Ohhh, I had a scary scary dream last night with bugs that wouldn't go away!! Sheldon had the Plague, which appeared to be bugs crawling all over you in my dream, and he kept insisting that it wasn't contageous, so he was giving us bread for some reason. And then the entire house, because we were all in a house, was infested with the Plague bugs, which looked pretty much like fleas except that they didn't jump, thank goodness! And every time you touched something, they would get on you, and sometimes they would bite you. And the people who were infested wouldn't stop walking around and touching things, Cassie. Ohh, it was an ichy dream!

Well, Ken is just to have to accept our rough draft, if not, ummmm.

I still feel like I have bugs crawling on me

So sleepy. Knocked my alarm onto the floor again.

Sociology better be easy today.

Music is evil.

The reprieve is over, back to the drawing board. I'm not quite sure why we feel like the weekend is a break, I tend to do more homework on the weekend than I do in real, weekly life! The time consuming part of the week is the actual classes themselves, not the homework...maybe. I'm probably baised because of my stupid schedule. Oh my gosh this week is going to suck. I must do much homework!!! And I actually have to do it. Plus all the practicing that is going on because someone made the concert too soon. It's just not realistic. No, schoolwork comes first, and I don't consider music schoolwork. What am I going to do??? Not go to sleep at 10 anymore, that's what. Must find VCR.

Tummy hurts.

Don't want to get dressed.

Happy new room!

Procrastination good.

Want a house to decorate.

Never need a pronoun again!!!!

Hehe, I changed my room around! Well, I directed the changing of my room around. Boys are much stronger than girls and you have to use each person's strength to the best advantage of the whole. Therefore, I used my directing skills and they used their muscles. Not quite done yet, but can see the finish line!! Interesting. Now just gotta get people to come over and see it, well, when it finally is done.

Now I have to focus on homework today. How are we supposed to submit a rough draft when Sammi can't work today?? How the heck to you submit a rough draft of a movie anyway. I've been focusing on the big homework this weekend, I also forgot about the littler stuff, like Japanese homework. Well, isn't that what Monday mornings are for?? Am I going to have to start making lists again? They take up so much paper!! Well, I guess, not when you're using a 3 by 3 inch square, but still, it's the principle!!

I hate the internet, some people say you can find anything, but I haven't been able to find anything that I've been looking for. One of them is even legal!! I think it was invented to throw people like me off the deep end! How did people do reports before there was the internet?

Where the heck am I going to put all the posters?

Brighten my day!

What is my problem with authority? There are times when I am perfectly happy with someone who is telling me what is what or what to do or where to go; then there are other times when I can't stand a person telling me anything, let alone something that will have some sort of bearing to the future. What is the difference between these two types of people in my head? I think it comes from my own perceptions of them. If I think that they are capable people who know more than I, or course I will listen to them. But if I think that they are on the same level as me, or heaven forbid below me, I feel like they are hypocritical telling me what to do or giving me advice. That's why presentation is so important for a person like me. It's not even really about the way they dress, maybe sometimes, but I'm doubtful. I think it has more to do with the way they speak. I am thinking of one person in particular here. I don't know, maybe I am just a snob.

Hmmm, let's try not to piss anyone off today.

I now officially give permission for people and companies to start celebrating Christmas. You cannot start before Thanksgiving like so many did, or, even worse, before Halloween like a couple did. Don't these people know what is going on? It's called the Holiday Season; it's not the Christmas Season, each holiday has it's own worth. It seems like people just tolerate these other holidays so that they can get to the real one, when they can consume to their heart's delight, indeed, when they might be called a Scrooge for not spending all their money on frivolous items. What kind of holiday is this? An American one, that's what kind.

Proud to be American

Thanksgiving on the other hand is just kind of odd. We give thanks by spending all day cooking and then stuffing ourselves with what we made. Unless you're a man, then you spend all day watching television while the women cook, and then you stuff yourselves.

hunger

...

No more consuming for me! Except for the table and the barstool that I don't need. They were cheap. Does it count if they were cheap?? At least I didn't buy any of the $100 and up-ers that were cute and just begging to be bought. But then, if I bought everything in that store that I liked, I would 1) be broke and in debt, and 2) have nowhere to put any of it!! Maybe it doesn't matter if they are cheap, managed to not buy the 2.99 item, but that one was really mess-ed up!

