It's so unfair to be tired at 10:00 on Friday night. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend fully if I have to go to bed early? We should reconsider this whole thing.

What's the point of being challenged? Is it a good think to have to always defend yourself? She said that it's bad because they always support the negative feelings. At that age, that's what you want. It's not good for you, because you are just drawn in deeper, but, because you feelings are probably based a lot on hormones so you can't explain them, you are drawn to people who don't make you explain. Isn't it good to have people that support or accept what you say unconditionally. But what if what you say isn't right. There's a right way and a wrong way.

As age comes and hormones settle, you can examine what you truly think and why you think that way. Until then, you just have to grit your teeth and hold on. People who don't challenge you make that possible. And people who tell you you are right make it almost seem like fun.

But sometimes you just want to say something. So you just say something. You express an opinion. And then you have to leave or get really frustrated or maybe something worse.

Maybe I am an extraverted person. I wonder where the whole shy thing comes from. Because is 75% is extraverted...more than just 25% of the population in shy. Therefore shy can't mean intraverted. I'm confused. Was I just not raised in a social enough environment. But then, I'd still rather stay home with people I already know.

Oh yeah, gotta do the whole email thing. I wonder how money is.

Okay, so dream last night. It was all full of conspiracies. First, there were a bunch of people living in a large house with a man who didn't let them do anything. I think at one time he was a really generous person and that's why they all started living with him. But now, he wouldn't let them read books or anything. They hid books in shoes so he wouldn't find them. And now for some reason I'm staying with them... Then one night, we are trying to be all sneaky with books and stuff and he hears noises and is trying to find them. There was a really big foyer area that he was looking around in...

Then there were two people at a table who did something involving secrecy and spy stuff. They weren't supposed to tell me about what they did, but they weren't doing a very good job. And then the younger, more irresponsible one went to bed/left. And we found out he was double-crossing us. I don't know where the "us" came from. But he left his wallet on the rack that had a bunch of wallets on it. Now there are more of "us," and suddenly the double-crosser guy is Chester. So he's jumping in a car driven by Matt(?) and we're telling him that he can't leave because his wallet and car keys and everything is here, but he leaves anyway. And we lament that we always tried to get him involved in what we were doing, which sounded suspiciously like newspaper. So then I go through his wallet, and there are a bunch of old newspapers and a note. I don't really remember what the note said. But the newspapers all had a bunch of not nice commentary on them, about me specifically. I'm not sure who the mean commentator was at this time, though there was still a little bit of Chester, there was mostly someone else. So we feel all used because of this discovery.

Then somehow we're on a boat on some kind of executive committe meeting trip. But the boat sinks. So we find an island that has this big resort/mansion thing (Kind of like in the movies when some rich person always has a billion people at his house). So we ask him to stay 'cause we sunk and all that. And somehow the conspiratory thing comes up again. I went to a novelty shop and there they were, but I don't remember what I did. This could have been before the other stuff(?). I just remember all the secrecy and conspiracies and double-crossings. It somehow made more sense while it was happening.

Wow, someone's going to explode...and it's not me. I'm amazed. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who was feeling...overwhelmed, but underwhelmed at the same time and ready to get out of here. Though, there was lots of evidence to the contrary (e.g. people being mad at people they aren't normally mad at). Still, it's nice to hear it. Maybe I'll go to the bathroom. Suddenly it makes me feel better. Is that bad? But I guess it doesn't make me feel too much better, because no one should feel that way. It's not fun.

Ummmm. What is complaining? And why do we fall into its trap? Doesn't it just drive other people away?

I should read the darn Poetics again. But I don't particularly want to. Oooo, I should read it after I get the question tomorrow. That's smart, smart. Sometimes I come up with smart plans, like time management. Now, if I was really smart, each of these smart plans would be put into action. Let's up the IQ!

What is IQ? What is smart. Sometimes I feel smarter than people, but it's usually when they are demonstrating that they can't do something, and that something affects me. Why does the inability to do some things point to low IQ while others just mean that their talents lie in another area. Some people accuse me of being judgemental. Isn't that judgemental of them? He who has not sinned...blah blah blah. How can you not have an opinion of a person? It's impossible. Maybe you don't ever think of them or know they exist, and then you can have zero opinion. But the moment you think about that person, you have to have an opinion. Even if you are people watching and you have not and will not ever meet them, you have an opinion about their clothes or their posture... I just happen to state my opinions more often than others do. I express all of my opinions more than other people do. So, statistically, it has nothing to do with anything.

