I...am obsessed with my own eye color. Today I'm wearing a blue shirt, so my eyes should be blue right? But I just went to the bathroom, and my eyes looked green in the mirror. Now, I seem to remember myself lamenting that my eyes could turn any color except green. So what's up with that? And remember that one time I wore a brown shirt, but my eyes were blue? I thought my eyes changed color because they were reflecting the color I was wearing, but these instances seem to be defying convention. So I will continue to watch from the background and see if I can catch a glimmer of understanding about the inner workings of my eye color. Or, maybe I'll catch the little green buggers who are switching my eyes when I'm not looking.

I beginning to doubt whether I will be able to finish everything. I may just have a breakdown and finish nothing.

Three things:

1)I don't like Tomoko Takahashi.
2)I feel like we had to give up our privacy rights to go here
3)Whenever I feel like writing stuff down, I can't sign in to the stupid thing!!!

This is me.

Where is me? I must be lost somewhere in cyberspace, don't you hate it when that happens?

Listening to French music.
Dad sent a check for tuition.
My brother is going to harass billygoats under a bridge.
I don't want my life to revolve around Capstone any more.
Why is education so important anyway?
Rice is heavy in my stomach.
I need to get a really big picture album.
I don't know how to write a reasearch paper.
Would old people be madmen monsters or hunchback monsters?
Alex walks between 370 and 315 more than anyone else.
I have no motivation.

I AM doing homework.

Nothing new. Still bored out of my mind. Wondering, if I'm so bored, why don't I do some work?

50-75 page Capstone...on...what?

12-15 page Philosophy paper...on...what?

15 page Shakespeare paper...on...what?

Phat Vu giving silly amounts of homework...on...what?

Jessica is going to die.

I'm trying to blog, I really am, I'm just so confused about what I'm thinking that it wouldn't really make sense to write what I think I'm thinking, or what I'm trying to convince myself that I'm thinking, or what I'm trying to convince myself that I think I'm thinking...you get the point.

Only Point I'm Sure About: Time is running out!!! For EVERYTHING! Time to get on top of it, or...well, I'll have a lot more time...I suppose.

It's 11 o'clock. Normally, I should be getting mighty sleepy right now and be trying to convince myself to stay up just 30 more minutes. But thanks to that 4 hour nap in the middle of the day, I'm good! hehe. Must regulate body...sleep...eating...habits.

I used to think that I had a really strong will-power over myself, but now I'm not so sure. I want it back.

I finally logged-in, but now I'm outta the mood. Maybe tomorrow night, Honey.

Dear God,

Some people say mean things about the things I like, like scarves. Sometimes they say they're tacky, and sometimes they just laugh at me. I've tried to do the right thing and denounce them as my friends, but it doesn't seem to work. So I was wondering if you could help me out. I was wondering if you could do what you do best and smote them. I wouldn't ask for anything too fancy, or course. Maybe just a little smoting for each one. It would sure help me out a lot.

Thanks,

Jessica

Test...test. This is just a test to see if this thing is still on.

I'm just warming up the engine.

I'm alive, alive. Lost contact with the internet for a while there.

Update:
Back in the States
No culture shock to speak of
Fine with a fork
Stomach shrunk though...got only halfway through a hamburger at Red Robin
Still trying to find all the presents that I packed in random spaces
Found the earrings that I lost in Tokyo
Nothing to blog about now that I'm back where I belong

Ellie's going to do the Senior Scrapbook!!! So excited!!! Something for me to organize.

10 days...or so.

Am I changing? Or has it already been there. I haven't really become very close to anyone from the program or the school.

I'm so much quieter here than at home or at school, and not just because of the whole not speaking the language thing. I can ride in the car for an hour with just me and my host mom, and the only thing I'll say is to point out a car from Nagoya and comment that it must have been quite a drive. Sometimes I'd rather just sit. I'm not bothered to ride the subway with two Japanese guys and have them talking to each other in Japanese and me staring at the advertizements like normal. I kind of enjoy riding the bus or subway by myself for more than an hour.

But when I'm with Sammi and/or Allison, I talk just as much as normal. That is, I never shut up. Am I afraid of putting myself out there? And I satisfied with the people I already know and don't care to meet new people? If this is so, what happens after Soka, and we all move to our various homes around the world? I'll have to make new friends somewhere.

I feel like writing lately. I've had thoughts like, that would be a good book. But do I have time? Probably, I'm sure I'm just scared that it wouldn't be any good. Would it be just a story book? Would it have some deep meaning? In a hundred years, will anyone care? I feel like my thoughts and ideas are different from other peoples, and if I wrote a book, maybe I could explain them to myself. But I wouldn't want to invent feelings with which to write a book. So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?

So I've decided that even though I said that Japan doesn't have purple grass and a green sky(see first or second entry of alternate blog), there really is purple grass and a green sky, it's just disguised as green grass and blue sky. Confused? Visually there are some difference, but once you get used to that, it seems the same as wherever else, or at least it did to me. With all the things that matter, Japan is the same: everyone has five fingers on each hand, and they all like to have fun, and life is a daily thing for them too. But it's the little things that are different: everyone sits through all the credits at the movies, and they have horrible fashion sense, and they bow when they thank or meet people.

