Okay, so I admit it, I wasn't going to blog. I've been avoiding it. But I was just reading the others, and Cassie's quote caught me. The one about not praying when it's raining if you don't pray when the sun's shining.

I guess that's kind of my problem. Most of my peeps are aware that I'm having a small crisis of faith right now. Maybe not a crisis, but something is interfering with my practice. Anyway, I've found myself wanting to pray lately. I'm feeling more materialistic than usual, I think it always happens when I'm at home. Maybe something about reverting to how I was before college? And yeah, I'm a pretty materialistic person in general, but it's gone overtime while I've been here. But that's not the only thing I'm worrying about right now. And I've been thinking about praying a lot, but I having done it except in my head. And when I read Cassie's quote, I realized that I feel guilty about that. For my whole life, I've been one of the strongest practitioners in my age group, and even above. I've been told that it needs to be a constant thing and have always believed it. When I heard the stories about people who had stopped practicing and had their life turn to crap, I was utterly astonished that they had allowed that to happen. And now I've basically stopped practicing. I don't avoid, but I don't self-motivate either. And now I'm afraid that my life is going to go the way of those other people. I'll be homeless someday or completely alienate everyone around me. But when I think about what I can do to stop this spiral that I have heard about for my entire life, I feel guilty that that is what it would take to get me back. And I also haven't reconciled with the reasons I'm putting distance between myself and the SGI. I never had anything bad to say about the faith, just the organization. So, is it dishonest of me to practice alone while disparaging the others when one of the other precepts is participating in the organization? They say that you can't practice alone, part of the religion is sharing with other people.

But then part of me rebels at the active part. I think that the ideas and taking action part are important, but I can't rationalize the chanting thing with the practical parts of me. To me, chanting has been about strengthening the resolve within the person. But lately, I have been surrounded by so many people who expect it to work like magic. I have always snubbed my nose at the mysticists and been thankful that I had found a religion that still used it's head. But many still don't. And I feel awkward about talking about it to any within the SGI, just in case they are the same way. And I WILL NOT talk to anyone I don't know just because they are big leaders. I trust them, at least those I don't know and respect personally, less than the rest because they are, it seems to me, spreading or at least not stemming these problems as I see them. I know, I have to take responsibility, and I'm trying, but this is about being honest right? Sp then I think about how I don't need it if I can be strong enough on my own, after all, that's what I've always thought chanting did anyway. Shouldn't I be able to stubborn myself through this?

And this leads to a whole new problem in my head. I am beginning to think that I am just selfish and cold-hearted. The things I think make sense to me in a practical way, but they come from the perspective that I am the most important person. And isn't that part of it? I really do think that we need to have our own best interests in heart. There comes a time when sacrifice helps, but a lot of the sacrifice I see around me will change almost nothing or could be severly lessoned. And I see selfishness in other people who force some to sacrifice things. Which sounds a little hypocritical, but bear with me. If we do our best for ourselves and those we are directly responsible for, we can expect and hope that others would do the same as well. If this is done without malice or anything other interest than pure survival, it wouldn't be about stepping on the little guy to get ahead. At one time in history, it may have been, and I don't know what I would say then, but now we can all live, and we must all live, in harmony with each other. We have the resources and technology to live relatively comfortable. We just couldn't use the standards that society has now, and we would have to be satisfied when we were comfortable instead of always wanting more.

Rant for the night. Looking back, it seems like I'm spiraling. Also from a lifetime of learning: it don't stop till you hit the ground. Either that, or they don't get invited to give experiences. Exactly two weeks from now I will be lost in the confusion of customs with no student visa.