Must sleep. Don't judge me for sleeping before everyone else. And maybe I really do have good time management skills. Who is the one that has been doing work while the others are all gathered and talking about nothing?

It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday. And that's all I have to say about the subject.

"I wonder what the homework is. I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

Oh yes, and for the faint of heart of those of you out there, I shall be keeping track, don't you worry about it. All will be revealed.

Well, that didn't work. Spoil sports.

Wow, I've been writing everyday, and now I'm out of things to say. Well, maybe I just don't have anything to complain about. Isn't that sad. Only complaining on here.

So, then, what's the purpose of this here exercise? Is it just a cathartic thing?

Who knows? Now I'm too tired to think.

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow."

Truer words were never spoken.

"Send me random thongs."

I am ready to be not sick any more. Any longer. Either one, I'm not picky. Please. And tomorrow I have to do stuff all day long. It all has to happen at the same time. Sleeping has no joy any longer. Anymore. Sad, sleeping should be the most enjoyable thing in the whole world. Everything is really slow in sick-time. R e a l l y s l o w i n s i c k - t i m e . . .

I have been resurrected. But I'm still dying. Just because I'm alive again, doesn't mean that I'm not still sick. Isn't that a wonder. What happens when you resurrect a cancer patient. Wouldn't they still have tumors and all that. When you die, the tumors don't go away sooooo. The only thing I can guess is that when you are dead, they can do surgery and not have to worry about whether the patient will survive the complicated procedure.

It's HOT in here! But I'm not gonna take off all my clothes.

I should do some homework.

"She didn't make it. Who's gonna call it?"

"Time of death: 15:30."

"The memorial service will be held Sunday at 3:00 at the First Episcopalian Church on 3rd and Rucker. The media has been asked to respect the privacy of the grieving family."

I got excited about the haunted house again. We totally changed one of the rooms and now it's gonna be really scary. Could it have had something to do with the fact that none of the "leaders" were there? But anyways...

I have no thoughts in my head. It hurts too much. I have to have people around me to have thoughts for me. I am living vicariously through others' thoughts and actions.

It's so hard to be nice when you are sick. When someone makes a joke, you have to laugh, even if it means hurting your nose. I just want to sit and not have to smile when someone says something. I don't want to have to acknowledge them at all. Wow.

Spiders. Pygmies!

I am dying. There is a little alien in my head that is burrowing around looking for a good home. My head resembles an ant farm just about now. So far it has just stuck to the left side of my head, I hope it doesn't discover that there is a whole other side. I'll try to drown him. That's all I have to do for the next 45 minutes. Who is their right mind schedules things starting at 11pm? Deductive logic would tell me that this person must not be in their right mind. Or is it inductive?

I wonder if looking at a computer screen in a dim room is good for the recovery?

If you don't stop it, I'm going to have to start writing in Japanese!! Except...I wonder if this thing will show the Japanese. Let's test. ‚?‚?‚³‚µ‚??BƒWƒFƒVƒJ‚?‚·?B‚?‚¤‚¼‚?‚낵‚­?B

Did that work? Well, I guess we know what is going to happen now!

The little bugger is just sucking it all in. Quel dommage!

Blog blog blog...

Yeah, haven't I been good lately? Yes I have!

"Ready to carve my pumpkin =)"

The haunted house is FINALLY meeting tonight. Hopefully I can have some more fun with that. Why am I not able to accept leadership? I hope it really is just that they are bad leaders, because, if it's not, it's ME. And we all know when that happens. Then I have to deal with my own trust issues and issues regarding power and powerlessness. And then it's all a big mess. And who wants that? NOBODY, that's who. And by nobody, I don't mean Odysseus, let's just get that straight right now.

