I really really need to take some time off. Continuing like this has no purpose and may even end up making things worse, say if I blow up and kill a million people. That probably wouldn't be such a good thing, even beyond the fact that I'd go to jail for a million and one years and not graduate on time. Am I sort of doing it now? I think in a way, and I have to decide how much is enough, 'cause complete unattachment is probably beside the point.

Soooo frustrating. Is it me or not? Of course I feel like it's not me and my special circumstances, which are...??? But it may be, probably is. But there is stagnation all around. I don't think it's all me, there is too much. Japan will be good, as long as I don't fall into an English clique party. That dumb Fogle. He keeps hanging around and saying things in my head. Everything I say just implodes and there was no point in me saying it at all. How to just listen? Possible for me? Do I have some sort of defect in which I have to have others know what I think? Quiet is good. Quiet is good! Quiet is GOOD! Not to miss out on anything...what is there to miss out on?

Being far away from here will be a good thing.

Cliques may be a bad thing, but having several can be an escape. Why aren't we open to all peoples? There is something fun about inside jokes. Belonging.

Why is it that my writing has gotten a lot less complicated in the space of one summer? Hmmm, I wonder if it was the summer that did it. Maybe it was the dumb, completely random essays for Life and Death.

Does she really think that about me? That really hurts. And it's annoying. I'd like to think that they can see past my external, but I don't think they can. Then why...?

Ahhhhhh, why am I such a wimp? So good to talk to someone with some distance whom I trust. But not too much distance. I'm so confused, and I don't want to be. I should either take part or not. Ditto. Repeat? I shouldn't just do what I want when I want and not when I don't. Why is this such a big deal right now? Yeah distance.