Tomorrow is the big day, the day that has all turkeys shaking in their boots. That's right...Thursday. Today is the day that I'm leaving on a car-plane, but I know when I'll be back again. Saying goodbye isn't all that hard. Noone to kiss, that's for sure... I think I must be screwing up the order, but that's okay. Just don't shoot me!! Pay attention to whether the gun has bullets in it or not! That's a good girl.

Does singing mean happiness?? I sing all the time, but I don't necessarily think that I am happy. And remember, the slaves in the South used to sing out of misery according to Frederick Douglass. So therefore, why do we associate singing with happiness. People automatically think I'm happy if I'm singing. The only problem is that I don't differentiate the songs I sing when I'm happy and when I'm sad. But then, I don't think about whether I am happy or sad, I just sing because I feel like it or I have an evil song in my head that won't leave.

I guess I have to do some Japanese homework now. This must be homework weekend. Doing homework after 10 is just not working for me anymore.

Alice's Restaurant

I HAVE to end the agony! There is more to life than what is currently going on. Reading books may not seem like the world's greatest passtime, but when you can't, it seems like it! What to do, what to do??? Only 3 or 4 more weeks of the current agony, and then we can see if the next agony is any less painful, which I think it might be. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I need my time to myself that is not doing homework, or should be doing homework. The mornings are nice, but I should be, or think I should be, working during them, so that ruins it!

Shoes, and clothes, and furniture that I won't have anywhere to put next year, and stupid little things that I don't need (like hampers shaped after animals), and CDs, and appliances, and stuffed animals...lots of money. If only it weren't for money, I would be a happy, consuming, camper!

Negatives are cool. I don't not want nothing! Do you hear me!!! Even I, who made up the sentence, can't fully understand what I mean unless I count the negatives and move on from there. They really are the randomist thing ever to walk the Earth.

I am sick of music! I don't want to do it anymore! But if I don't sign up for the class, what am I going to do with my cello. Ahh, why do I own my own instrument. And it's not like I can get rid of it. Not that I don't want to play, on the contrary, I just don't want to play with certain people.

Three day weeks are silly. What can you get done in a three day week?? Not much, that's what you can get done! But hopefully it will allow me the opportunity to get some other stuff done. How the heck do you turn in a rough draft for a movie? Are we even doing a movie?? I hope we can use the equipment! What else do they use it for. We had better get cracking! I wonder when Madagascar is due. That would probably be a good thing to know.

Am I am worthwhile person? Is there any value to me? Or am I just another mouth to feed on this overpopulated planet? I like to think not, but there is that doubt sitting somewhere. I am just a consumer consuming things and making life harder for 5 billion other people. I guess. What's the point?

Today is a happy day. I get to play tennis hope it doesn't kill me head and I get to go home!! It's a great day, except to the fact that I have a Japanese kanji tesuto today, that part kinda sucks! I hope I do okay driving in Seattle, since I havn't driven since I've been there! There will certainly be lots of driving tomorrow, but I want to see people and do things!!

Wow, haven't eaten breakfast in a long time, my body is saying What the heck is this stuff? Hopefully I won't get bogged down, that would be a bad way to play tennis!

When I get back, I am definitely going to do some homework!!!! Lots of it! And productively too. It makes no sense to spend all day doing homework and then you got none of it done; you might as well just have played around the whole day, plus that's a lot more fun. Uh oh, I swear I just almost wrote "more funner" Lots of homework for Sociology and for AmEx. But maybe I'll focus on Sociology at first because I won't have Sam to work with.

Nothing at all interesting going on in my head.

So now they're going to let me publish huh? Well, we'll see about that!...right

It's getting to be crunch time. I still have some time so I'm not completely dying, but I had better hurry up!! If I would just start...but there is no nice little book to explain most of it to me, hopefully, I won't not be able to find anything! Don't you just love double negatives? Or triple negatives for that matter, though they're a little harder to wrap your head around when you use them. Sometimes the only time I can tell what is going on is by counting the negatives, but it still doesn't make sense the way some others do.

Hopefully this weekend will cure me of any evil "not want to do anythings." That would be nice. I think it's just the rate at which I don't do anything, other than homework. If I could just get out every once in a while I think it would be okay. But I don't, so it isn't.

I wonder if we're playing tennis tomorrow.

Publishing is unavailable huh?? Well, whatever.

