It's Wednesday today...tonight...sometime. Tomorrow is Thursday...and then, well, you get the idea. Then the weekend, and another weekend, and another weekend...sort of. I gotta go home... Scary...but if I'll already done, what am I still doing with homework and papers to write? I think someone forgot to mention to the professors that we're already done. I wanna go to Japan!!! But I know that I'm gonna die there. Would this be dissonance? I've got to get on that one.

I've had a headache for two days running, I think this is a bad sign. Either I'm getting sick, or this whole limbo thing (here but not here) is getting to me. I don't know which I prefer actually. I have been thinking WAY too much lately. The more I think, the less I am grounded. This may be connected to the whole reading thing that we discussed earlier. I guess it depends on what kind of thinking and whether I use the thinking to some good use. Like anything, I don't think thinking is good for it's own sake. What's that called? Inherent. It's not inherently good.

I really hope that Japan helps my Japanese. I really want to believe that I can be fluent in a language other than English. I am too dependent on the English language to express myself. Though, ever since high school, there has been a steady decrease of my ability to express myself clearly. Pretty soon, if I don't learn Japanese, I won't be able to communicate at all. Maybe this whole capstone thing will help. When I can't communicate verbally, I'll do it visually. I guess it's just the more expensive way. Why haven't we Americans thought of this before???

What to write, what to write. I feel like anything I say is just complaining. Do I complain too much? Wait, don't answer that. But do I? Oh great, now I'm complaining about complaining. It's a vicious cycle that can never end. Remember what I said about the whole thinking thing. It's just really not good for you!!

Man's purpose in life is to die.

No words to express the frustration.

Hate Hate Hate Hate

Death

What's happening here? Are they playing with my site or what? I'm not sure if I know how to post, so if you can't read this, that is probably why. Helps you out huh? Now I looked, and I still don't know how I'm supposed to post... maybe I shouldn't waste my time. Wow, found it. What the heck is up with this. It's insane. I only found the posty button by shear luck. Wahhhh I don't like this! That was pretty close.

Okay, must type and just ignore the weirdness going on around me...la la la

I'm very tired today. For a couple days I managed to feel good without taking a nap...but now I'm back to the whole, got enough sleep last night, but still sleepy. I got a shot today, and it really hurt. It's never hurt like that before. She's mean, I think she must not like me. And what's with the waving the needle around thing...I really don't need that kind of thing.

I assigned a couple of articles tonight and helped them come up with a plan. I felt very knowledgeable 'cause I was able to tell them how to start and who to talk to and all that. But it's funny, 'cause I don't feel like I'm qualified for that kind of thing. But maybe I am, 'cause they seemed to be listening to me. Would they listen if I was just spouting off crazy things? Who knows. But maybe I have learned a few things, even though I don't really write articles. Oops, gotta get the horoscopes... She's got to have them done by tomorrow, scary. I should email...note to self - email. There that will do it.

Totally spaced out music today. It was the first day at this time, but we have been talking about this time for a couple weeks now. Crazy, I always wonder how other people do that, but here I am. It has been a forget-fest lately, well, the last 24 hours. Forgot the email and forgot the meeting, and I was getting so good about time-management too.

Oh, is it still loading? Crap, what is up with thing? Okay, don't look anywhere else. Finish the blog and then you can look around, okie?

"Merely freshmen"? Were we "merely freshmen"? I wonder, I feel like there's a difference, but that may just be me, or the people I happen to be looking at at the time.

I want to go to sleep!!!! It's kind of sad that I feel bad if I want to go to bed before midnight. Talk about people making fun. One: what is wrong with going to bed early? Two: Why the heck get angry with me for over-generalizing and then do it yourself? No wonder I feel attacked. Come on people. I think there is lots of preconceived notions running around. Maybe to not offer opinions anymore...yeah right, like that's possible. (pysch, hehe, wanted to use it...) But it my help my anger levels...

Enough ranting, go do something important with your life!

