Grrrr...Argh Is it so difficult people? Apparently so. If this is all I have to avoid to stay out of trouble as an "adult," I think I'm set.

Happy New Year.

Why oh why do I always go to MORNING New Year's Gongyo? I guess I don't want to be associated with the slackers at the afternoon session. And I always notice the the Bellinghamsters come for Morning. They're no slackers those ones; I'm glad to have been raised among them. I went with my brother who had to be there 1 1/2 early. And I noticed another Bellinghamster on Soka Group as well. I wonder what time he woke up this morning. I almost didn't make it myself and it takes twice the time for them to get there. Not that we're particularly close complared to some people, but yeah. Actually it was pretty full. When they asked everyone to move to the middle so they could seat the people in the back, I laughed, but there actually WERE people in the back.

It's snowing again. And we're on a hill. Come on people, it's just snow.

Happy New Year's Eve. They're giving $2004 away at the Mucklestoot casino today if anyone's interested. Oh, but I forgot, it's snowing.

Sleeping too much.

But studying some...Good Jessica. Got a question in the first chapter though...

Too many ellipses...oh what to do...? But that's who I am...I suppose...always contemplating the unsaid

"You have the right to remain silent: Anything you say will be misinterpreted and then used against you."

Now, how to steal a shirt that is too big for you from a suspicious troll who doesn't have any scruples against hitting girls.

It's Christmas Eve. Didn't know that did ya? What did I do today?

We had a little bit of Christmas with the peeps that won't be here the actual day...tomorrow. Most of the time, we open all our presents on Christmas morning, we aren't like the sissy people who can't wait and open 'em all on the Eve. Crazy, impatient people.

I made some chocolate cookies. Yummy. But they insist on feeding them to Santa. What's Santa going to do with them. If anyone needs to go on Atkins, it's him. Come on now people. They should give them to people who will appreciate them. Santa gets millions of cookies all in one night. I only get these kind of cookies when I come home from school. It's just unfair I tell you. I wonder if I should copy the recipe for that far off day when I will have a kitchen of my own...

We bought a couple of chairs too. Two of the ones from the set got broked. How's that happen? Boys of course.

Don't worry about the list, it is all just an attempt to validate my days. I think I'm wasting them away.

Anyway, then we went out to lunch again. I've been going out to lunch a lot lately... It was annoying though. My sandwich didn't have enough meat on it, so it tasted too much like cream cheese.

Then I went to the grocery store, that was pretty boring.

And then I finished my book. But between that, more Will-be-Christmas absentees came around...

Hmmm, I didn't do much today. I need to go to Gramma's and get the next book in the series. I hope it's already out. If it's not, it's coming out when I'm in Japan, and that will just be annoying.

Yup, that's all that's going on in my head. How sad. I made a list of all the stuff I need to do before going to Japan, that would be a good place to start. Maybe if the stores were still open, that would be a possibility.

Eep, eep. Maa

I really haven't figured out what's going on with my head yet. When I come home, everything slows down and I don't understand what's going on anymore. One of the good things about home is that I really don't have to think, but a bad thing is that I don't even try to work on myself. Here, it's okay to be lazy and spend too much money, and just bum around. Which is okay to a certain extent, but not so much for long periods of time.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousin who ran away just about three years ago. She's having a baby soon. She's gotten a lot bigger than she was, I think bigger than most pregnant women get. I haven't really talked to her since she ran away, I've seen her probably three or four times. We went to see a movie and have lunch and do some shopping, but we were with my Aunt and my other cousin, so I didn't really have to talk to her. I had no idea what to say. I don't remember what we used to talk about. I think we were pretty close, we spent a lot of time together at least. Now she just seems like her sisters who I haven't had anything in common with for years now. A couple of times she asked me questions about my life and going to Japan, but I just kind of answered quickly and changed the subject. How do you talk about college and figuring out your life to someone who threw theirs away and seems (I'm told by others) to just now be realizing it? She's younger than me, she'll turn 20 in May, and the only thing she has to look forward to is her baby. Her husband works all the time (for how much money?) and she also lives with her brother-in-law and father-in-law. And she only works two days a week for her sister-in-law for no money. I just cannot imagine. We have nothing in common anymore.

At least she's seeing the family again. I know it's really important to my aunt and my grampa that she spends some time with them now. They are really family oriented. She's sent me a couple cards, I got a Christmas card from her, and she emailed me once, but I just can't bring myself to reply. Ack, it drives me insane. I don't understand how she could pick the life she has now over the life she could have had. (what does that mean? Who knows, but I imagine that it wouldn't be as hand-to-mouth as it is now.) And her stupid husband is soooo greasy, if I could like him, it might be better. It's all speculation, but some of my cousin's old friends have seen him hanging around while my cousin's sitting at home all alone. Anyway, no speculations on the blog, too hard to explain. It's just 'cause I saw her today, that's all.

