I'm so lost I don't know where to start.

I was in meetings today for hours while my boss tried to convince me that I need to be more critical when evaluating employee performance. And trying to convince me that we all need to take more personal responsibility for the reason the company's as messed up as it is. I think if he would just leave, we'd get a lot more done. At least he asked me what would make me happy at work.

My coworker gave her two-week notice today. Sigh, I suppose that means I won't be quitting anytime soon.

When does a tough situation go from a growth opportunity to a bad situation?

I'm having doubts as to what I can offer the world. Yeah I'm good at stuff other people can do, but I really want to differentiate myself somehow. I don't know if I can settle for anything less. I'm losing faith that I can?

I TRIED to tell my boss today that I want to quit, but she never got back to me.

AHH, I'm wavering on quitting the job!!!!! I'm STUPID STUPID STUPID. Today was a good day, but tomorrow probably won't be. Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it? But I am going to have a talk with my boss tomorrow (hopefully...if I can get her on the phone while I have a couple minutes to breathe).

p.s. I need to get a different dentist.

Two Mondays ago my boss calls me at work about 8:45 and tells me that he fired one of the girls who worked in Woodinville store and for me to go down to work there. And I've been down ever since. Last Monday, I gave up on the company and started searching for new job opportunities. I'm still trying to get up the nerve to tell my boss that I'm looking for another job.

My dilemma is that I don't want to get into another bad job situation, but I've been tempted almost every day to give my two weeks and use my savings while I look for another job.

My dad came over today because my brother picked up a virus (or 12). Garth didn't even realize it was Father's Day, aren't we a loving family. The weird thing is that I actually wanted to hang out with him (my dad). He didn't stay long, he played with the computer for a bit and we joined a bunch of cousins at my grandparent's house, but he had to go take his girlfriend plant hunting. Also weirdly, I wasn't too annoyed that he wanted to go hang out with his girlfriend except that I kinda wanted to talk to him.

What's your 4400 ability? the4400.com

Jessica you are a MIND CONTROL MASTER

There's nothing you like more than getting your way, and you're not opposed to cutting corners or stepping on toes to make it happen. And you're in luck - your abduction by-product would be the popular 4400 power of mind control! Think of all the time and breath you'll save by condensing your complex mind games into a split-second. Now you'll have time to work on being a little less calculating and a little more genuine. Just a thought.

Someone! Tell me where and when and how I should go back to school!

I went to Princeton Review to see if they could help...in any way. Instead, I read the seven (seven?) questions you're supposed to ask yourself before you go to grad school. The scariest one is something like "what job prospects are there for after school?" Ah man!

It only seems to have taken me three days of inept online research to find the perfect grad school for me. So why am I so leary of it?

Some background on the decisions I've made about grad school:

1. Not only have I decided to go to grad school, but I fugure I'll need at least two M.A.s, if not more. I'm looking at one in the Communications area (writing being all about creative writing, and that's not what I'm looking for) and one in the political arena (international relations/studies, politics, American Government...etc)

Backing up again for some who may not have heard:

• I decided that my dream job is to be like Rush Limbaugh (except for the politics and that people could probably spell MY name on the first try).
• I want to talk the talk without having to walk the walk. That shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me!

Fowarding again:

1. (Can't make the thing do 2) The best one before this current good one is George Washington University with a Masters of Media and Public Affairs, which I think is almost perfect with just the one M.A., but then I'm thinking, "oh no, then the second M.A. will be redundant."
2. (Do you see how I make a decision and then am affraid to change it?)
3. GWU would also be cool because it's right next to D.C. and it says that their students work in the capital a lot.
4. But then I'm thinking, if I'm going to be a rational Rush, I had better know what I'm talking about, so studying the "interactions among media, politics, economics, and human development" isn't really good enough.
5. Back to the two M.A.s
6. (Have you got the sense that I haven't even begun to look into the funding of this new little adventure?)
7. Then I find the NYU School of Journalism with their Cultural Reporting and Criticism Department.
8. Sounds really good. Not hard facts journalism, but biased, opinionated journalism. Doesn't that sound like the ticket.
9. Only now I'm waffling and am a bit intimidated.
10. Should the writing part come before or after the content part (meaning the political study)
11. GWU is really in a good spot for learning about politics.
12. And you have to submit a bijillion writing samples, which I probably should have thought of.
13. And I probably shouldn't set my heart on one program anyway right?
14. And it's in New York City for crying out loud! I don't even like going into SEATTLE.

So someone tell me. I seem to have found that it's going to be easier to find a communications school than a politiky one (not that I haven't found interesting ones), so should I wait until I'm finishing up the first one before I do research on the second, just in case I change my mind somewhere in there?