Okay, this is new. All the dorks of the world united and did homework on Saturday night, so I had no choice but to do as the Romans do. And now, it's Sunday night, and all my homework is done. Of course there are the random things that I could do if I wanted that aren't due for a while, but...I think I'll just write in my blog.

So I'm excited about this Capstone thing. I hope it goes well. Meeting with the French guy on Tuesday, don't know what to ask. Gotta meet with the big bear guy too. Need a reading list. Am I going to have the strength to read hard philosophy stuff while I'm in Japan? I must, I'm an existentialist, I think. Must find out. But I think there are going to have to be lots of images, 'cause where are we going to get the actors? Do you have any ideas about that? I don't. I wonder if part of it could be that we only have bad actors. As in, we're all just faking life? I don't, must consider. Going to have to start a list of things that we must do. Maybe I should do that right now. I hope I can afford a camcorder, it would make things so much easier, not to mention more fun in Japan.

Ohhh, Bisa thing must work out.

No one is emailing me...no one is emailing me...Should I just take the chance. That's what it's looking like. But what if I have to pull out, what about Connie and Mrs. Mizuno? But I am going, I have to go. The Japanese government couldn't be that mean right?

Right now I am living in the future. Japan, Capstone, JET Program(me)?, what is my future. I should be living in the now, while planning for the future. I think, right? If you are always planning for the future, there is no point in planning fun things because once you get there, you are already moving on.

Japanese fashion mags...yeah. The only time I'm scared of Japanese culture.

Should I yes? Should I no? Will I get caught up in the whole corporate thing? Should I steal the health book from Ann and do the test? Yes

I feel like I'm floating through life right now. Time is moving really fast right now, adding this movie like quality to life. When you look up and it's two weeks since the last time you looked up...it's a very interesting feeling. And then I'm reading Anna Karenina everyday and it sort of adds some surrealism to all of...whatever. I don't feel very connected to my life right now anyway, so going into someone else's doesn't do much for the whole realism thing. And also, no one is answering my emails about study abroad questions...making me very angry! And also seperating me from it...I may have to go on an email barrage campaign. But I hate that. I wish they would just answer me, I hate being pushy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just hanging onto the train of life with my fingernails until we get somewhere fun. And then at others, I read the blog and feel like I am way too melodramatic. So which is it?

Just trying to be a at calm but happy place. And I want to take you for granted? Um no. Actually, I'd like to not take people for granted.

Anyway, back to the reading a lot now...I kind of feel like it's bad for me. It takes me away from what's real, which is what people like, I guess. But I don't like it anymore. I feel like I'm not here anyway, so reading just takes me further away. Most of the time, when I just read a chapter, I'm okay. It's hard to get sucked in that fast. But when I read longer than that, when I can't stop, when I tell myself that this is the last chapter 10 times, I don't want to come back to SUA. I was to stay in Russia, or Switzerland, or Italy, or wherever they happen to be at the time. But reading is supposed to be good for you right? Getting new ideas and other points of view and all that jazz.

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. The JET program would be fun, but would it just be putting things off for another year, two years, three years, four years...five years. At the end of five years, I would be 26, almost 27... And still not sure what I would be doing for the rest of my life. They don't take you after you turn 40. So would that just be another way of dodging the question? It's still semiacceptable now, but what about then. Yeah it would be great to keep up my Japanese, but am I going to be a translator? Will Joyce help me?

Maybe if I actually figure out what's going on, I could feel better about my life. I'm still not part of it. I'm still a kid but one with impending adulthood on the horizon. I don't have a place in the world right now, but I'll need to make one very soon. Yeah great, but what does that mean? I have no idea about what that place might be. Darn you Soka! Look what you have done to me. "Let's offer her that broad Liberal Arts degree so she still can't really narrow down what she wants with her life!" "Sounds good to me!" "Let's do it, she'll never know." Sorry buddies, I'm onto your game. And it's working.

I'm alive, aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvee.

Okay, so some of you out there may be wondering at my lack of the blogginess lately. Well, for those of you here with me...SHAME ON YOU. I'm lucky if I check my email once a day. And for the rest of you...all, wait, are there any of you. Who knows if you even read it...anyway......