That's occupied my mind today. When I got back after dropping her off, I took a nap for an unnecessary amount of time, but that's okay. That's all my ranting for today, all I can handle...

Okay, here's me reporting in. I guess I gotta get used to it if I'm going to have to regularly from now on.

I got home okay and my brother was waiting at the airport. All my bags arrived. We had a little bit of a time getting them in the car because my dad decided to be even weirder and got a mustang. I'm telling you people. He's insane. But then the only thing I could do was take the keys from my brother and drive it myself. It's very low... About halfway home I started wondering if I should really be driving. Having only dozed the night before, I should have been falling asleep at the wheel, but that didn't start until I started wondering if that should happen. Yeah, I'm very suggestive.

But now I'm home again, and it's odd. I slept a full 12 hours last night, without having to try. The only time I woke up was when the alarm went off at 6:30. I hate when you forget to turn things off. And we all went to see Lord of the Rings today. At the end, or the almost end, everyone started talking like it was the very end of the movie. That was funny.

I'm still a little confused, but I'm sure it will get better. I hope...

Yes, I am going to take valuable time out of my paper writing for some blog writing, even though I don't get graded for this. Plus, it's not like I'm really writing anyway, I have no idea what I'm doing, so this probably won't detract any from the finished product.

I just want them to be done! Why is it that I have to finish them, aren't I leaving for another country soon? You'd think there'd be some sort of exemption clause for the people that have to pack up all their belongings. I tried to start packing, but it didn't work. For some reason, I just couldn't figure out where to start. It's also that I don't have anywhere to put the boxes. In the years past, I could just leave them in the middle of the room, but that isn't exactly going to work now, it is?

I am so caught up in this leaving thing. I want to go go go go go go go go go. But I need to finish this week, 'cause there is just too much stuff going on finals week, and it isn't even the finals that I'm talking about.

We're already talking about Spring Break of senior year, how crazy is that? It's like we're just not going to exist over study abroad. I'm making plans for Japan with completely different people. I'll exist in one universe in Japan and then come back to this one next fall. It's a little odd. I wonder how it's going to work. Or if it's going to work. I'll guess all we can do is wait and see.

Uhhh, gotta go.

It's Wednesday today...tonight...sometime. Tomorrow is Thursday...and then, well, you get the idea. Then the weekend, and another weekend, and another weekend...sort of. I gotta go home... Scary...but if I'll already done, what am I still doing with homework and papers to write? I think someone forgot to mention to the professors that we're already done. I wanna go to Japan!!! But I know that I'm gonna die there. Would this be dissonance? I've got to get on that one.

I've had a headache for two days running, I think this is a bad sign. Either I'm getting sick, or this whole limbo thing (here but not here) is getting to me. I don't know which I prefer actually. I have been thinking WAY too much lately. The more I think, the less I am grounded. This may be connected to the whole reading thing that we discussed earlier. I guess it depends on what kind of thinking and whether I use the thinking to some good use. Like anything, I don't think thinking is good for it's own sake. What's that called? Inherent. It's not inherently good.

I really hope that Japan helps my Japanese. I really want to believe that I can be fluent in a language other than English. I am too dependent on the English language to express myself. Though, ever since high school, there has been a steady decrease of my ability to express myself clearly. Pretty soon, if I don't learn Japanese, I won't be able to communicate at all. Maybe this whole capstone thing will help. When I can't communicate verbally, I'll do it visually. I guess it's just the more expensive way. Why haven't we Americans thought of this before???

What to write, what to write. I feel like anything I say is just complaining. Do I complain too much? Wait, don't answer that. But do I? Oh great, now I'm complaining about complaining. It's a vicious cycle that can never end. Remember what I said about the whole thinking thing. It's just really not good for you!!

Man's purpose in life is to die.

No words to express the frustration.

Hate Hate Hate Hate

Death

What's happening here? Are they playing with my site or what? I'm not sure if I know how to post, so if you can't read this, that is probably why. Helps you out huh? Now I looked, and I still don't know how I'm supposed to post... maybe I shouldn't waste my time. Wow, found it. What the heck is up with this. It's insane. I only found the posty button by shear luck. Wahhhh I don't like this! That was pretty close.

Okay, must type and just ignore the weirdness going on around me...la la la

I'm very tired today. For a couple days I managed to feel good without taking a nap...but now I'm back to the whole, got enough sleep last night, but still sleepy. I got a shot today, and it really hurt. It's never hurt like that before. She's mean, I think she must not like me. And what's with the waving the needle around thing...I really don't need that kind of thing.

