Happy Friday. My boss told one of my co-workers that he likes me, but he doesn't think the company has a place for me. He says I belong in school, that that's where my heart lies and that he thinks it would be good if I just worked part time and went to school.

The same co-worker agrees that I just need to find a husband who will support me so I don't have to work full-time.

I'm so ready to leave my job! Today wasn't even a bad day, it was mildly successful. No one got particularly mad at me, except for one lady who figured out that she was the one who made the mistake. I got most of my little things taken care of. And most importantly, I didn't mess up anything - that I know of. Unfortunately, I spend all my time anticipating that next angry customer so much that I wince when someone walks in the door. Or something stupid happens with a product that we carry or a policy that comes down from on high, and I figure that nothing is ever going to change. Or my boss is going to expect something out of me that I just don't want to do.

I've figured it out. It's not my job that I don't like, it's the company. I am embarrassed to work for such a messed up company. I've been here 8 months, and it's not any better. I actually see the problems more clearly, but no one will listen to me who has the power to change it. I think the only way I would stay is if my boss sold the place. Maybe. It's also just an inherently messed up business model.

I used my nicer boss as a job reference, but I didn't tell her. Do you think that's going to be a problem?

I really really want the PR people to call. And if I were them, I would call me. The only requirement that I don't have is the PR degree. But it said elsewhere, PR, communications, journalism, or similar. With Humanities and The Pearl, I've got to be covered right? But I'm always nervous when I send out a resume. I feel so inadequate. What if they look at my address and figure I'm a waste of time because I live so far away. It is a little worrisome to think about that commute, but I could handle if for a while I think.

I got an email confirming that they received my resume, but that wasn't until 2:30 this afternoon. How long are they going to take? Hopefully enough time for me to finish getting my teeth done.

Sorry for the whining, but it makes me feel better. I don't really have anyone that I can whine about this stuff to. Some of the people I might whine to are right in the middle of it, i.e. coworkers (and that just doesn't feel right), and then everyone else is having extreme selfish-time - everyone wants to talk about they're own problems and they don't have time for anyone else's (I'm not leaving myself out of that group, just saying that it's happening to everyone all at once).

I just got back from "the girl trip" with most of my female family members. I just have a couple things to tell you all.

Louis and Clark got stuck on the beach for six days just before they made it to the Pacific Ocean. That spot is now called Dismal Niche. Cool huh?

We were playing a bunch of 70's songs on the way down. Have you ever heard the song that goes "I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you've got a brand new key..." My aunts were all laughing at the double entendres going on. Something about "going around the world." I thought I was pretty up on the dirty talk, but I'm lost on this one. The key thing is obvious, but what the heck do the rollerskates mean? Maybe it's better that I don't know.

Moving on, I found the perfect job for me. It's the PR assistant for the Seattle Symphony. Unfortunately, I'd have to move MUCH closer to Seattle, with about 6 months to go on my lease, but I'm applying tomorrow anyway.

I've had a revelation. Why is it that there has to be something, some career that I want to do? Can't it just be that I'm lazy and there's not going to be anything that makes me happy? Yup, that's my destiny. Except for becoming a platypus of course.

I was carrying my computer and thinking *something something,* "hey, I should definitely blog that." When I had the computer hooked up to the internet again, I had completely forgotten. I'll have to find something else to tell the people who come to read about the car wreck that is my life. Or maybe it's the car that's still sitting in the garage because I can't manage to hit the switch to open the door so I can get to the point of impact that will create the car wreck.

I had today off because I'm working Saturday. They told me yesterday. I'm getting tired of getting mixed messages. One minute, the boss is all worried about me and wants me to be happy, the next I'm being tossed around at the last minute because...I have no idea. We had everything all worked out, but... yeah.

On Tuesday we are going on our annual girl trip. My three aunts, my cousin, and I are going...down to the Oregon coast??? I think. I just get in the car and end up wherever we end up.

Ellie and I bought plane tickets for Japan. Somehow the tickets for October are more expensive than the ones for August were. At least we finally bought them. And they're non-refundable, so we have to go.

I went to Bellevue to buy sunglasses this weekend. I haven't seen the sun since.

My boss somehow got wind that I was ready to quit, and now he keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't want to lose me because I'm "adorable." I don't know if I can put that on a resume. But anywho, he basically asked me to design my job description, since he can't figure out what I'll do if we can manage to find someone else to take over the parts I don't like...

Sleepy sleepy, always sleepy

I need to try harder, try everything harder.

I'm so lost I don't know where to start.

I was in meetings today for hours while my boss tried to convince me that I need to be more critical when evaluating employee performance. And trying to convince me that we all need to take more personal responsibility for the reason the company's as messed up as it is. I think if he would just leave, we'd get a lot more done. At least he asked me what would make me happy at work.

My coworker gave her two-week notice today. Sigh, I suppose that means I won't be quitting anytime soon.

When does a tough situation go from a growth opportunity to a bad situation?

I'm having doubts as to what I can offer the world. Yeah I'm good at stuff other people can do, but I really want to differentiate myself somehow. I don't know if I can settle for anything less. I'm losing faith that I can?

I TRIED to tell my boss today that I want to quit, but she never got back to me.

AHH, I'm wavering on quitting the job!!!!! I'm STUPID STUPID STUPID. Today was a good day, but tomorrow probably won't be. Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it? But I am going to have a talk with my boss tomorrow (hopefully...if I can get her on the phone while I have a couple minutes to breathe).

p.s. I need to get a different dentist.

Two Mondays ago my boss calls me at work about 8:45 and tells me that he fired one of the girls who worked in Woodinville store and for me to go down to work there. And I've been down ever since. Last Monday, I gave up on the company and started searching for new job opportunities. I'm still trying to get up the nerve to tell my boss that I'm looking for another job.