*shimmer shimmer shimmer*

It all started about two weeks ago. I was studiously studying, as is my habit (emailing, web-surfing, and freecell weren't anywhere near the surface of my mind), when suddenly a small earthquake, with the epicenter exactly in the middle of my desk, cause the books to fall, the box to run into my cup of water and the water to splash onto my computer's keyboard. Despite the heroic efforts of myself and a few other brave students, the laptop could not be resesutated. It had to be sent to the nations foremost electronic surgeon in Tennessee and we still haven't heard back as to its chances of survival.

*shimmer shimmer shimmer back to the real world*

And so there you have it. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (as much of it as I can remember anywho). Now I have to get back to my paper, and you have to wait around for another undetermined interval for my next blog.

p.s. It's hard to write a paper when you can even procrastinate about getting to a computer to start writing!!!

To busy to blog. I have such a headache!!

It's so unfair to be tired at 10:00 on Friday night. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend fully if I have to go to bed early? We should reconsider this whole thing.

What's the point of being challenged? Is it a good think to have to always defend yourself? She said that it's bad because they always support the negative feelings. At that age, that's what you want. It's not good for you, because you are just drawn in deeper, but, because you feelings are probably based a lot on hormones so you can't explain them, you are drawn to people who don't make you explain. Isn't it good to have people that support or accept what you say unconditionally. But what if what you say isn't right. There's a right way and a wrong way.

As age comes and hormones settle, you can examine what you truly think and why you think that way. Until then, you just have to grit your teeth and hold on. People who don't challenge you make that possible. And people who tell you you are right make it almost seem like fun.

But sometimes you just want to say something. So you just say something. You express an opinion. And then you have to leave or get really frustrated or maybe something worse.

Maybe I am an extraverted person. I wonder where the whole shy thing comes from. Because is 75% is extraverted...more than just 25% of the population in shy. Therefore shy can't mean intraverted. I'm confused. Was I just not raised in a social enough environment. But then, I'd still rather stay home with people I already know.

Oh yeah, gotta do the whole email thing. I wonder how money is.

Okay, so dream last night. It was all full of conspiracies. First, there were a bunch of people living in a large house with a man who didn't let them do anything. I think at one time he was a really generous person and that's why they all started living with him. But now, he wouldn't let them read books or anything. They hid books in shoes so he wouldn't find them. And now for some reason I'm staying with them... Then one night, we are trying to be all sneaky with books and stuff and he hears noises and is trying to find them. There was a really big foyer area that he was looking around in...

Then there were two people at a table who did something involving secrecy and spy stuff. They weren't supposed to tell me about what they did, but they weren't doing a very good job. And then the younger, more irresponsible one went to bed/left. And we found out he was double-crossing us. I don't know where the "us" came from. But he left his wallet on the rack that had a bunch of wallets on it. Now there are more of "us," and suddenly the double-crosser guy is Chester. So he's jumping in a car driven by Matt(?) and we're telling him that he can't leave because his wallet and car keys and everything is here, but he leaves anyway. And we lament that we always tried to get him involved in what we were doing, which sounded suspiciously like newspaper. So then I go through his wallet, and there are a bunch of old newspapers and a note. I don't really remember what the note said. But the newspapers all had a bunch of not nice commentary on them, about me specifically. I'm not sure who the mean commentator was at this time, though there was still a little bit of Chester, there was mostly someone else. So we feel all used because of this discovery.

Then somehow we're on a boat on some kind of executive committe meeting trip. But the boat sinks. So we find an island that has this big resort/mansion thing (Kind of like in the movies when some rich person always has a billion people at his house). So we ask him to stay 'cause we sunk and all that. And somehow the conspiratory thing comes up again. I went to a novelty shop and there they were, but I don't remember what I did. This could have been before the other stuff(?). I just remember all the secrecy and conspiracies and double-crossings. It somehow made more sense while it was happening.

