I found a grad program that is both interesting and in the same city that I work in!

Happy December. NOT.

For some reason I feel like even more of a slacker every time we change months. It means that I've let another one go by without accomplishing anything much. I think I did okay in November, but I suppose I'm looking for a huge leap instead of small baby steps.

I had a snow day today. It's not as much fun when you lose something from it, in this case MONEY. But I walked to the bank and opened an IRA, which was kinda fun. I've been putting it off for a while, but I thought I might as well today. So I did.

That was about all I did today of value. But it was a good day anyway.

Ick, I joined MySpace.

I went to *gasp* as SGI meeting this last weekend. There was a visiting leader who used to know my parents. I kinda recognized him and I definitely recognized his name. He told me that every time he sees me *and how often is that?* I look more and more like my mother. I was speechless, which is not a common adjective to describe me. I couldn't even come up with something polite and innocuous. Why would he think I would want to hear that? Should that make me feel good? It was really weird and I just kind of stood there until they brought out dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and we could comment on those.

I am officially a hypocrite. I got offered a regular position at work (surprise surprise, but hey, coulda been that they didn't like me or something). And remember how I said I might turn it down? Well, I'm not gonna. Yes, that's right, I sold my own self out for money. Making the transition ups my salary by $2/hour. That's a leap I like. And alas, have not fallen upon my dream job while thinking wistfully of my future.

I had a sort of epiphany. It's pathetic when someone is only doing their job because they can't think of anything else to do. I know, I know, the pot and the kettle and all that. It's especially pathetic when they look down on their own job. I don't want to be like that forever. The hamster is running fast in the hopes that the brain will be able to come up with a reason I'm not as pathetic as the epiphany-inspirer.

It's already November, and I'm scared that the next time I poke my head out of the sand, 23 more years will have passed. Time is dumb. When I take over the world, I'm going to suspend all time. Oh wait, I got demoted to Duchess, I forgot. Can a duchess suspend time? I'll just have to redefine the position.

I'm having trouble following through on my goals. But. Lately, I've been spending more time thinking that I should be doing something. It really cuts into the pleasures of vegging. Maybe one day something will happen.

Yesterday it took me forever to get to work, but at least I got there. Today I can't even get out of town!

It took me an hour and 20 minutes to get to work today. And an hour and 30 to get home. And then, when I did, it turns out the water supply in my city has been contaminated by the flooding! But if we take the House and the Senate, it will be worth it.

I called in sick to work today. I'm bad, but work is so boring! I had a whole conversation online with Rumiko the other day. And it wasn't me who had to sign off.

I'm spending today trying to figure out what to do. I'm still not a permanent employee yet, and I'm thinking that I may go a different way when it comes time for the permanence (if they want me that is). But I also can't think of what else I'd do or where else I'd go, so I'll probably stay.

I realized/admitted to myself today that I hate to read anything I've written. I can't decide whether it's because I recognize that I'm no good or just that I have a weird phobia.

But, as we discussed several times in Japan, there is such a thing as too much self-reflection.

I'm bored with my life. If this is how it's going to be for the next 60-70 years, I don't see the point. Life is supposed to be made up of the mundane, and we are supposed to find happiness in the little moments, because no way can we sustain that highs that most people seem to expect from life. But lately, okay for a while, that hasn't been happening. I don't even answer the phone anymore, because it's too much trouble. I have ideas that make me happy, but they also depress me because I know they most likely won't happen. And somehow, I can't seem to motivate myself out of the funk. Recognizing it has not gotten me much closer to defeating it. Maybe it only works for alcoholics. At least if I was an alcoholic, there would be a support group. Maybe I should join the club. Yeah right, I don't even have the energy to do something self-destructive.

I'm getting old. I listen to NPR on the way to work instead of music.

My Labor Day weekend was totally horrid! I went out for breakfast on Sunday morning, got horrible service, didn't enjoy the omelet, got charged an arm and a leg for it, and spent the rest of the day nauseous. Spent Monday on my back in bed with the worst headache I've had IN MY LIFE (and I don't think I'm exaggerating on that one), Tuesday mostly in bed. I went to work for about half the day today. I'm not throwing my anymore, but my stomach hurts like the dickens and I don't know why. But I'm too afraid to go see a doctor about it.

I WANT MY 3-DAY WEEKEND BACK!!

And it's my last week at work, so I have to, have to, get through the whole day tomorrow and Friday with something like productivity.

Happy Birthday to me and Cassie. Another year older and wiser.

Yesterday was the worst day of work ever!! Okay, probably not, but I had a pounding headache, I didn't eat anything for lunch, the owner sent everyone but me and two new girls home early, and then my boss was trying to joke with me! I was feeling guiltly about leaving, but yesterday pretty much finished that up for me.