I assigned a couple of articles tonight and helped them come up with a plan. I felt very knowledgeable 'cause I was able to tell them how to start and who to talk to and all that. But it's funny, 'cause I don't feel like I'm qualified for that kind of thing. But maybe I am, 'cause they seemed to be listening to me. Would they listen if I was just spouting off crazy things? Who knows. But maybe I have learned a few things, even though I don't really write articles. Oops, gotta get the horoscopes... She's got to have them done by tomorrow, scary. I should email...note to self - email. There that will do it.

Totally spaced out music today. It was the first day at this time, but we have been talking about this time for a couple weeks now. Crazy, I always wonder how other people do that, but here I am. It has been a forget-fest lately, well, the last 24 hours. Forgot the email and forgot the meeting, and I was getting so good about time-management too.

Oh, is it still loading? Crap, what is up with thing? Okay, don't look anywhere else. Finish the blog and then you can look around, okie?

"Merely freshmen"? Were we "merely freshmen"? I wonder, I feel like there's a difference, but that may just be me, or the people I happen to be looking at at the time.

I want to go to sleep!!!! It's kind of sad that I feel bad if I want to go to bed before midnight. Talk about people making fun. One: what is wrong with going to bed early? Two: Why the heck get angry with me for over-generalizing and then do it yourself? No wonder I feel attacked. Come on people. I think there is lots of preconceived notions running around. Maybe to not offer opinions anymore...yeah right, like that's possible. (pysch, hehe, wanted to use it...) But it my help my anger levels...

Enough ranting, go do something important with your life!

Okay, this is new. All the dorks of the world united and did homework on Saturday night, so I had no choice but to do as the Romans do. And now, it's Sunday night, and all my homework is done. Of course there are the random things that I could do if I wanted that aren't due for a while, but...I think I'll just write in my blog.

So I'm excited about this Capstone thing. I hope it goes well. Meeting with the French guy on Tuesday, don't know what to ask. Gotta meet with the big bear guy too. Need a reading list. Am I going to have the strength to read hard philosophy stuff while I'm in Japan? I must, I'm an existentialist, I think. Must find out. But I think there are going to have to be lots of images, 'cause where are we going to get the actors? Do you have any ideas about that? I don't. I wonder if part of it could be that we only have bad actors. As in, we're all just faking life? I don't, must consider. Going to have to start a list of things that we must do. Maybe I should do that right now. I hope I can afford a camcorder, it would make things so much easier, not to mention more fun in Japan.

Ohhh, Bisa thing must work out.

No one is emailing me...no one is emailing me...Should I just take the chance. That's what it's looking like. But what if I have to pull out, what about Connie and Mrs. Mizuno? But I am going, I have to go. The Japanese government couldn't be that mean right?

Right now I am living in the future. Japan, Capstone, JET Program(me)?, what is my future. I should be living in the now, while planning for the future. I think, right? If you are always planning for the future, there is no point in planning fun things because once you get there, you are already moving on.

Japanese fashion mags...yeah. The only time I'm scared of Japanese culture.

Should I yes? Should I no? Will I get caught up in the whole corporate thing? Should I steal the health book from Ann and do the test? Yes

I feel like I'm floating through life right now. Time is moving really fast right now, adding this movie like quality to life. When you look up and it's two weeks since the last time you looked up...it's a very interesting feeling. And then I'm reading Anna Karenina everyday and it sort of adds some surrealism to all of...whatever. I don't feel very connected to my life right now anyway, so going into someone else's doesn't do much for the whole realism thing. And also, no one is answering my emails about study abroad questions...making me very angry! And also seperating me from it...I may have to go on an email barrage campaign. But I hate that. I wish they would just answer me, I hate being pushy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just hanging onto the train of life with my fingernails until we get somewhere fun. And then at others, I read the blog and feel like I am way too melodramatic. So which is it?

Just trying to be a at calm but happy place. And I want to take you for granted? Um no. Actually, I'd like to not take people for granted.

Anyway, back to the reading a lot now...I kind of feel like it's bad for me. It takes me away from what's real, which is what people like, I guess. But I don't like it anymore. I feel like I'm not here anyway, so reading just takes me further away. Most of the time, when I just read a chapter, I'm okay. It's hard to get sucked in that fast. But when I read longer than that, when I can't stop, when I tell myself that this is the last chapter 10 times, I don't want to come back to SUA. I was to stay in Russia, or Switzerland, or Italy, or wherever they happen to be at the time. But reading is supposed to be good for you right? Getting new ideas and other points of view and all that jazz.

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. The JET program would be fun, but would it just be putting things off for another year, two years, three years, four years...five years. At the end of five years, I would be 26, almost 27... And still not sure what I would be doing for the rest of my life. They don't take you after you turn 40. So would that just be another way of dodging the question? It's still semiacceptable now, but what about then. Yeah it would be great to keep up my Japanese, but am I going to be a translator? Will Joyce help me?