I even already started my Japanese homework. I should probably start on my Japanese presentation. But it's about the future. If there's anything I don't know about, that's it. From reading the stuff Joyce gave me and taking the tests, I think it's not so much that I don't know what I want to do, it seems like its more that I don't want to be rejected. If I don't make a choice and don't apply to anything they really can't reject me. It's a PERFECT plan I tell you! All I need to do to make it work perfectly is find a really rich guy who either loves me unconditionally or is really really old and will die soon. Aren't these sad thoughts? Who is letting me think these things.

Okay...happy...happy...

I did well on my first Kehlen paper! He even told me it was a good paper. The problem is, how do I improve enough to get a good grade when I have less improvement to do than last year. But of course, there is always unlimited improvement, especially for him. I think my new strategy for writing papers is going to stay. It takes more revision, but my sentences are shorter and clearer. There's not time for the thought to get lost between the time I think it and when I figure out how to say it in an acadmic way.

There's not. There isn't. Is that the same meaning? Funny. Who thought up contractions anyway? Why do we have them for some words and not for others? And why can't we invent more off the top of our heads whenever we want to? I think there's some bias going on! And not towards me, which is always a good thing!

Wow, I sure am "Loquacia" tonight.

Okay, now is the complain time. I really must be a control freak because I am so disappointed that all the rooms are decided and I didn't have a say. And that the monster committee is doing the people. Maybe that's what interests me the most. But then, I think they are inextricably linked, so I want to have a say in it all. I guess I'm not actually in the club that it's for, so what am I complaining about? But I really wanted to be totally involved. Part of the fun is the crunch time, when you have to make decisions fast and sit around arguing all night long. And then, when all this was going on, I could feel myself distancing myself for it all. It was all explain what's going on real fast and then if you have input at exactly the right moment, you can throw it in. And yeah, it's totally not fair to be mad, or whatever I am, because they have been working so hard and all that. But I guess I understood that I would have more to do with it than I do.

And yeah, maybe I complain too much, but if I can't do it here, it's all gotta be in my head. And um...isn't that the purpose of this whole exercise? Yeah I'm overly critical of a lot of things, so what of it. You don't like it, stop reading.

Maybe if I go to bed, it will all be better in the morning. At least until the next meeting...FRIDAY.

I could read almost all of the Japanese! Hehe, maybe I could have gotten it all if I had anything approaching a normal attention span. Darn gnat genes! I should probably work on that. It wouldn't do well to give up while in Japan. Maybe not such a happy situation.

Creep creep creep. This yellow wallpaper sure is sticky. I must be oppressed. If I wasn't, the wallpaper would be easy to walk through. I think. Or would it be green wallpaper. The color must be important. Note to self: remember not to get yellow wallpaper in the future. Do you think she just had a horrible interior decorating experience once and wrote the story as a catharsis? That's what apparently happened to Chaucer you know. Haven't you ever seen A Knights Tale? Come on!

Lights!!!!! Cold.

What do these other darn stories mean? Oh yeah, I can do some research about them too!

Do you think that when OBGYNs were kids, they were like, "When I grow up, I want to be a gynecologist!"? Or, if they didn't know the name for it, they would say, "I want to be a doctor for 'down there'"? And what do parents say when confronted with such interesting ideas?

Note: You are solely responsibly for maintaining the confidentiality of your password.

Why should I have to assess myself? It's difficult. But at least I finally went to see her. Maybe I will have a future eventually. Does this mean that some day I will be an adult? Ooooo, maybe it does. That'll be exciting. Now, am I extroverted or introverted? Which one do I want to be? Eek, I really am all of them, though I suppose that's what everyone says. I'm all like, you can't categorize me, I am an individually unique human being. Yeah right, isn't everybody. But I wonder if it changes the way you act to be labelled as something, or can it cause rebellion?

Mr. Play-it-safe was afraid to fly...And isn't it ironic, don't you think?

She's "suddenly over it." Why can't I do that?

I really really need to take some time off. Continuing like this has no purpose and may even end up making things worse, say if I blow up and kill a million people. That probably wouldn't be such a good thing, even beyond the fact that I'd go to jail for a million and one years and not graduate on time. Am I sort of doing it now? I think in a way, and I have to decide how much is enough, 'cause complete unattachment is probably beside the point.

