I am officially not crazy worried about Capstone anymore. Yeah, I still have to keep working, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, my anxiety attacks are about life after graduation. That's right. I was looking around my room today, and I realized that we would never be here again. The minute we step off campus, we're alumni and it's not about us anymore.

I really hope I'm not homeless.

I'm not allowed to throw away banana peels in the room anymore. It's a long walk downstairs, let me tell you.

I can't blog using Explorer anymore either. If just doesn't work. Good thing Sammi randomly downloaded Foxfire one day when I told her not to.

I want my last name to be Hoogenboom. That'd be way cool.

I want to go outside so much, but what would I do once I got out there? Probably the same thing I'm doing in here: nothing.

I guess it's time to try to be productive in some way. Oh yeah, I'll download the latest MSN Messenger. I've been meaning to do that. It's not productive particularly, but it means that I can not look at the computer screen for about 30 seconds, which is a plus.

It's 3:00 in the West.

Oh no! I'm about to write song lyrics. Look out!!

"Shout, shout, let it all out!"

I'm trying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't decide which is better silence or music.

And soon I may have to shut the blinds.

I can't even bring myself to unplug the internet.

It's okay, today is about assessment.

It will all be okay.

It will all be okay.

Maybe I'll look up publishing internships or copy editor stuff.

It will all be okay.

How many times to I have to say it before it will be true?

It will all be okay.

IT. WILL. ALL. BE. OKAY.

What's wrong with the world when a state senate says that to say "hey you, you can't kick that person out of their house for being gay!" would be detrimental to society or just isn't necessary? Oh let me count the ways. One one thousand...two one thousand...three one thousand...

Just the sort of pick-me-up I needed to start of my day off right! ...

Is it bad that the only times I've had feelings of accomplishment lately are when I've finished a bunch of scrapbook pages?

I am a wreck!

I read in an article that some people think that humans are genetically predisposed to monogamy because of emotions like jealousy. I don't think they meant it as any special comment on human beings, but it translated in my mind to: our foremost emotion is jealousy. And now I'm kinda obsessed with the idea. It keeps coming up in my thoughts. When I start tracking my thoughts, the first thing that comes up is jealousy. And in thinking about it, I've discovered that I am an extraordinarily jealous person.

I'm jealous of people's success
I'm jealous of people's time
I'm jealous of people's happiness and laughter
I'm jealous of people who seem to be okay with themselves
I'm jealous of people's health, mental and physical
I'm jealous of people's peace
I'm jealous of people who have people to understand them
I'm jealous of people who are open

But the whole time, I tell myself not to be. Is it like the negative feedback psychology thingy? Because I keep mentioning it, it's always on my mind?

Another random thought (gee I hope I'm not forcing them):

caveat: don't even try to think about the thought process involved in this one.

So there's this book I read a while ago in which Neanderthals came to be the dominant species and not homo sapiens or whatever we were back then. [Did you know that, according to this book anyway, its possible that home erectus (we) killed off the Neanderthals? Isn't that crazy? Our first case of genocide.] Anyway, in this other reality, all the women lived together in the center of town and the men only visited for a couple days a month. It wasn't that the men couldn't go to visit the females, but everyone just led different lives. The men all went when the women were ovulating and could concieve chilren...yeah anyway. 'Cause the women were all on the same cycle because they all lived together. So the point is that, while men could go visit the women, if they went during that one week a month...they couldn't get any taxis to take them and buses diverted their routes and stuff.

And I was thinking, dude, that must suck for the women to all be PMSing at the same time! And then I was thinking, dude, that's what happens here. And the men all do it too.

Okay, real quick.

I'm listening to the Garden State soundtrack while writing my paper. Haha, paper shmaper, as long as I pass. Anyway, so, I'm thinking that it's possible that Atalienay Ortmanpay (I just hate talking bad about people so that they'd be able to understand =P) is kind of a flighty person? I know that a million gajillion men in the world are in love with her, and I would totally be if I had to pick a woman to be in love with...but can you name a movie that she's been in (as an adult) that she didn't start dating a costar in? Okay, maybe Closer, but who knows. She dated the stupid bad actor boy in Star Wars, Zach what's his name in Garden State, her costar in some movie taking place in Israel... But she did have the good taste to date Gael Garcia...so...hmmm

Just a random thought that is keeping me from graduating.

I have a dream. A dream of a perfect man. He will approach me at a loud and ruckus party with a beer in his hand and be visibly inebriated. He will be so close to me as he speaks that I can smell the peanuts on his breath. He will know instinctively that I am an intuitive person and feel safe enough to share with me his deepest and darkest secret. He'll lean in even closer and, in a voice that's just hitting adolescence, say to me, "I'm a time traveller. Wanna go back to my time for some drinks?" And I'll know that we were meant to be together, and we will be, for the rest of our lives, or at least until he returns to his own time. Yup, that's how's it's gonna happen.

I...am obsessed with my own eye color. Today I'm wearing a blue shirt, so my eyes should be blue right? But I just went to the bathroom, and my eyes looked green in the mirror. Now, I seem to remember myself lamenting that my eyes could turn any color except green. So what's up with that? And remember that one time I wore a brown shirt, but my eyes were blue? I thought my eyes changed color because they were reflecting the color I was wearing, but these instances seem to be defying convention. So I will continue to watch from the background and see if I can catch a glimmer of understanding about the inner workings of my eye color. Or, maybe I'll catch the little green buggers who are switching my eyes when I'm not looking.

I beginning to doubt whether I will be able to finish everything. I may just have a breakdown and finish nothing.

Three things:

1)I don't like Tomoko Takahashi.
2)I feel like we had to give up our privacy rights to go here
3)Whenever I feel like writing stuff down, I can't sign in to the stupid thing!!!

This is me.

Where is me? I must be lost somewhere in cyberspace, don't you hate it when that happens?

Listening to French music.
Dad sent a check for tuition.
My brother is going to harass billygoats under a bridge.
I don't want my life to revolve around Capstone any more.
Why is education so important anyway?
Rice is heavy in my stomach.
I need to get a really big picture album.
I don't know how to write a reasearch paper.
Would old people be madmen monsters or hunchback monsters?
Alex walks between 370 and 315 more than anyone else.
I have no motivation.

I AM doing homework.

Nothing new. Still bored out of my mind. Wondering, if I'm so bored, why don't I do some work?

50-75 page Capstone...on...what?

12-15 page Philosophy paper...on...what?

15 page Shakespeare paper...on...what?

Phat Vu giving silly amounts of homework...on...what?

Jessica is going to die.

I'm trying to blog, I really am, I'm just so confused about what I'm thinking that it wouldn't really make sense to write what I think I'm thinking, or what I'm trying to convince myself that I'm thinking, or what I'm trying to convince myself that I think I'm thinking...you get the point.

Only Point I'm Sure About: Time is running out!!! For EVERYTHING! Time to get on top of it, or...well, I'll have a lot more time...I suppose.

It's 11 o'clock. Normally, I should be getting mighty sleepy right now and be trying to convince myself to stay up just 30 more minutes. But thanks to that 4 hour nap in the middle of the day, I'm good! hehe. Must regulate body...sleep...eating...habits.

I used to think that I had a really strong will-power over myself, but now I'm not so sure. I want it back.

I finally logged-in, but now I'm outta the mood. Maybe tomorrow night, Honey.