Maybe if I actually figure out what's going on, I could feel better about my life. I'm still not part of it. I'm still a kid but one with impending adulthood on the horizon. I don't have a place in the world right now, but I'll need to make one very soon. Yeah great, but what does that mean? I have no idea about what that place might be. Darn you Soka! Look what you have done to me. "Let's offer her that broad Liberal Arts degree so she still can't really narrow down what she wants with her life!" "Sounds good to me!" "Let's do it, she'll never know." Sorry buddies, I'm onto your game. And it's working.

I'm alive, aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvee.

Okay, so some of you out there may be wondering at my lack of the blogginess lately. Well, for those of you here with me...SHAME ON YOU. I'm lucky if I check my email once a day. And for the rest of you...all, wait, are there any of you. Who knows if you even read it...anyway......

*shimmer shimmer shimmer*

It all started about two weeks ago. I was studiously studying, as is my habit (emailing, web-surfing, and freecell weren't anywhere near the surface of my mind), when suddenly a small earthquake, with the epicenter exactly in the middle of my desk, cause the books to fall, the box to run into my cup of water and the water to splash onto my computer's keyboard. Despite the heroic efforts of myself and a few other brave students, the laptop could not be resesutated. It had to be sent to the nations foremost electronic surgeon in Tennessee and we still haven't heard back as to its chances of survival.

*shimmer shimmer shimmer back to the real world*

And so there you have it. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (as much of it as I can remember anywho). Now I have to get back to my paper, and you have to wait around for another undetermined interval for my next blog.

p.s. It's hard to write a paper when you can even procrastinate about getting to a computer to start writing!!!

To busy to blog. I have such a headache!!

It's so unfair to be tired at 10:00 on Friday night. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend fully if I have to go to bed early? We should reconsider this whole thing.

What's the point of being challenged? Is it a good think to have to always defend yourself? She said that it's bad because they always support the negative feelings. At that age, that's what you want. It's not good for you, because you are just drawn in deeper, but, because you feelings are probably based a lot on hormones so you can't explain them, you are drawn to people who don't make you explain. Isn't it good to have people that support or accept what you say unconditionally. But what if what you say isn't right. There's a right way and a wrong way.

As age comes and hormones settle, you can examine what you truly think and why you think that way. Until then, you just have to grit your teeth and hold on. People who don't challenge you make that possible. And people who tell you you are right make it almost seem like fun.

But sometimes you just want to say something. So you just say something. You express an opinion. And then you have to leave or get really frustrated or maybe something worse.

Maybe I am an extraverted person. I wonder where the whole shy thing comes from. Because is 75% is extraverted...more than just 25% of the population in shy. Therefore shy can't mean intraverted. I'm confused. Was I just not raised in a social enough environment. But then, I'd still rather stay home with people I already know.

Oh yeah, gotta do the whole email thing. I wonder how money is.

Okay, so dream last night. It was all full of conspiracies. First, there were a bunch of people living in a large house with a man who didn't let them do anything. I think at one time he was a really generous person and that's why they all started living with him. But now, he wouldn't let them read books or anything. They hid books in shoes so he wouldn't find them. And now for some reason I'm staying with them... Then one night, we are trying to be all sneaky with books and stuff and he hears noises and is trying to find them. There was a really big foyer area that he was looking around in...

Then there were two people at a table who did something involving secrecy and spy stuff. They weren't supposed to tell me about what they did, but they weren't doing a very good job. And then the younger, more irresponsible one went to bed/left. And we found out he was double-crossing us. I don't know where the "us" came from. But he left his wallet on the rack that had a bunch of wallets on it. Now there are more of "us," and suddenly the double-crosser guy is Chester. So he's jumping in a car driven by Matt(?) and we're telling him that he can't leave because his wallet and car keys and everything is here, but he leaves anyway. And we lament that we always tried to get him involved in what we were doing, which sounded suspiciously like newspaper. So then I go through his wallet, and there are a bunch of old newspapers and a note. I don't really remember what the note said. But the newspapers all had a bunch of not nice commentary on them, about me specifically. I'm not sure who the mean commentator was at this time, though there was still a little bit of Chester, there was mostly someone else. So we feel all used because of this discovery.

Then somehow we're on a boat on some kind of executive committe meeting trip. But the boat sinks. So we find an island that has this big resort/mansion thing (Kind of like in the movies when some rich person always has a billion people at his house). So we ask him to stay 'cause we sunk and all that. And somehow the conspiratory thing comes up again. I went to a novelty shop and there they were, but I don't remember what I did. This could have been before the other stuff(?). I just remember all the secrecy and conspiracies and double-crossings. It somehow made more sense while it was happening.