Soooo frustrating. Is it me or not? Of course I feel like it's not me and my special circumstances, which are...??? But it may be, probably is. But there is stagnation all around. I don't think it's all me, there is too much. Japan will be good, as long as I don't fall into an English clique party. That dumb Fogle. He keeps hanging around and saying things in my head. Everything I say just implodes and there was no point in me saying it at all. How to just listen? Possible for me? Do I have some sort of defect in which I have to have others know what I think? Quiet is good. Quiet is good! Quiet is GOOD! Not to miss out on anything...what is there to miss out on?

Being far away from here will be a good thing.

Cliques may be a bad thing, but having several can be an escape. Why aren't we open to all peoples? There is something fun about inside jokes. Belonging.

Why is it that my writing has gotten a lot less complicated in the space of one summer? Hmmm, I wonder if it was the summer that did it. Maybe it was the dumb, completely random essays for Life and Death.

Does she really think that about me? That really hurts. And it's annoying. I'd like to think that they can see past my external, but I don't think they can. Then why...?

Ahhhhhh, why am I such a wimp? So good to talk to someone with some distance whom I trust. But not too much distance. I'm so confused, and I don't want to be. I should either take part or not. Ditto. Repeat? I shouldn't just do what I want when I want and not when I don't. Why is this such a big deal right now? Yeah distance.

Bow to Holy Jessica! Make that "holey." At least it's all over at once and I'll never have to get stuck for as long as I live!! Or a while at least. My arm feels like it weighs 1,000 pounds. How many kilos is that? Why doesn't the other one hurt. Just the tetanus hurts like heck. Ahh, pygmis! I would think the hepatitis would be worse, it seems like a heavier one because it's a 3-parter. I feel like Frankenstein with all my tape and band-aids.

Last night I read my own book for about 3 hours. It was kind of fun. But I skipped some activities and stuff to do it. I'm not sure about the book...it's entertaining obviously because I kept reading, but I'm not sure where it's going. It seems a little pointless. After the little homework strike, everything has really calmed down. I could have, and probably should have, worked on the essay for Monday, but I didn't. I had very little Japanese homework. Finished the reading in the afternoon. Cleaned the bathroom instead of homework. Relaxing in and physically strenuous sort of way.

Okay, that was scary. I hate these stupid things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so now I'm wondering if I didn't jump the gun a little bit. Or jump the fish? Anyway...Why is it Thursday the next time I've written? Yeah.

I took a break Tuesday night, went and saw a movie instead of writing a paper. Yeah, I know, I'm bad. But I was soooooo fed up with having homework all night long everynight. And then my professor was sick and the paper's not due until Monday now! Woohoo! It may just be my rationalization, but I take this as a message from the universe that it was okay. It's not like I do it every week, I haven't seen a movie in a long time. And then I finished last night's homework during the afternoon so I didn't have any pressing homework last night. So I cleaned the bathroom. Just when I was complaining and feeling like giving up, everything lightened. I think that's the way it should work. Not that I'm looking forward to when it all hits again or anything. And I should probably finish that essay...

Oh no!! I hope Connie will still come with me. The stupid visa thing!!!!!!!!!!! At least it will be easy for me because I'll just go as a student and not have to change while I'm there. But I need to bug them. Should that wait until I turn at least one thing in? I suppose...or Cassie! yea! Oh,,,,,I hope I hope I hope. And needs lots o' money! Alex seems open...every little bit helps.

?????????????????????????????????

So, apparently I'm not very happy. When did that happen? When was the last time I was really happy? Who knows? So, what is the definition of happiness? Is it not being sad? 'Cause I don't think I'm sad, if that has anything to do with it. I guess it's just that I'm not happy.

I was saying that I'm tired all the time. But it's only when I'm doing stuff that I don't necessarily want to do. But then, that's all the time. That's all I do. That's not how it should be huh? So the question is, am I tired all the time, or am I just doing stuff that I don't really want to do all the time?

At pretty much every moment in my day I can figure out something to complain about. Is that normal? Well, if it is, it's not good. Is this what they mean by projection? When will I get to a place where that doesn't happen? Instead of focusing on what's going right, I of course had to figure out if something is wrong.

Yeah, maybe sleep will help. HA.

Is it time to rant and rave? I feel like it is. However, I wish there was just a keyboard connected to my head, because typing it all out is quite time-consuming. Wait, now I can only remember one thing to rant about. Darn it! Oh yeah, going to have to say "darn it" instead of the c-word that I have been using lately. You may all think that I am over prudish, but too bad for you.

