So...I was supposed to start this thing up again now that summer is here. Yeah, so? Don't look at me like that!

Here I am, I just passed the week mark, and I haven't started yet. And do I feel like starting? Not particularly. And has anything happened? Ditto. Yup, life is...you fill in the blank.

Gotta jet.

(Well, not really, but I don't feel like doing anything more...)

(Maybe I'll go write in the one that no one gets to see. Ha, how do you like that?)

Ahh, what happened? Where'd I go? I'll get back to you on that. Don't you hate when the computer eats it? That's what I get for being away for so long. Okay...concentrate, don't push the wrong button!

Ahhhh, don't think I'm neglecting you!! It's just the finals.

I wonder why I don't want to study. Well, I know why I don't want to study, but why don't I just? Not a good time to loss all of my self control. Study darn you!

Introspecting is so weird. Is it useful?? Or is it just depressing? I see how it is possible for someone to just withdraw into themselves and never come out to see the sun. A lot of times it seems like the smart choice. It's either that or overcoming my fear of confrontation. Funny, in my head I fight well, I always have a comeback and they don't. I've built it up so that I can't do it in real life.

So what's going to happen afterward when we all go off into our corners of the world. I didn't think there could be so many corners, but each of us has our own, and that's more than four corners. Corners can never come together. Is that when I will become even more withdrawn than I think I am now? I just want to sit in a pretty place and be noticed by the people that I want, but I want everyone else to ignore me. When people get into groups, it gets, scary and I don't like it.

There are too many people in the world for my taste. I get so frustrated, but I can't do anything about it. Will it ever get better? The population is growing at an unprecedented rate.

What is to become of me? What do I want to become of me? Won't you decide for me? Then I can blame you if something goes wrong.

I want to wear pretty clothes in a pretty place and only have pretty and happy thoughts, is that so much to ask. And yes, I still am that greedy, I am a product of my society. I have been socialized, and someone the media or whoever, did a pretty good job.

But I'm not a perfect nameless, that's where they went wrong. It would be easier to be a perfect nameless.

So, this whole schism thingy...so bad! But do I want to stop it?? Sometimes I don't even say "hi" to them. And I agree with Koichi most of the time. What is the Soka world coming to? What if I can't stand the third class either??? It can't continue like this, each class living in its own little world.

Eeeek, cleaned the bathroom when I should have been studying for some test or other. Gonna die, gonna die. I need good grades. I have been so worried about what grades I'm going to get. That's so bad, I should be worrying about whether the class was worth it and what I'm going to be taking next term, not to mention what I'm going to be doing with the rest of my life. But no, I'm worried about what grades I'm going to get. But does that motivate me to study?? Almost.

Swimming and Bio are over...why doesn't it feel like it? Those were some good cookies! Yummy, Yumi??? Mango...mmmmm! A week and a half, and then it's all over!! But they are going to be one tough week and a half!

Wednesday: Hump Day. What's the Hump Day Quiz Question. What is the motto of the US? Hmm, must run, gotta win the prize.
What else do we do on Hump Day? Look forward to the descent of the week. Almost the weekend. But that means it's almost Monday again. But Monday was only two days ago. Well, life is a circle, we eat and then we feed, that is the meaning of life, all this other stuff is just frills. Homework, turn it in, get more, or even better, homework, more homework, turn some in, get some more, turn in nothing.
Ack, heart attack. Would be a nice change of pace wouldn't it. Dying doesn't hurt, just those around you hurt. Selfish beings that we are. If death hurts, then why do we cause it so much. Who thinks about that cow's poor mother greiving, oh well, the mom cow probably got ground up last week.

I find myself in that same darned world again, where everything is as I see it.
The colors are a little different, but the shapes are the same, it is as I never left.
It's not about me at all, just my reactions, but it is me and only me.
I hate this place.
I want to dream so I can pretent it doesn't exist.
I hate finals.
It does exist, it is where I am, I can't hide.

Today is December 6th, and there is not a cloud in the sky. Yesterday we estimated the temperature to be in the upper 60s or lower 70s. What is wrong with this picture. Anybody? Yes, sir, you in the yellow jacket. By the way, where in the heck did you find a yellow jacket, aren't those a little conspicuous?? Just think, they've been used to portray people as suspicious and such, remember Tuck Everlasting? I think you should think about those things the next time you are out shopping.

Already off the a bad start, paper is due on Tuesday and I'm nowhere near completion. Why is this so hard? It's not. I should read some more I guess, but that's all I've been doing, how am I supposed to write when all I do is read. As long as I make a case for myself, it doesn't matter what I write about. It's not like it's an exact science or anything. Argh. Great, now I sound like a cat.

Never going to be able to play tennis again...

