thing. I have to micro-manage every little detail because someone else might do it wrong. I've never run anything like last night before, but I can see myself acting the same way as her. scary Must not shut down when frustrated!

I think the way I'm feeling is the same as when you walk into a room and then you forget why you are there. I seem to have no purpose at of right now. All I do is homework, or not, sleep, and eat. There is nothing special that I am doing. I also have a really short attention span when it comes to finding purposes. Like this geek stuff, I like to think that I just got really busy, and I did, but I am not thinking about it 24 hours a day anymore. I think it got really hard. Hopefully when the next week is over and I have some time to breath, I can focus on that again. I fear trying something too hard because I might not be good at it. I tell myself that I can never be very good and so I don't try. Either that, or I tell myself that it is easy and that I would be good at it, but I don't want to prove myself wrong. Must study.

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!! OH MY GOSH! Hmm, guess I'm going to have to skip collecting tonight. Is it possible to study while making brownies? Hope someone will make them with me!! AHHHHHH, I'm just going to have to leave the AmEx study group early, ahhhhhh, but I need quotes from them. But it's a take home test and Soc isn't. At least that one I won't need to quote all over the place. And ‚©‚ñ‚¶ test, at least that one won't kill me! Wow, it's not as if I have a lot of homework, just projects and tests. All great fun.

So I wonder what I should write my AmEx paper on. Need to have a proposal by tomorrow...Religion, Minority Rights, Immigration, or perspective on the US...I don't know!! I need something that is possible to reasearch but not so boring that I keel over halfway through writing the thing. Immigration doesn't particularly interest me, and I'm thinking that I wouldn't find a new twist on Minority Rights, so that leaves Religion or Perspectives. Perspectives could be interesting, but is it overdone?? What about the US policy of isolation, how that broke, and how it's coming back together. I think I could do that. Talk about how Isolationism helped and hindered the economy and the people, what forced them to come out and how that has helped and hindered the economy, why some people want to become more isolationist again and what they think that will accomplish. What I don't understand is how people want to be isolationist in that they don't want to deal with certain people or whatever, and then they can turn right around and put their noses in other people's business. Okay, I think that is what I'm going to do.

Okay, we can handle this. There was nothing about yesterday that was hard. I wonder if it's just about the stress of being graded. I hate being graded. When I get a less than perfect grade, I think that I have somehow failed in some way, that never again will I receive a good grade. Quite stupid actually. So is my method, then, that of an overachiever? Just do more so that they cannot penalize you for anything. Who knows?

All I want to do is sleep. Why does lying on a bed feel so good. Even if you're not sleeping, but you are doing nothing. To me, doing nothing is the best thing in the world. If I never had to eat or drink, I could just sleep all day long.

Yup, I really have nothing to say. Except that I must write poem with the line. I attempted once, but it was really bad!

What if the eyes are the windows to the soul?
What do you see when you look into mine?
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
What if the eyes are the mirror of your soul?

Wow, going to have to just STOP and...maybe later

Monday again, why does it seem like it's always Monday? My life is an eternal wait for the weekend and an eternal disappointment as Monday comes for another round. It's not even as if my weeks are that hard, I have a lot of time in the morning to do whatever I need to. Maybe I am still suffering from highschool-itis. It's weird, I enjoy certain aspects of the week, like, I can't wait until Tuesday at 8, or swimming class on Monday and Wednesday, but as a whole, I don't enjoy the week. I think I must not look at things in their whole, but in their pieces. The same goes for the weekend. Monday isn't so bad. I have the morning to finish up the homework that I was too lazy to do the night before. Bio is really long, but not hard and most of the time it's kind of interesting. Japanese is Japanese, but swimming class is a lot of fun. That is the extent of my day, why do I worry about it and dread it so? Tuesday, Soc and American Experience, eh. Like the Buffy watching, can fall into a world that is not my own and everything is finished up in an hour. Wednesday, same as Monday. Thurday, same as Tuesday, but no Buffy, plus Japanese. Friday is a good day! Almost like a weekend, I like it. See, my week is not that strenuous, I really do have a lot of free time, I just don't get to use it because I am either sleeping or complaining that I don't have enough time. It's all in the attitute. Time Management again. I will conquer you!! I have lists, they will find your heart and stab at it!!

So, what do you do when you don't want to talk to anybody? It feels like all I want to do lately is talk to the people I always talk to. That could stem from me being annoyed with the entire world, but that has been on the downside lately, thank goodness. I think I am getting more homework done because of it, that's the bright side, could it just be coming from a feeling that I need to get my homework done?? Every time I do something that is not homework oriented, I feel guilty, and it sucks! All I want to do is be able to play around and not feel like I'm the biggest slacker there ever was. There are parts of me that do not involve homework, but lately I feel like I've been pushing them to the background. I want to do well in school, but I want to be a complete person as well. I want to be able to hang out with people while not doing homework! Time management has always been something that I am sooooooo bad at, that is another thing I have been trying to work on, but it seems like it takes up so much time!! So, I feel like I shouldn't talk to people and that I don't really even want to. I still see the freshmen as different and I think I'm even pushing some of the first class away, or if not pushing, then ignoring. There are so many people that I don't see very often. I thought I went through this at the beginning of last year, this whole social thing, but apparently I'm doing it again. I must end this cycle. It comes from my own insecurities, so I just have to end those. HA, easier said than done. Oh man, gotta chant then I suppose.