Update on the politiky part

• Interesting Program #1: University of Chicago, Center for International Relations. Sounded interesting to me, they say they are one of the oldest International Relations schools in the country, and it's only for one year.
• Interesting Program #2: University of Warwick, Politics and International Studies (located in Britain somewhere). Be kind of cool to study politics from another perspective, but I think that, if I somehow managed to become known, it would be a detriment to have studied outside the country.
• Interesting Program #3: Seton Hall University, Diplomacy and International Relations. Diplomacy is a good thing, it involves knowing both sides, something I am an advocate of. But who the heck has ever heard of Seton Hall before, and where is it?

Okay, I'm done. Sorry to go on for so long, but now that I have actually taken the fork in the road, I'm all confused. But I think it's a good confused. At least it gives me a goal, and I found that I can be more positive at work, focusing on what I can contribute in the (mostly likely) year before I leave for grad school, wherever that may be.

I know I already blogged today, but I have to share. I'm looking up grad schools, trying to figure out what to do, what to do. I found a Master's of Humanities at Salve Regina University in Rhode Island, and you can go straight on to a Ph.D. Basically it's a Master's of Core I with the option of a Ph.D. in Core I. This is the description of the Master's:

The Master of Arts in Humanities is an interdisciplinary program that seeks to foster a broad understanding of the qualitative aspects of life and culture through a study of disciplines such as history, literature, philosophy and religion. The course of study is intended for individuals who want to broaden their intellectual and cultural horizons. It also serves as excellent preparation for the Ph.D. degree in the Humanities.

And here is the Ph.D.:

The doctoral program in humanities provides an interdisciplinary investigation of the question “What does it mean to be human in an age of advanced technology?” In one form or another, this question commands attention as we enter the twenty-first century, and find ourselves continually challenged by technological change. This crucial question is addressed from a humanistic perspective: the fields of art, ethics, literature, management, philosophy and religion direct our investigation of advanced technology's implications on individuals and society.

I am actually and offically blogging from my own apartment. Yes, that's right, now it may actually be possible to contact me.

And let's also make it official that Jessica has decided to go to graduate school. I realized today that it was exactly a year after graduation, weird. Where and for what exactly, the research has yet to be done for, but something involving the written word. Rest assured, you will be kept abreast of all decisions.

This is my life:

• Alarm goes off at 6:12.
• 2 sessions of snoozing.
• 6:30, throw off the covers and spend 3-5 minutes convincing myself I really do have to get up and take a shower.
• Shower, dress, eat breakfast, all while trying to convince myself that today won't be such a bad day.
• Chant for a couple minutes, because, hey it can't hurt, and maybe it'll help.
• Read, stare, and/or try to figure out what I'm going to do at work all day long off into space for 15 minutes before I leave for work at 7:45.
• Get to work 5 minutes later.
• Spend the first 10 minutes trying to come up with a plan for the day that will trick my boss into thinking I'm being productive
• Spend the first 2-3 hours doing what I know is productive.
• Try to get someone to give me something to do that will be productive.
• Lunch, oh the freedom that an hour can bring.
• Spend the rest of the day trying to do what my bos wants me to do without being totally miserable and trying not to think about how usless it is.
• 5:00, get kicked out of the office, try to have a productive evening.
• At home, eating dinner and trying to convince myself that I shouldn't read the night away into oblivion because that makes tomorrow and the next day of work come too quickly.
• Try to think of what to do: look for another job? keep plugging until I can get a handle of the work situation, if that's possible? continue to be miserable and do nothing?
• Word on the "thing" I'm trying to write to see if there's any future in it for me for a few minutes and stare off into space.
• Go to sleep rediculously early becuase trying to avoid rocking the boat or making any decisions and reading all night is hard work.

Wow, I didn't realize I was so depressing.

Wow, the last time I posted was in February. Time is sure flying by, and I don't have all that much to show for it, how sad.

I just spent about a month and a half covering for a co-worker who quit suddenly. We've been having such a problem with personnel they didn't want to rush somebody in when we'd just have to cover again in another month. So anyway, I didn't mind so much, it was a much less stressful (overall) position with a lot less responsibilities. Unfortunately (for me) it was working with customers, and that was just too stressful when we didn't have exactly what they wanted or we screwed them over and I was the one they yelled at.

But now I'm back in my regular position, whatever that is. It changes every week anyway, and now I'm all confused about what I'm doing, what my priorities are and all that. My boss and I were talking and I was agreeing with everything he was saying (because duh, not so healthy to argue and he's a pretty confrontational person anyway) but then he made a comment about me not really having any position. And yeah, I knew he was talking in a circle and kept changing his mind, and I guess it was a little trap, and I fell into it, but I have no idea how to fix the company. Come on, it's so messed up!! I'd say scrap it and start somewhere else. Not the most profitable type of business, I don't know what possessed them to start it.

