My car was frosty for the first time this morning. Oh the horror!
I should have seen it coming. The sniffly season has begun with relish and people are dropping like flies around me. It should really be called the season of the sanitary wipe.
24.10.08
20.10.08
2.10.08
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road andyou come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road andyou come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.
29.8.08
25.8.08
Answer me this: Why is budgeting so impossible for me? It's a simple concept, add up all your expenses and hopefully you have something left over at the end of the month. Arithmetic! I've been doing it since elementary school, right? Then how is it that my numbers never match up? I went on a mini spending spread at the beginning of this month and have been worried that I'll be behind, but I seem to have way too much money. But last month I swear I didn't spend very much extra and I barely came out even. Why can I count things that don't even exist, but I can't keep track of my own money?!?!
14.8.08
13.8.08
7.8.08
1.8.08
Dis-dress
I must have the weirdest body image ever. I have this dress that I like wearing because: 1) it's a one-piece, pull-it-over-my-head-and-I'm-dressed number that doesn't gape or fall apart; 2) it's suitable for work; and 3) it doesn't wrinkle. It's also red, which suits my desire to be dramatic. My problem with it seems to be that I get too many compliments on it. Every time I wear it to work (like today), my friend the receptionist comments on how good it looks on me, and I've gotten compliments from random strangers. Maybe I'm perverse, but it makes me look at myself in the mirror super critically. It's most likely something like, "this is the best I can do?" Not that I think I look bad in it...but why is it this dress when I think I look better in other clothes?
I blame Carson. Have you seen the show How to Look Good Naked? He basically takes women with major body issues and tries to help them overcome it. I've been watching the past season episodes and they just started the second season. Stupid thing has me thinking. Thinking is never a good thing.
31.7.08
He sits on my couch on his stupid computer using my table ALL DAY LONG. He was gone when I came home ONCE and I snagged MY couch to read on, but when I got up to grab a glass of water, I LOST MY FREAKING SPOT. Are we on a school bus?? And then I sit in my corner on my computer, download an interesting video, and he comes and watches it over my shoulder! Queen bees have it right, SIBLINGS SHOULD NOT BE SUFFERED TO LIVE!
27.7.08
I seem to have an issue with the grocery store. I hate to go! I was supposed to go yesterday, and then I was supposed to go this morning. Ann, you may have to come over and force me to go again.
However, not all shopping is hopeless. I bought some cute heels yesterday...while I should have been at the grocery store.
However, not all shopping is hopeless. I bought some cute heels yesterday...while I should have been at the grocery store.
20.7.08
11.7.08
Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen
June 9, 2008 Issue 44•24
HARTFORD, CT—The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of "grandiose behaviors," including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room "like a hussy, yelling 'Oh my God!' at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing."
The court ruled 5-2 in favor of the plaintiff in Carmichael v. State of Connecticut, a landmark case overturning a lower court's decision against homosexual Michael Carmichael's right to excessive theatrics. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Chase T. Rogers argued that "although the loud and emotionally over-the-top behaviors of Mr. Carmichael may be considered annoying by the community standards established by both his heterosexual and homosexual peers, the question of whether or not an individual is acting overly queeny is not a matter for the law to determine."
The ruling, which effectively affirms the right of all attention whores to make a complete spectacle of themselves, is already being contested by conservative groups and is expected to be appealed.
Carmichael, who also goes by the stage name "Lotta Menn," made a tearful, half-hour-long finger-snapping statement to the press following the historic decision.
"This is the most wonderful moment of my life, and I thank you all!" Carmichael said while wearing his trademark purple-sequined jacket, oversize Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, and short shorts. He then blew kisses at the assembled reporters, twirled for photographers, and lifted his arms several times above his head in the late-'80s "raise the roof" triumphant dance move. "I only hope I can recover from the living hell I've gone through these past four months—living hell! I am so serious, you guys!"
Flanked by his lawyers, Carmichael thanked his mother, quoted from Gloria Gaynor's anthem "I Will Survive," insulted several reporters' shoes, and called the members of the Connecticut Supreme Court his "bitches."
The legal battle for gay rights began in 1972, when a Manhattan court granted homosexual couples the right to stand next to each other in public places "as long as they don't make a big deal about it." In 1981, 1983, and 1986, similar rulings in Boston, Chicago, and San Francisco granted gays the right to attend movies, take walks, and tickle each other while cooking dinner together. Monday's ruling represents the first time that homosexuals' legal right to openly act "as gay as gay can possibly get" has been affirmed by the courts.