Going to sing today.

I hate the way my profile looks. I hate looking at myself from the side. It's so weird and not at all atractive. The look on my face is so sullen, and there is too much roundness of everything. Is that natural?? I don't know. Do I look normal from the side, or am I the only one who looks like an alien? So many questions! Person body image is such a horrible thing in a society driven by the media. Of course all the people in the media and movies and such are perfect. Even the fact that we call them perfect is such a horirble thing. They are not perfect, most of them don't eat anything to maintain that low percentage of body fat. Before television, they would have been considered the freaks, because that is what they are, they are freaks of natural, and now that is what all women, and men, aspire to. It's just wrong.

Never watching tv again.

If I was born 100 years ago, I would have died at age seven, if not sooner.

I have nothing to say.

Ohhh, I had a scary scary dream last night with bugs that wouldn't go away!! Sheldon had the Plague, which appeared to be bugs crawling all over you in my dream, and he kept insisting that it wasn't contageous, so he was giving us bread for some reason. And then the entire house, because we were all in a house, was infested with the Plague bugs, which looked pretty much like fleas except that they didn't jump, thank goodness! And every time you touched something, they would get on you, and sometimes they would bite you. And the people who were infested wouldn't stop walking around and touching things, Cassie. Ohh, it was an ichy dream!

Well, Ken is just to have to accept our rough draft, if not, ummmm.

I still feel like I have bugs crawling on me

So sleepy. Knocked my alarm onto the floor again.

Sociology better be easy today.

Music is evil.

The reprieve is over, back to the drawing board. I'm not quite sure why we feel like the weekend is a break, I tend to do more homework on the weekend than I do in real, weekly life! The time consuming part of the week is the actual classes themselves, not the homework...maybe. I'm probably baised because of my stupid schedule. Oh my gosh this week is going to suck. I must do much homework!!! And I actually have to do it. Plus all the practicing that is going on because someone made the concert too soon. It's just not realistic. No, schoolwork comes first, and I don't consider music schoolwork. What am I going to do??? Not go to sleep at 10 anymore, that's what. Must find VCR.

Tummy hurts.

Don't want to get dressed.

Happy new room!

Procrastination good.

Want a house to decorate.

Never need a pronoun again!!!!

Hehe, I changed my room around! Well, I directed the changing of my room around. Boys are much stronger than girls and you have to use each person's strength to the best advantage of the whole. Therefore, I used my directing skills and they used their muscles. Not quite done yet, but can see the finish line!! Interesting. Now just gotta get people to come over and see it, well, when it finally is done.

Now I have to focus on homework today. How are we supposed to submit a rough draft when Sammi can't work today?? How the heck to you submit a rough draft of a movie anyway. I've been focusing on the big homework this weekend, I also forgot about the littler stuff, like Japanese homework. Well, isn't that what Monday mornings are for?? Am I going to have to start making lists again? They take up so much paper!! Well, I guess, not when you're using a 3 by 3 inch square, but still, it's the principle!!

I hate the internet, some people say you can find anything, but I haven't been able to find anything that I've been looking for. One of them is even legal!! I think it was invented to throw people like me off the deep end! How did people do reports before there was the internet?

Where the heck am I going to put all the posters?

Brighten my day!

What is my problem with authority? There are times when I am perfectly happy with someone who is telling me what is what or what to do or where to go; then there are other times when I can't stand a person telling me anything, let alone something that will have some sort of bearing to the future. What is the difference between these two types of people in my head? I think it comes from my own perceptions of them. If I think that they are capable people who know more than I, or course I will listen to them. But if I think that they are on the same level as me, or heaven forbid below me, I feel like they are hypocritical telling me what to do or giving me advice. That's why presentation is so important for a person like me. It's not even really about the way they dress, maybe sometimes, but I'm doubtful. I think it has more to do with the way they speak. I am thinking of one person in particular here. I don't know, maybe I am just a snob.

Hmmm, let's try not to piss anyone off today.

I now officially give permission for people and companies to start celebrating Christmas. You cannot start before Thanksgiving like so many did, or, even worse, before Halloween like a couple did. Don't these people know what is going on? It's called the Holiday Season; it's not the Christmas Season, each holiday has it's own worth. It seems like people just tolerate these other holidays so that they can get to the real one, when they can consume to their heart's delight, indeed, when they might be called a Scrooge for not spending all their money on frivolous items. What kind of holiday is this? An American one, that's what kind.

Proud to be American

Thanksgiving on the other hand is just kind of odd. We give thanks by spending all day cooking and then stuffing ourselves with what we made. Unless you're a man, then you spend all day watching television while the women cook, and then you stuff yourselves.

hunger

...