My dilemma is that I don't want to get into another bad job situation, but I've been tempted almost every day to give my two weeks and use my savings while I look for another job.

My dad came over today because my brother picked up a virus (or 12). Garth didn't even realize it was Father's Day, aren't we a loving family. The weird thing is that I actually wanted to hang out with him (my dad). He didn't stay long, he played with the computer for a bit and we joined a bunch of cousins at my grandparent's house, but he had to go take his girlfriend plant hunting. Also weirdly, I wasn't too annoyed that he wanted to go hang out with his girlfriend except that I kinda wanted to talk to him.

What's your 4400 ability? the4400.com

Jessica you are a MIND CONTROL MASTER

There's nothing you like more than getting your way, and you're not opposed to cutting corners or stepping on toes to make it happen. And you're in luck - your abduction by-product would be the popular 4400 power of mind control! Think of all the time and breath you'll save by condensing your complex mind games into a split-second. Now you'll have time to work on being a little less calculating and a little more genuine. Just a thought.

Someone! Tell me where and when and how I should go back to school!

I went to Princeton Review to see if they could help...in any way. Instead, I read the seven (seven?) questions you're supposed to ask yourself before you go to grad school. The scariest one is something like "what job prospects are there for after school?" Ah man!

It only seems to have taken me three days of inept online research to find the perfect grad school for me. So why am I so leary of it?

Some background on the decisions I've made about grad school:

1. Not only have I decided to go to grad school, but I fugure I'll need at least two M.A.s, if not more. I'm looking at one in the Communications area (writing being all about creative writing, and that's not what I'm looking for) and one in the political arena (international relations/studies, politics, American Government...etc)

Backing up again for some who may not have heard:

• I decided that my dream job is to be like Rush Limbaugh (except for the politics and that people could probably spell MY name on the first try).
• I want to talk the talk without having to walk the walk. That shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me!

Fowarding again:

1. (Can't make the thing do 2) The best one before this current good one is George Washington University with a Masters of Media and Public Affairs, which I think is almost perfect with just the one M.A., but then I'm thinking, "oh no, then the second M.A. will be redundant."
2. (Do you see how I make a decision and then am affraid to change it?)
3. GWU would also be cool because it's right next to D.C. and it says that their students work in the capital a lot.
4. But then I'm thinking, if I'm going to be a rational Rush, I had better know what I'm talking about, so studying the "interactions among media, politics, economics, and human development" isn't really good enough.
5. Back to the two M.A.s
6. (Have you got the sense that I haven't even begun to look into the funding of this new little adventure?)
7. Then I find the NYU School of Journalism with their Cultural Reporting and Criticism Department.
8. Sounds really good. Not hard facts journalism, but biased, opinionated journalism. Doesn't that sound like the ticket.
9. Only now I'm waffling and am a bit intimidated.
10. Should the writing part come before or after the content part (meaning the political study)
11. GWU is really in a good spot for learning about politics.
12. And you have to submit a bijillion writing samples, which I probably should have thought of.
13. And I probably shouldn't set my heart on one program anyway right?
14. And it's in New York City for crying out loud! I don't even like going into SEATTLE.

So someone tell me. I seem to have found that it's going to be easier to find a communications school than a politiky one (not that I haven't found interesting ones), so should I wait until I'm finishing up the first one before I do research on the second, just in case I change my mind somewhere in there?

Update on the politiky part

• Interesting Program #1: University of Chicago, Center for International Relations. Sounded interesting to me, they say they are one of the oldest International Relations schools in the country, and it's only for one year.
• Interesting Program #2: University of Warwick, Politics and International Studies (located in Britain somewhere). Be kind of cool to study politics from another perspective, but I think that, if I somehow managed to become known, it would be a detriment to have studied outside the country.
• Interesting Program #3: Seton Hall University, Diplomacy and International Relations. Diplomacy is a good thing, it involves knowing both sides, something I am an advocate of. But who the heck has ever heard of Seton Hall before, and where is it?

Okay, I'm done. Sorry to go on for so long, but now that I have actually taken the fork in the road, I'm all confused. But I think it's a good confused. At least it gives me a goal, and I found that I can be more positive at work, focusing on what I can contribute in the (mostly likely) year before I leave for grad school, wherever that may be.

I know I already blogged today, but I have to share. I'm looking up grad schools, trying to figure out what to do, what to do. I found a Master's of Humanities at Salve Regina University in Rhode Island, and you can go straight on to a Ph.D. Basically it's a Master's of Core I with the option of a Ph.D. in Core I. This is the description of the Master's:

The Master of Arts in Humanities is an interdisciplinary program that seeks to foster a broad understanding of the qualitative aspects of life and culture through a study of disciplines such as history, literature, philosophy and religion. The course of study is intended for individuals who want to broaden their intellectual and cultural horizons. It also serves as excellent preparation for the Ph.D. degree in the Humanities.

And here is the Ph.D.:

The doctoral program in humanities provides an interdisciplinary investigation of the question “What does it mean to be human in an age of advanced technology?” In one form or another, this question commands attention as we enter the twenty-first century, and find ourselves continually challenged by technological change. This crucial question is addressed from a humanistic perspective: the fields of art, ethics, literature, management, philosophy and religion direct our investigation of advanced technology's implications on individuals and society.

I am actually and offically blogging from my own apartment. Yes, that's right, now it may actually be possible to contact me.

And let's also make it official that Jessica has decided to go to graduate school. I realized today that it was exactly a year after graduation, weird. Where and for what exactly, the research has yet to be done for, but something involving the written word. Rest assured, you will be kept abreast of all decisions.