So, I guess the question is, what is the purpose of college? The purpose of this school is to "create world peace blah blah blah" through education. I guess that would be the operative word: "education." Primarily through learning things are we going to make a difference in the world. It's not through club, committee, or other activities that we are going to change the world. If that was the case, there would be no point in being here. You can start a club anywhere you want. I guess the thing about here is that there are a lot of people to join your club. But education, and not just of other people, is the most important thing. People are always saying that education is the most important thing, but they always mean other people. It seems like they feel that they are alreayd educated enough and now it's time to spread that to the rest of the world. Then what are you doing here? Go OUT there and educate people. You can't do it while taking classes at the same time, or at least, not as well.

...

Ahhh, that's nice, all minty fresh. (Without the mint of course)

So you may be asking yourself, "Self, what the heck is she talking about?" And I think that is a perfectly reasonable question. As such, I just may deign to answer it. Throughout the whole foreign language thing, Japanese has had the lightest homework load of all the classes. But, just recently, we had a rash of high homework nights. We have three or four homework pages and then a skit or essay due on top of that everyday, and then we have quizzes every day as well. And yeah, that's a lot of work. But considering that I have problems saying the simplest things and that I'm going to Japan in a couple months, this may just help to get me to the level that I really should be at. And yeah, I have been complaining just as loud as everyone else, but I usually don't start it until 10:00 the night before it's due, so there's not a lot of itme management going on here. People were saying that it's hard to get together in groups because of timing conflicts, hence the above conversation. Our first priority is not the club meeting, it's our class. Period. End of sentence. If you don't have enough time to do your homework because you are in too many clubs...uh, quit a couple of them maybe.

We are supposed to have homework for 2-3 times the amount of class we have. That's 1 1/2 times three...uhhh, 4 1/2 hours of class a week. Times two and there is a minimum of 9 hours of homework a week. I think that we've got it. So don't complain, we could have 13 1/2 hours a week.

Okay yeah, gotta go eat lunch and talk some Japonais.

AHHHHHHHH!!! Why can I not focus on my work!! According to the Wellness lady, that's a sign of stress. The only stupid thing is that it's what's causing the stress as well. I can't get away from it. I feel like I've been in school forever but we're only in the third week, or something like that. Of course, even now I should be writing my essay, or working on my nihongo homework. Isn't it funny that it looks weird written in romaji. Interestanteeeeeeeeeeeee.

Talking about stress has totally made me more stressed! It's like the abnormal pysch thing. Of course I'm going to see myself as stressed when we talk about it. And now I'm stressed about being STRESSED. It's just cruel I tell you. There is no justice in the world. What as I doing here anyway? That really is the question. And sleeping in on the weekends doesn't help because I know I should be doing something worthwhile. I slept in this morning when I wasn't supposed to. And then I felt guilty that I wasn't doing work so all the rest that I supposedly got from the extra sleep was used up in the worrying and feeling bad.

Yeah, guess I should stop complaining about having so much homework and just do it. HA

What's with all the relaxation stuff lately? It's everywhere!! In class, in the elevator, on the internet. I think I'll develop an ulcer just to spite them. That'll show 'em....yeah

So, if I just write every night, even if I don't have something to say, hopefully I'll get into the habit of having something to say!

Excited! Planned early bird special today. But it's going to be a lot of money!! Need to make some o' the green stuff I suppose. That would be good. Wonder what the Bank is going to say about the matter? Oh well, as long as I write the email soon. But I am going, even if I just have to sit in the middle of the street and starve. 15 mintues huh? Well, that's the way it is. All the good stuff happens and all the other stuff just waits to happen. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And just when I was thinking my cookie was one solid mass, it poofs into dust. It's kind of a scary feeling though. And now I have to wait long long periods of time. Yea!!

Too bad I won't be able to participate in the "en Feb" celebrations though. That might have been some fun. But this will be definitely useful to be included in the funness.

Okay, time to go to bed when I don't even care that I am massacring the English language.

Hi,

How are you doing? Blah blah blah.

Could you do this for me?

Thanks,

Jessica