No more consuming for me! Except for the table and the barstool that I don't need. They were cheap. Does it count if they were cheap?? At least I didn't buy any of the $100 and up-ers that were cute and just begging to be bought. But then, if I bought everything in that store that I liked, I would 1) be broke and in debt, and 2) have nowhere to put any of it!! Maybe it doesn't matter if they are cheap, managed to not buy the 2.99 item, but that one was really mess-ed up!

Tomorrow is the big day, the day that has all turkeys shaking in their boots. That's right...Thursday. Today is the day that I'm leaving on a car-plane, but I know when I'll be back again. Saying goodbye isn't all that hard. Noone to kiss, that's for sure... I think I must be screwing up the order, but that's okay. Just don't shoot me!! Pay attention to whether the gun has bullets in it or not! That's a good girl.

Does singing mean happiness?? I sing all the time, but I don't necessarily think that I am happy. And remember, the slaves in the South used to sing out of misery according to Frederick Douglass. So therefore, why do we associate singing with happiness. People automatically think I'm happy if I'm singing. The only problem is that I don't differentiate the songs I sing when I'm happy and when I'm sad. But then, I don't think about whether I am happy or sad, I just sing because I feel like it or I have an evil song in my head that won't leave.

I guess I have to do some Japanese homework now. This must be homework weekend. Doing homework after 10 is just not working for me anymore.

Alice's Restaurant

I HAVE to end the agony! There is more to life than what is currently going on. Reading books may not seem like the world's greatest passtime, but when you can't, it seems like it! What to do, what to do??? Only 3 or 4 more weeks of the current agony, and then we can see if the next agony is any less painful, which I think it might be. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I need my time to myself that is not doing homework, or should be doing homework. The mornings are nice, but I should be, or think I should be, working during them, so that ruins it!

Shoes, and clothes, and furniture that I won't have anywhere to put next year, and stupid little things that I don't need (like hampers shaped after animals), and CDs, and appliances, and stuffed animals...lots of money. If only it weren't for money, I would be a happy, consuming, camper!

Negatives are cool. I don't not want nothing! Do you hear me!!! Even I, who made up the sentence, can't fully understand what I mean unless I count the negatives and move on from there. They really are the randomist thing ever to walk the Earth.

I am sick of music! I don't want to do it anymore! But if I don't sign up for the class, what am I going to do with my cello. Ahh, why do I own my own instrument. And it's not like I can get rid of it. Not that I don't want to play, on the contrary, I just don't want to play with certain people.

Three day weeks are silly. What can you get done in a three day week?? Not much, that's what you can get done! But hopefully it will allow me the opportunity to get some other stuff done. How the heck do you turn in a rough draft for a movie? Are we even doing a movie?? I hope we can use the equipment! What else do they use it for. We had better get cracking! I wonder when Madagascar is due. That would probably be a good thing to know.

Am I am worthwhile person? Is there any value to me? Or am I just another mouth to feed on this overpopulated planet? I like to think not, but there is that doubt sitting somewhere. I am just a consumer consuming things and making life harder for 5 billion other people. I guess. What's the point?

Today is a happy day. I get to play tennis hope it doesn't kill me head and I get to go home!! It's a great day, except to the fact that I have a Japanese kanji tesuto today, that part kinda sucks! I hope I do okay driving in Seattle, since I havn't driven since I've been there! There will certainly be lots of driving tomorrow, but I want to see people and do things!!

Wow, haven't eaten breakfast in a long time, my body is saying What the heck is this stuff? Hopefully I won't get bogged down, that would be a bad way to play tennis!

When I get back, I am definitely going to do some homework!!!! Lots of it! And productively too. It makes no sense to spend all day doing homework and then you got none of it done; you might as well just have played around the whole day, plus that's a lot more fun. Uh oh, I swear I just almost wrote "more funner" Lots of homework for Sociology and for AmEx. But maybe I'll focus on Sociology at first because I won't have Sam to work with.

Nothing at all interesting going on in my head.

So now they're going to let me publish huh? Well, we'll see about that!...right

It's getting to be crunch time. I still have some time so I'm not completely dying, but I had better hurry up!! If I would just start...but there is no nice little book to explain most of it to me, hopefully, I won't not be able to find anything! Don't you just love double negatives? Or triple negatives for that matter, though they're a little harder to wrap your head around when you use them. Sometimes the only time I can tell what is going on is by counting the negatives, but it still doesn't make sense the way some others do.

Hopefully this weekend will cure me of any evil "not want to do anythings." That would be nice. I think it's just the rate at which I don't do anything, other than homework. If I could just get out every once in a while I think it would be okay. But I don't, so it isn't.

I wonder if we're playing tennis tomorrow.