I feel like I'm floating through life right now. Time is moving really fast right now, adding this movie like quality to life. When you look up and it's two weeks since the last time you looked up...it's a very interesting feeling. And then I'm reading Anna Karenina everyday and it sort of adds some surrealism to all of...whatever. I don't feel very connected to my life right now anyway, so going into someone else's doesn't do much for the whole realism thing. And also, no one is answering my emails about study abroad questions...making me very angry! And also seperating me from it...I may have to go on an email barrage campaign. But I hate that. I wish they would just answer me, I hate being pushy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just hanging onto the train of life with my fingernails until we get somewhere fun. And then at others, I read the blog and feel like I am way too melodramatic. So which is it?

Just trying to be a at calm but happy place. And I want to take you for granted? Um no. Actually, I'd like to not take people for granted.

Anyway, back to the reading a lot now...I kind of feel like it's bad for me. It takes me away from what's real, which is what people like, I guess. But I don't like it anymore. I feel like I'm not here anyway, so reading just takes me further away. Most of the time, when I just read a chapter, I'm okay. It's hard to get sucked in that fast. But when I read longer than that, when I can't stop, when I tell myself that this is the last chapter 10 times, I don't want to come back to SUA. I was to stay in Russia, or Switzerland, or Italy, or wherever they happen to be at the time. But reading is supposed to be good for you right? Getting new ideas and other points of view and all that jazz.

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. The JET program would be fun, but would it just be putting things off for another year, two years, three years, four years...five years. At the end of five years, I would be 26, almost 27... And still not sure what I would be doing for the rest of my life. They don't take you after you turn 40. So would that just be another way of dodging the question? It's still semiacceptable now, but what about then. Yeah it would be great to keep up my Japanese, but am I going to be a translator? Will Joyce help me?

Maybe if I actually figure out what's going on, I could feel better about my life. I'm still not part of it. I'm still a kid but one with impending adulthood on the horizon. I don't have a place in the world right now, but I'll need to make one very soon. Yeah great, but what does that mean? I have no idea about what that place might be. Darn you Soka! Look what you have done to me. "Let's offer her that broad Liberal Arts degree so she still can't really narrow down what she wants with her life!" "Sounds good to me!" "Let's do it, she'll never know." Sorry buddies, I'm onto your game. And it's working.