Japanese homework took a long time last night, that was surprising. Maybe it didn't, but it felt like a long time. I still have to finish my "third draft" hehe, that is really still my first. I guess I need checks to make sure that I do my work, which I don't. I don't know what to write!! And I don't know people's names. So rough.

Really looking forward to going back to Seattle, but I'm afraid some people are going to be disappointed 'cause I won't have all sorts of free time I'm sure. Hopefully Saturday morning at least. Maybe someone will make me pancakes.

I am such a greedy person. I really don't need anyone to keep the elephant company, but I want them. And I was thinking that I could give them as Christmas presents, but I want them for myself! Is it better for me to be able to visit them? Or for me not to ever see them again? It's a tough call because I might get jealous if I saw them, but not seeing them would be a sad thing! Wow, I have such difficult problems don't I??

Okay, so I'm starting to notice a trend. I write a lot of poetry though I can't spell the word when I'm going to because that's when I think about all the stuff in the day but I barely get up to write it down. I did the other night and then went back to bed, but when I did that, I changed it in my head, but I didn't get back up to change it. So those changing, along with I don't know how many writy thingys are gone. But I just don't feel like writing when I'm awake, and a lot of the time, I'm too lazy to get up once I have gone to bed.

Is all this a good thing or a bad thing. I was discussing with myself the fact that poetry sometimes brings out the worst in me when I up the ante just to make the poem better maybe it's better that I can't remember them. It's not like I'm ever going to show them to anyone!

I had this scary dream that I had to read some poems to I don't know who, it was a bunch of people. And I had the poems impressed into my flesh and I read them off of there. Except that the first one which happened to be the one I wrote the other night I messed up on because somehow I decided to rewrite it while I was saying it, and it got all messed up. Then I don't remember the next one, but the last one I was supposed to read just looked like a pattern on my hand, and I thought I shouldn't read this one, it'll be boring for them. So apparently, I could have read it, I just chose not to. I wonder what it would have sounded like, were there words involved?

The never ending cycle continues...Monday, Monday, Monday, and occassionally a Tuesday or Thursday, but mostly Monday, Monday. One thing that remains constant, however, is that Jessica should have gotten up earlier than she did, because she's a lazy, lazy person. But I have to give her credit, she's also sick, so there was a viable reason that she should get more sleep than normal. I just wonder about those other days where she's not sick! It's good to have an excuse!

I'm looking forward to Saturday thought!! Or Friday, whichever way you look at it, or whatever day they tell me. Hopefully they will tell me soon however. I hate waiting and I have this fear that they are going to call me and tell me that it's off! Cruel cruel world!!

I am going to have the best darn Soc presentation in the whole world!!

I am going to have the best AmEx project in the whole darn world!

We will be a happy Japanese family and all of us will come to the family meetings, including me!!

Madagascar will be rediscovered through my research!

I will not die with so much writing next term!

I will not think about dying from writing next term until the term!

I will not be stressed out over all these things! I will look at them and start instead of crying!!

The world does revolve around me!! =P

I just remembered what today is. What is the purpose of celebrating or recognizing anniversaries? I didn't even remember until the end of the day, and then it is suddenly a bad day? That had nothing to do with most of the day. Sure I was sick, but just because of the date that was assigned pretty much randomly, it's supposed to signify something? Why should today be the day to remember and contemplate and all that stuff, shouldn't that be every day? But I haven't even thought about it in a while. I think. Sometimes I think about it, but not on an everyday basis. 'Tis a strang custom, just because it's been another 365 days doesn't mean very much in the grand scheme of things. But it still depressed me when I remembered.

Had a strange little fantasy when I did. One that I've never had before. That she came and found me today, because it was the anniversary and she tells me how good I am doing and how much I have grown up. She just ran off for some unspecified reason. At first, of course, I don't believe that it's her. I don't think I actually remember what she looks like from my memories, only from pictures. But it is her, maybe there is some picture of her that is irrefutably from less than 12 years ago. Then I have to get all mad and storm off, but eventually we would become close again. Unless I decided to punish her and never speak to her or have anything to do with her again. I wouldn't tell anybody else because I wouldn't want to hurt them, of course. And then I hear about her real death and I am sad that we never had time to get to know each other again. Of course, if that did happen, I'd have to be all pissed off, but it's a clinging thing I guess. I've never had that particular thought before, I hope I don't have it much either, it's just a depressing hope that would probably be worse that reality if it were true. I think I've been watching too many soap operas. This is the most reaching that I've done in a while, I wonder if it means that I'm doing worse than I've done in a while.