Wow, someone's going to explode...and it's not me. I'm amazed. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who was feeling...overwhelmed, but underwhelmed at the same time and ready to get out of here. Though, there was lots of evidence to the contrary (e.g. people being mad at people they aren't normally mad at). Still, it's nice to hear it. Maybe I'll go to the bathroom. Suddenly it makes me feel better. Is that bad? But I guess it doesn't make me feel too much better, because no one should feel that way. It's not fun.

Ummmm. What is complaining? And why do we fall into its trap? Doesn't it just drive other people away?

I should read the darn Poetics again. But I don't particularly want to. Oooo, I should read it after I get the question tomorrow. That's smart, smart. Sometimes I come up with smart plans, like time management. Now, if I was really smart, each of these smart plans would be put into action. Let's up the IQ!

What is IQ? What is smart. Sometimes I feel smarter than people, but it's usually when they are demonstrating that they can't do something, and that something affects me. Why does the inability to do some things point to low IQ while others just mean that their talents lie in another area. Some people accuse me of being judgemental. Isn't that judgemental of them? He who has not sinned...blah blah blah. How can you not have an opinion of a person? It's impossible. Maybe you don't ever think of them or know they exist, and then you can have zero opinion. But the moment you think about that person, you have to have an opinion. Even if you are people watching and you have not and will not ever meet them, you have an opinion about their clothes or their posture... I just happen to state my opinions more often than others do. I express all of my opinions more than other people do. So, statistically, it has nothing to do with anything.

Must sleep. Don't judge me for sleeping before everyone else. And maybe I really do have good time management skills. Who is the one that has been doing work while the others are all gathered and talking about nothing?

It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday. And that's all I have to say about the subject.

"I wonder what the homework is. I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

Oh yes, and for the faint of heart of those of you out there, I shall be keeping track, don't you worry about it. All will be revealed.

Well, that didn't work. Spoil sports.

Wow, I've been writing everyday, and now I'm out of things to say. Well, maybe I just don't have anything to complain about. Isn't that sad. Only complaining on here.

So, then, what's the purpose of this here exercise? Is it just a cathartic thing?

Who knows? Now I'm too tired to think.

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow."

Truer words were never spoken.

"Send me random thongs."

I am ready to be not sick any more. Any longer. Either one, I'm not picky. Please. And tomorrow I have to do stuff all day long. It all has to happen at the same time. Sleeping has no joy any longer. Anymore. Sad, sleeping should be the most enjoyable thing in the whole world. Everything is really slow in sick-time. R e a l l y s l o w i n s i c k - t i m e . . .

I have been resurrected. But I'm still dying. Just because I'm alive again, doesn't mean that I'm not still sick. Isn't that a wonder. What happens when you resurrect a cancer patient. Wouldn't they still have tumors and all that. When you die, the tumors don't go away sooooo. The only thing I can guess is that when you are dead, they can do surgery and not have to worry about whether the patient will survive the complicated procedure.

It's HOT in here! But I'm not gonna take off all my clothes.

I should do some homework.

"She didn't make it. Who's gonna call it?"

"Time of death: 15:30."

"The memorial service will be held Sunday at 3:00 at the First Episcopalian Church on 3rd and Rucker. The media has been asked to respect the privacy of the grieving family."

I got excited about the haunted house again. We totally changed one of the rooms and now it's gonna be really scary. Could it have had something to do with the fact that none of the "leaders" were there? But anyways...

I have no thoughts in my head. It hurts too much. I have to have people around me to have thoughts for me. I am living vicariously through others' thoughts and actions.

It's so hard to be nice when you are sick. When someone makes a joke, you have to laugh, even if it means hurting your nose. I just want to sit and not have to smile when someone says something. I don't want to have to acknowledge them at all. Wow.

Spiders. Pygmies!

I am dying. There is a little alien in my head that is burrowing around looking for a good home. My head resembles an ant farm just about now. So far it has just stuck to the left side of my head, I hope it doesn't discover that there is a whole other side. I'll try to drown him. That's all I have to do for the next 45 minutes. Who is their right mind schedules things starting at 11pm? Deductive logic would tell me that this person must not be in their right mind. Or is it inductive?