That's my rant about my work situation. My brother might be moving in with me. He's doing exactly nothing right now, and I'm hoping that if he moved in with me, I could bug him into getting a job or going back to school. But it's possible that the only thing that'll come of it is that I'll kill him and be an only child.

Ahhh, enough.

And here I am on the internet after two week without. I swear, I gotta get some at home or it's going to be a disaster.

So here I am, working, eating, and sleeping most of my days. But I did go to an open house kinda thing at a dance studio where a girl from my work goes/teaches. I went with another girl from my work and her husband. They signed up, but it was just a little too different for me. I had a girl trying to teach me salsa who still had to count semi-out-loud. It was odd. But it was fun and the first time I danced in a long time. I also learn the basic steps to the waltz, foxtrot, tango, and some silly thing called the hussle (just the merenge with a slightly different empahsis). They kept saying, "you follow well," or "you have natural hip movement" and I'd tell them that I did some latin dance before, but they'd still try to teach me every little thing. Oh well, they needed to teach me more than I needed to argue with them about how I didn't need it. But learning the other dances was kinda cool. I wish I could learn them fully, without having to deal with the plastic people who were the teachers. Oh yeah, and which side does the gay earring go on? There was an our-age guy there with an earring who looked just a little too polished to be straight, but not as gayfulicious as some of the other men who could have taught Male a thing or two about moving your hips.

And thus ends the narrative of the only interesting thing that I have done in the past two weeks, unless you want me to go on a rant about my work, which I assure you, you don't.

Been running around a lot lately, trying to buy all sorts of furniture to make it possible to live on my own. Almost there I think.

Random thoughts of the last little bit:

I'm going to vote in 2008 for the person who is willing to tell it like it is, name names and who cares about playing nicey nice with all the stupid people. Topping the list are Hillary Clinton and What's-his-Obama-dude.

And has anyone else noticed the gas prices creeping back up without anyone screaming about it? I think the gas companies realized that we weren't going to take it and lowered the prices until we shut up, then it's back to business as usual.

I'm been half awake while I'm dreaming. I dream that I laying there thinking, or something, or it's part of my dream to return to my bed. It's weird, and it makes it hard to get a full night's sleep.

Furniture and household implements just come out of the woodwork when you ask for them! My entire kitchen is stocked with hand-me-downs from the randomest people. I have more pots and pans than I could ever need from my grandfather's regular Monday breakfast waitress. Tomorrow we are going to check out a bunch of furniture the local diner owner has in storage. And I got the collest little vanity from my great-aunt. Not to mention the people who you would expect to give me things. The one person who hasn't given me anything? The father. How weird is that? He did drive some of my old stuff to me that he had been keeping in storage, but that benefits him too, because it's not hanging around taking up space. I'm trying to make him buy me a couch, because with all the other stuff, I will otherwise be sitting on the floor for a while.

I'm feeling guilty for not posting. Or maybe not guilty, but that I need to post something. Problem: I don't have anything to say. Okay, resorting to narrative of my day.

I bought a bookshelf-type deal and a plant from the nextdoor neighbor who is moving away. My dad brought me my old bedframe and a shelf from his storage space. I had very zero luck buying a mattress for any decent price. I took some stuff to my new apartment, put some stuff together, brainstormed a layout, discovered the I already need 3 standard lightbulbs. Then I came to the current-for-now home and packed up a bunch of stuff for transport tomorrow. Now we're watching The Tick. And I'm trying to convince my uncle to get me Smallville season 3. I'm addicted.

That was/is my day. I hope you all enjoyed the detail.

Seattle was on Good Morning America this morning for all the rain. Uhh, don't you think there is more important news around?

Oh yeah, and I'm moving into my apartment this weekend too Sammi.

I signed a lease for an apartment today. A little more than I wanted to pay, but the guy let me sign without doing a background check and with the understanding that I have little to no credit. It's a two-bedroom, so you can have your own room when you come to visit.

I found out that my new favorite band is from Bellingham. Their's was the first CD I put in this year. The first song on the CD is called "New Year." It starts, So this is the New Year. I don't feel any different. Talk about coincidences.

Yesterday I drove around for about 4 hours looking for an apartment. Okay, so we were also checking out the crazy cool historical houses as well. Bottom line, I need to settle for an old old place, or find a roommate. But I really want my privacy. Going out to look at a place this afternoon, we'll see how it goes.

My internet silence in over. Blah blah blah.

We put an ad out for an assistant for me. Isn't that cool?

Let the silence continue.