I just remembered what today is. What is the purpose of celebrating or recognizing anniversaries? I didn't even remember until the end of the day, and then it is suddenly a bad day? That had nothing to do with most of the day. Sure I was sick, but just because of the date that was assigned pretty much randomly, it's supposed to signify something? Why should today be the day to remember and contemplate and all that stuff, shouldn't that be every day? But I haven't even thought about it in a while. I think. Sometimes I think about it, but not on an everyday basis. 'Tis a strang custom, just because it's been another 365 days doesn't mean very much in the grand scheme of things. But it still depressed me when I remembered.

Had a strange little fantasy when I did. One that I've never had before. That she came and found me today, because it was the anniversary and she tells me how good I am doing and how much I have grown up. She just ran off for some unspecified reason. At first, of course, I don't believe that it's her. I don't think I actually remember what she looks like from my memories, only from pictures. But it is her, maybe there is some picture of her that is irrefutably from less than 12 years ago. Then I have to get all mad and storm off, but eventually we would become close again. Unless I decided to punish her and never speak to her or have anything to do with her again. I wouldn't tell anybody else because I wouldn't want to hurt them, of course. And then I hear about her real death and I am sad that we never had time to get to know each other again. Of course, if that did happen, I'd have to be all pissed off, but it's a clinging thing I guess. I've never had that particular thought before, I hope I don't have it much either, it's just a depressing hope that would probably be worse that reality if it were true. I think I've been watching too many soap operas. This is the most reaching that I've done in a while, I wonder if it means that I'm doing worse than I've done in a while.