"Carmichael's is an extreme case, but the precedent is far-reaching," legal analyst Jameson Drury said. "This decision protects not only full-blown flamers, but all homosexuals, even those swish enough to let their hands flutter occasionally during a season finale of Project Runway."
Although some acquaintances of Carmichael's, including Matthew "Paris Swillton" Freiberg and Edward "Dame Ed" Anders, have called him shameless and claim the ruling will only make his head even bigger than it already is, others have dismissed these remarks as catty or jealous. Many more have applauded the decision, calling the high court's jurisprudence "way fierce."
"This is a major triumph—not unlike Divine's performance in Pink Flamingos, god bless her soul," said noted gay-culture commentator Mario Loyola. "The white gloves are off, and it's time for Miss Lotta to strut her stuff all the way to Washington if need be."
"After all, it's not like anyone is limiting heterosexuals' rights to, you know, just sit there in beige," he added.
Members of the Christian right, among others, have decried the decision as a dangerous step backward for moral standards in the judicial system.
"American family values are under siege," said T. Herbert Rosch of the American Family Values Coalition, which has protested the ruling. "If gays are granted state approval for prancing, what's next? Gallivanting?"
Civil rights organizations have reluctantly supported the decision, saying that the right of the individual to act like a flaming prima donna, however irritating it may be, is supported by the Constitution.
"Plain and simple, the state cannot decide which bombastic, drama-generating behavior is deemed patently offensive," said the American Civil Liberties Union's Tom Gregor, a member of the legal team who represented Carmichael. "Although, to be honest, I am personally going to think twice before taking on any more pro bono cases for someone as high-maintenance as Mr. Carmichael in the future. Talk about your vampy divas. As happy as we are to have won the case, the afterparty was a nightmare."
June 9, 2008 Issue 44•24
HARTFORD, CT—The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of "grandiose behaviors," including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room "like a hussy, yelling 'Oh my God!' at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing."
The court ruled 5-2 in favor of the plaintiff in Carmichael v. State of Connecticut, a landmark case overturning a lower court's decision against homosexual Michael Carmichael's right to excessive theatrics. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Chase T. Rogers argued that "although the loud and emotionally over-the-top behaviors of Mr. Carmichael may be considered annoying by the community standards established by both his heterosexual and homosexual peers, the question of whether or not an individual is acting overly queeny is not a matter for the law to determine."
The ruling, which effectively affirms the right of all attention whores to make a complete spectacle of themselves, is already being contested by conservative groups and is expected to be appealed.
Carmichael, who also goes by the stage name "Lotta Menn," made a tearful, half-hour-long finger-snapping statement to the press following the historic decision.
"This is the most wonderful moment of my life, and I thank you all!" Carmichael said while wearing his trademark purple-sequined jacket, oversize Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, and short shorts. He then blew kisses at the assembled reporters, twirled for photographers, and lifted his arms several times above his head in the late-'80s "raise the roof" triumphant dance move. "I only hope I can recover from the living hell I've gone through these past four months—living hell! I am so serious, you guys!"
Flanked by his lawyers, Carmichael thanked his mother, quoted from Gloria Gaynor's anthem "I Will Survive," insulted several reporters' shoes, and called the members of the Connecticut Supreme Court his "bitches."
The legal battle for gay rights began in 1972, when a Manhattan court granted homosexual couples the right to stand next to each other in public places "as long as they don't make a big deal about it." In 1981, 1983, and 1986, similar rulings in Boston, Chicago, and San Francisco granted gays the right to attend movies, take walks, and tickle each other while cooking dinner together. Monday's ruling represents the first time that homosexuals' legal right to openly act "as gay as gay can possibly get" has been affirmed by the courts.
"Carmichael's is an extreme case, but the precedent is far-reaching," legal analyst Jameson Drury said. "This decision protects not only full-blown flamers, but all homosexuals, even those swish enough to let their hands flutter occasionally during a season finale of Project Runway."
Although some acquaintances of Carmichael's, including Matthew "Paris Swillton" Freiberg and Edward "Dame Ed" Anders, have called him shameless and claim the ruling will only make his head even bigger than it already is, others have dismissed these remarks as catty or jealous. Many more have applauded the decision, calling the high court's jurisprudence "way fierce."
"This is a major triumph—not unlike Divine's performance in Pink Flamingos, god bless her soul," said noted gay-culture commentator Mario Loyola. "The white gloves are off, and it's time for Miss Lotta to strut her stuff all the way to Washington if need be."