I wonder if looking at a computer screen in a dim room is good for the recovery?

If you don't stop it, I'm going to have to start writing in Japanese!! Except...I wonder if this thing will show the Japanese. Let's test. ‚?‚?‚³‚µ‚??BƒWƒFƒVƒJ‚?‚·?B‚?‚¤‚¼‚?‚낵‚­?B

Did that work? Well, I guess we know what is going to happen now!

The little bugger is just sucking it all in. Quel dommage!

Blog blog blog...

Yeah, haven't I been good lately? Yes I have!

"Ready to carve my pumpkin =)"

The haunted house is FINALLY meeting tonight. Hopefully I can have some more fun with that. Why am I not able to accept leadership? I hope it really is just that they are bad leaders, because, if it's not, it's ME. And we all know when that happens. Then I have to deal with my own trust issues and issues regarding power and powerlessness. And then it's all a big mess. And who wants that? NOBODY, that's who. And by nobody, I don't mean Odysseus, let's just get that straight right now.

I even already started my Japanese homework. I should probably start on my Japanese presentation. But it's about the future. If there's anything I don't know about, that's it. From reading the stuff Joyce gave me and taking the tests, I think it's not so much that I don't know what I want to do, it seems like its more that I don't want to be rejected. If I don't make a choice and don't apply to anything they really can't reject me. It's a PERFECT plan I tell you! All I need to do to make it work perfectly is find a really rich guy who either loves me unconditionally or is really really old and will die soon. Aren't these sad thoughts? Who is letting me think these things.

Okay...happy...happy...

I did well on my first Kehlen paper! He even told me it was a good paper. The problem is, how do I improve enough to get a good grade when I have less improvement to do than last year. But of course, there is always unlimited improvement, especially for him. I think my new strategy for writing papers is going to stay. It takes more revision, but my sentences are shorter and clearer. There's not time for the thought to get lost between the time I think it and when I figure out how to say it in an acadmic way.

There's not. There isn't. Is that the same meaning? Funny. Who thought up contractions anyway? Why do we have them for some words and not for others? And why can't we invent more off the top of our heads whenever we want to? I think there's some bias going on! And not towards me, which is always a good thing!

Wow, I sure am "Loquacia" tonight.

Okay, now is the complain time. I really must be a control freak because I am so disappointed that all the rooms are decided and I didn't have a say. And that the monster committee is doing the people. Maybe that's what interests me the most. But then, I think they are inextricably linked, so I want to have a say in it all. I guess I'm not actually in the club that it's for, so what am I complaining about? But I really wanted to be totally involved. Part of the fun is the crunch time, when you have to make decisions fast and sit around arguing all night long. And then, when all this was going on, I could feel myself distancing myself for it all. It was all explain what's going on real fast and then if you have input at exactly the right moment, you can throw it in. And yeah, it's totally not fair to be mad, or whatever I am, because they have been working so hard and all that. But I guess I understood that I would have more to do with it than I do.

And yeah, maybe I complain too much, but if I can't do it here, it's all gotta be in my head. And um...isn't that the purpose of this whole exercise? Yeah I'm overly critical of a lot of things, so what of it. You don't like it, stop reading.

Maybe if I go to bed, it will all be better in the morning. At least until the next meeting...FRIDAY.

I could read almost all of the Japanese! Hehe, maybe I could have gotten it all if I had anything approaching a normal attention span. Darn gnat genes! I should probably work on that. It wouldn't do well to give up while in Japan. Maybe not such a happy situation.

Creep creep creep. This yellow wallpaper sure is sticky. I must be oppressed. If I wasn't, the wallpaper would be easy to walk through. I think. Or would it be green wallpaper. The color must be important. Note to self: remember not to get yellow wallpaper in the future. Do you think she just had a horrible interior decorating experience once and wrote the story as a catharsis? That's what apparently happened to Chaucer you know. Haven't you ever seen A Knights Tale? Come on!

Lights!!!!! Cold.

What do these other darn stories mean? Oh yeah, I can do some research about them too!