My dad told me that his headhunter often places people in this company called Corbis. I think it's owned by Microsoft or the same people? Anyway, apparently they make bank, but they also work crazy hours to do so. He told me that if this next job doesn't work out, he'll talk to this lady about placing me there. Then I could work crazy hours for a year or two, pay off my loans real quick, and emerge a butterfly. Okay, maybe I made that up about the butterfly, but why couldn't he have told me about his nice headhunter BEFORE I found myself a job?

I had this crazy dream that reminded me of a Patricia McKillip book. I'm thinking of trying to write a story around it. And has anyone heard of The Buzz Ballads CDs. My coworker got them and burned them for me. They are the COOLEST set of compilation CDs EVER!

Yesterday, my boss, who has been pretty much ignoring me, called me in to have another "what are we going to do with Jessica talk." He blah blah-ed at me for a while, but he actually said a couple of interesting things about me while he was expounding on his vast knowledge of the entity known to the world as Jessica. He said that the reason I'm not happy is that 1)I'm an artist and 2)I need things to be static and I'm afraid of dynamism. That first one kinda distracted me with the thought that "hey if he sees me as artistic, maybe I am" but then I realized that he could just figure because he knows I like to write. But then I came around to the second point and I'm wondering. I know that I always say that I don't like change, but I never really believed it. Now I'm wondering. Part of the problem at work stems from other things, but maybe I really don't like change after all. It's gotten me to thinking anyway.

Not that it really matters anyway. They FINALLY called me back and I start the new job on the 11th. I don't remember if I mentioned it, but the liaison between us kept calling me and telling me that the chick wanted to hire me, but she was just waiting for approval from higher up. Well, she finally got the word, so here I am. And they also hired the person who will be replacing me today, she starts Friday, so I'll have two full weeks with her.

Switching gears. I took my cousin and her friend to a concert last night (on a work night, aren't I a great cousin) and I started to wonder if it's possible to be slightly bipolar. The headliners were Bowling for Soup (the people who did 1985) and the other bands were pretty similar, so it was good, but not great music. So anyway, I was pretty quiet during the whole thing and I got to thinking that I have only two setting on my volume control, mute and really loud. And I'm kinda like that everywhere else as well. I'm either bubbly or mopey. But I don't get suicidal (which is a good thing) and I don't think I get maniacally happy (except for every once in a while). So, is it possible to be slightly bipolar and can I take pills for that? I think that my mopey stages last too long and are getting in the way of my life.

Ah ha!

Today we learned how to fit our new line of diabetic shoes. Sound exciting doesn't it!! I played guinea pig and it turns out that I should be wearing a size 7 or 7 1/2 shoe. Is that insane? The other people who got fit were wearing the right size, it was only me. And I was thinking that I must just have wide feet, but they aren't all that wide. A "B" or "C" tops. So that is my world shaking event of the day.

I'm thinking I may have to buy some diabetic shoes though. They look sooo comfortable, and they are made so that they won't irritate your feet in any way. They cost quite a bit, but you can also get inserts that are molded to your feet!

I went on an interview last Friday, and things look pretty good. The lady said it was an "excellent interview" and that she'd get back to me early this week...but I was told that they are a little slow sometimes, so I'm not worried yet. Better pay, better benefits, a company that is not failing...what is there not to like? Eh, longer commute, but not too bad.

The one co-worker I will miss is kinda weirded out by me leaving, which makes me feel good, but I'll worry about her if (when, WHEN!!) I go. I think I'm the only person she really talks to about everything that freaks her out at work, most of the other people are slightly brainwashed, and if they aren't brainwashed, they are earmarked to be fired. That's where all my hesitation comes from - I hate to leave her with all the crazies, but she has a husband who is willing to support her if she quits, so I don't feel too bad. This week (all two days of it so far) has been pretty hard, so I am seriously ready to leave.

I have a job interview tomorrow morning. And surprise surprise, I'm conflicted about it. My bosses are starting to depend on me more and more, but they are firing people right and left. They hired someone last Thursday, then they fired two people Friday (supposedly for financial reasons), then they fired the person with the most seniority on Wednesday. Supposedly, these were layoffs, but they didn't start at the bottom of the totem pole, or else I would be gone. And now you understand why they are depending on me more and more.

On a side note, I think my arch-nemesis knows how to use the internet and is mad at me for writing about him. He wasn't in his accustomed spot when I came home this evening.

My arch-nemesis is a poofy black cat who sits in the parking lot right where I swing out to pull into my parking spot. I don't know his name, but I glare at him and he gazes back at me unimpressed. And I've been parking crookedly for weeks.

Once again I have to say that Hillary Clinton is cool. Not necessarily for her politics, I don't know that much about them and they are not relevant in this post. She is cool because she will tell Rumsfeld that he is incompetent and then she will tell an entire anti-war rally that she doesn't think a set date for troop withdrawal is smart. In short, though politicians have to pander to their constitutents, she tells them what she thinks even if it's not what they want to hear. We need someone who will tell us what they think so we know what they will do, instead of them telling us what we want to hear and then doing what they want anyway.