"After all, it's not like anyone is limiting heterosexuals' rights to, you know, just sit there in beige," he added.
Members of the Christian right, among others, have decried the decision as a dangerous step backward for moral standards in the judicial system.
"American family values are under siege," said T. Herbert Rosch of the American Family Values Coalition, which has protested the ruling. "If gays are granted state approval for prancing, what's next? Gallivanting?"
Civil rights organizations have reluctantly supported the decision, saying that the right of the individual to act like a flaming prima donna, however irritating it may be, is supported by the Constitution.
"Plain and simple, the state cannot decide which bombastic, drama-generating behavior is deemed patently offensive," said the American Civil Liberties Union's Tom Gregor, a member of the legal team who represented Carmichael. "Although, to be honest, I am personally going to think twice before taking on any more pro bono cases for someone as high-maintenance as Mr. Carmichael in the future. Talk about your vampy divas. As happy as we are to have won the case, the afterparty was a nightmare."
5-Year-Old Wants To Be A Tractor When She Grows Up
July 11, 2008 Issue 44•28
AKRON, OH—In a statement delivered to friends, family members, and household pets, Kendall Garretson announced Monday that she would like to become an 13-ton, 275-horsepower John Deere row-crop tractor when she grows up.
Garretson, who turned 5 in May, developed an interest in becoming the powerful motor-driven vehicle during a recent trip to her grandfather's farm. According to sources, the young kindergarten student made her decision based on a number of key factors, including her desire to have "big wheels," make holes in the ground with "a digger," and chase birds and butterflies through fields of sunflowers.
"I'm gonna be a tractor," Garretson said. "Tractors are fun."
Although Garretson does not have a six-cylinder diesel engine, independent-link suspension, or a comfort command seat with air-suspension swivel, the 5-year-old said she was excited to be both red and shiny someday. Garretson added that as a tractor she would sleep in the barn with the cows and the chickens, but not with the pigs, because the pigs make too much of a mess.
"I'll drive around in the dirt, but I won't get stuck," Garretson said. "Because I'll spin my tires lots and lots."
Since making her intentions known, Garretson has set about preparing for her career as the hauling vehicle by talking about tractors, coloring in drawings of tractors, asking her parents where tractors come from, and walking around her house making "VROOOOM, VROOOOM" sounds.
In addition to performing her regular tractor duties, such as "mowing all the corn," Garretson said she plans to give rides to every one of her friends, even Brian Waldie, even though he is sometimes mean.
Although Garretson clearly stated her future goal of becoming a tractor, the unexpected announcement left a large number of adults feeling confused, with some assuming that the 5-year-old meant she wanted to be a farmer instead of a piece of agricultural equipment. In response to the off-base remarks, Garretson accused the adults of not paying attention, jumped up and down while shaking her head violently, and called everyone a "bunch of sillies."
"A tractor," Garretson continued. "Trrraaaaaccctooooor!"
Before settling on tractor, Garretson is said to have contemplated a variety of possible career paths, including a professional great white shark, a bouncy trampoline, "a doctor nurse just like Mommy," and the pink ballerina inside of her music box. Garretson went on to say that she would like to someday eat cookies for breakfast and be a mother to 17 infants, all of them girls.
When asked how she envisioned a typical workday as a tractor, the 5-year-old claimed it would begin with her mother waking her up early in the morning with a kiss. After driving into the farmhouse for breakfast, Garretson would rouse the horses, ducks, and flowers, and play with them until lunchtime. The rest of her schedule would reportedly consist of driving up and down the fields and skipping rope.
Despite having chosen tractor as a career, Garretson has shown little interest in soil cultivation or, at the very least, the hydraulic requirements for maintaining a properly functioning front-end loader. Instead, the 5-year-old has spent most of her time deciding which of her toys she will bring along to the farm.
"When I'm a tractor, I'm gonna pull a wagon, and then I'm gonna put all of my stuffed animals inside the wagon," Garretson said. "And my dollhouse. And a bunny. And maybe a Halloween pumpkin. But I won't let spiders on it unless they promise not to bite anyone."
During several other statements about her future, Garretson maintained that upon reaching adulthood she would cross the street by herself and marry the family's English bulldog, Rutherford. Garretson also stated that her cousin Madison could not come to her wedding if she kept chewing on her crayons.
Representatives from the John Deere Corporation told reporters that Garretson was a "promising candidate" for the company's annual $25,000 scholarship aimed at helping young people become tractors.