Last Will and Testiment:

I, being of sound mind, but not body, hereby bequeath everything to anybody who wants it.

(Maybe Sam should get the chocolate, but make sure she doesn't try to poke my eyes out with a fork!)

What is the Labor Movement? When was it? Where was it? Who cares? Apparently Ken. This should be a fun presentation since we have no idea what we are talking about. Maybe we'll just focus our time on Dos Passos. Who knows? Whatever it is, it will be a fly-by-night kind of ordeal.

I am sick. I hate being sick, but I can't "stay home from school" because 1)I live at school and 2)I can't even miss one class, I don't understand how people survive that. The only reason I pass my tests is because I can associate the things I read and what the teacher said. That couldn't happen if I wasn't in class every day.

I hate projects. I hate presentations. Why am I always the one that is doing the emailing? I want other peoplet to take the initiative and set a time. I never know when is good, but I do seem to know when is bad for everyone.

But I put it on myself. I sort of steal the lead and then everyone looks to me for the emails. It's my own fault, DARN ME!!

Want to sleep, but until I actually fall asleep, it's painful!

What does it feel like to have streep throat? How do I know if I have it? Do I really want to go to the nurse to have her charge me millions of dollars? I only have two oral presentations in two days, plus one next week. Hopefully I can talk, haven't done it yet today. Should I swim?

What are the words that people use to desribe me? If someone can't remember who I am, what does the other person say to remind them?

Where does all the time go? Am I tired because I sleep too much? I wish I could take naps, they are so nice.

Thanksgiving is coming up, probably have to do some homework, have to get started on that right away.

I hope I can talk.

What am I thinking about? I don't know, it's too tiring to think about anything. Right now I'm just reacting to things that happen to me, it's really bad. Yesterday I got in a bad mood just because I didn't have a pencil in Japanese class. Now admittedly, it's nice to have a pencil so you can erase, but it's not really something to get moody about. I some ways I'm better in that class, I'm not miserable anymore, but over all I don't think I'm doing any better in any of my classes. The scary thing is that I am starting to enjoy them more, I think. It's really hard to tell with me.

I really do have to start working on projects, that didn't get done last night. I just messed around during the presentation meeting. I guess I need to email the group to set a date, I wish they would do it, I hate setting times. I probably also need to go to the library to pick up some of those books. Is there a book limit from the library? Maybe I can go after AmEx today...but I'll probably want to take a nap. Ahhhh, I don't want to go to music class!! We never get anything done and I just get driven up the wall!! If it wasn't for that class, I could go to the library and take a nap. But I've skipped for the past two weeks. I wonder if they've gotten any better? Or if they've played at all. Just thinking about it frustrates me!

Monday again. I feel like I'm stuck in some time loop that never ends. Maybe shaking things up with Thanksgiving and Christmas will help. Hopefully that will be fun. I should really start on some of my presentations and stuff. Must go to the library! Sociology is coming up fast!! And I'm sure AmEx is too. I hope we can do a good project. We really need to get started on it. Group projects are like that, you can help each other procrastinate. Plus another presentation on Thursday, but that procrastination is not our fault, I wonder if we will get the material soon. Last week was a do nothing week, I suppose this one should be different, especially because I got nothing done this weekend! I have a presentation to get ready at 9, a newspaper folding session to skip as well at 9, but from dinner till 9 I'm good, I think, maybe I can do something in there, just don't die because homework is the only thing you're doing. Quite possible. No, won't die. Will be industrious when I work, and take breaks so I don't get droopy eyed.

Do I really feel the things that I write about? Sometimes I think that when I start writing I get mellow-dramatic and what I finish with sounds a lot worse than it is. But then, that could be another escape mechanism, another way for me not to admit to myself what I am feeling. I must be at least partially feeling what I writing, I think. Or else where would I come up with the beginning? But I have written things that come out completely different than I intended. So which is the "real" me, the one that I intended or the one that came out? I would tend to think the one that came out and pushed aside the one I intended. The one I wanted to write was what I wanted to be, the way I wanted to feel. If that is so, I'm scared, 'cause I've had some that turned out really pessimistic. But part of me is the most optimistic person that I know. Even to the point of naivete in some situations. My problems are what I make them. Maybe writing for me just makes them worse. Maybe I shouldn't do it...........................?