July 11, 2008 Issue 44•28
AKRON, OH—In a statement delivered to friends, family members, and household pets, Kendall Garretson announced Monday that she would like to become an 13-ton, 275-horsepower John Deere row-crop tractor when she grows up.
Garretson, who turned 5 in May, developed an interest in becoming the powerful motor-driven vehicle during a recent trip to her grandfather's farm. According to sources, the young kindergarten student made her decision based on a number of key factors, including her desire to have "big wheels," make holes in the ground with "a digger," and chase birds and butterflies through fields of sunflowers.
"I'm gonna be a tractor," Garretson said. "Tractors are fun."
Although Garretson does not have a six-cylinder diesel engine, independent-link suspension, or a comfort command seat with air-suspension swivel, the 5-year-old said she was excited to be both red and shiny someday. Garretson added that as a tractor she would sleep in the barn with the cows and the chickens, but not with the pigs, because the pigs make too much of a mess.
"I'll drive around in the dirt, but I won't get stuck," Garretson said. "Because I'll spin my tires lots and lots."
Since making her intentions known, Garretson has set about preparing for her career as the hauling vehicle by talking about tractors, coloring in drawings of tractors, asking her parents where tractors come from, and walking around her house making "VROOOOM, VROOOOM" sounds.
In addition to performing her regular tractor duties, such as "mowing all the corn," Garretson said she plans to give rides to every one of her friends, even Brian Waldie, even though he is sometimes mean.
Although Garretson clearly stated her future goal of becoming a tractor, the unexpected announcement left a large number of adults feeling confused, with some assuming that the 5-year-old meant she wanted to be a farmer instead of a piece of agricultural equipment. In response to the off-base remarks, Garretson accused the adults of not paying attention, jumped up and down while shaking her head violently, and called everyone a "bunch of sillies."
"A tractor," Garretson continued. "Trrraaaaaccctooooor!"
Before settling on tractor, Garretson is said to have contemplated a variety of possible career paths, including a professional great white shark, a bouncy trampoline, "a doctor nurse just like Mommy," and the pink ballerina inside of her music box. Garretson went on to say that she would like to someday eat cookies for breakfast and be a mother to 17 infants, all of them girls.
When asked how she envisioned a typical workday as a tractor, the 5-year-old claimed it would begin with her mother waking her up early in the morning with a kiss. After driving into the farmhouse for breakfast, Garretson would rouse the horses, ducks, and flowers, and play with them until lunchtime. The rest of her schedule would reportedly consist of driving up and down the fields and skipping rope.
Despite having chosen tractor as a career, Garretson has shown little interest in soil cultivation or, at the very least, the hydraulic requirements for maintaining a properly functioning front-end loader. Instead, the 5-year-old has spent most of her time deciding which of her toys she will bring along to the farm.
"When I'm a tractor, I'm gonna pull a wagon, and then I'm gonna put all of my stuffed animals inside the wagon," Garretson said. "And my dollhouse. And a bunny. And maybe a Halloween pumpkin. But I won't let spiders on it unless they promise not to bite anyone."
During several other statements about her future, Garretson maintained that upon reaching adulthood she would cross the street by herself and marry the family's English bulldog, Rutherford. Garretson also stated that her cousin Madison could not come to her wedding if she kept chewing on her crayons.
Representatives from the John Deere Corporation told reporters that Garretson was a "promising candidate" for the company's annual $25,000 scholarship aimed at helping young people become tractors.
3.7.08
This hasn't happened to me since middle school! I'd be at school, all happy as a clam can be when said clam is an 11 year old at school, and then I'd be changing for PE and realize, oops, not wearing a bra. I was wondering why I was feeling more, comfortable isn't the right word, maybe free. I'm definitely enjoying the texture of my clothing more today. At least I'm wearing a camisole.
30.6.08
29.6.08
Never underestimate the importance of good speeches at a graduation. The dean at my brothers school quoted Dr. Seuss and the Navy dude rambled on about life-long learning. I suppose it's asking for the moon to expect tech students to have grammatical and speaking skills, but at least use proper grammer when you are thanking a teacher for correcting your grammer. Fortunately for my sanity, there were only 12 people graduating, so it went pretty quick. Then I just had to deal with the brother's geek-aspiring friends ogling me. And really, that had to be the saddest indicator of the whole event.
18.6.08
Question
How does the desert miss the rain? Is it a yearning, waiting game, like everything is dead and dormant until the rain comes? Or is it more of a good riddance, who needs you anyway, I've got my own way of doing things and it doesn't include you? Or is it it's nice when you're here, but I'm okay on my own too? (Bahamas)