In some ways, all people are the same, well, at least all people that I've come in contact with. I think in all the important ways, that's how it is. All people are first and foremost people, and then they are whatever, whoever, wherever. And when I go to a new place, I'm disappointed that I can't immediately see and feel the difference to the core of my being. But the differences are different from what you think. They are smaller and sometimes you can't see them except for some random part of you that never tells the you who's YOU what it thinks. You just have to gradually come to know it. And at the same time to recognize it, you see your own culture or language more clearly. Trying to figure out why they do what they do, you have to understand why YOU do what you do.

If my experience here was exactly as I expected, I wouldn't have needed to come because I wouldn't have learned anything new. Fortunately, I don't quite remember what I expected because it all seemed like a big black hole. Maybe that's the best way, because then we don't have to be disappointed too much.

Hmmm, I'm supposing that some people are out there thinking, "wow, she is strange. Japan is completely different and there is no way it couldn't be." But the food, the houses, the external stuff that you can see is all easy to get used to. Maybe at the beginning it freaks you out to eat rice at every meal, but you can get used to it. I think the real cool crazy stuff is the stuff that you can't get used to, or you can't figure out why it's done. The stuff that just seems different but you can't explain why. Any of the physical stuff like food and clothes you can take anywhere and recreate, but you can't recreate Japan, and that's the interesting stuff.

I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber.

That's truly how I feel right now. That is, not really feeling...I guess.

The only emotions that I feel very strongly are the type that I don't necessarily want to be broadcasting. Cool as a cucumber.

I want to be supported by someone I divorced but still be dating someone else! What's with that?

Why can't I speak Japanese???

Why am I complaining so much? ...let's not get into that mess!

I'm still tired all the time! Darn it! What am I going to do when I get back to school and find that my 10 hours of sleep have diminished to, maybe, 6? (if I neglect homework and sleep early)

I have to say: Typing on a keyboard is really nice!!

Laptops!! Yea! So Eric didn't lie to me about something!

It is SOOOOO hot and humid right now. Actually, just humid. One of the (many and myriad) reasons I came to Sapporo is because everyone told me it's not humid up here. Not all the Sapporites tell me this is really uncommon...but I don't want to believe. The typhoon the other day, yeah, typhoon, helped for one day, but now it's back to really painful. Talk about stepping out the door and down the street and already being covered in sweat! Give me more typhoons!! Amy (girl from Saipan) says that she knew a typhoon was coming because of the humidity. Does that mean another one is coming?

Cheers for the 85-year-old rock-climbing enemy-of-Nixon Seattlite!! Only one we got. I remember doing a report on him...or his family...in middle or high school.

I discovered...well...Alison got it first, doesn't like it, and won't get it again...this great grapefruit drink. Now, it's funny, but I never ate grapefruit before coming to Japan. Now I eat it all the time...breakfast, in drinks... I wonder if I'll eat it when I get back? I always thought I didn't like grapefruit. But I'm pretty sure I won't be able to find the drink in the U.S. I can't even find it most places in Japan, only at the school store!

Someone is watching Charlie's Angels. I wanna watch a movie, but I never have time. I am stupid! When I have lots of free time, I want something to do, but when I have stuff to do, I whine about it. Just hit me! (one more time?) Brittany gets stuck in my head here, please help me!

When I'm teaching English, the kids think the stupid things I do are really funny. We were singing the ABCs and I started trying to make the letters with my body. When I say that the penguin is my favorite animal (you gotta have a favorite and least favorite everything with these people: penguins, spiders; sushi, onions; orange, brown) I walk like a penguin. Now...is this my personality coming out? or am I acting for the kids? Is there a difference?

I shouldn't be allowed to run the video camera...I make sound effects while I'm filming. I even hum. And it all gets caught on tape. It's not a good thing to be taping!

Yes, Monday. I was not in the mood for class today. I kept getting angry at the teacher for doing teacher things. Like I was annoyed that you couldn't use certain forms with certain adjectives. It's not like it's her fault, but I was still glaring at her and wanted to just stop doing the classwork. Hormones must be going a little wonky I guess.

There is absolutely nothing going on in my head. Sometimes during the day, I am all about cool things to blog, but I get here and nothing comes.

So far in Japanese literature class, the books have been good to interesting to okay, but the last one we have to read is just evil. I don't understand the purpose, and I don't even think it was written that well. His sentences are all short and choppy, and I swear sometimes they don't fit the whole subject-verb-object rule we got going. Yeah, I'm bitter.

Today they were handing out bibles in front of the student store. They are in Japanese and English. I got one, but then I was reading, and it's in oldish Japanese, like King James of course, and I don't think it will help me particularly to read old Japanese when I can't even read new Japanese yet...

What's going on?? I don't know, you tell me.

Everyone is all like, "oh no, only 4 weeks left. Woe is me!" But they have been saying it since it was 6 weeks left. So instead of enjoying the time, they are just lamenting the passing of the time. Why do you need to worry about how much time there is left? It's just silly if you ask me, and it just gets everyone depressed.

So, I think there should be a rule that you know when you are stressed out. I am having bags under my eyes all the time. Yesterday they were really bad, and I was scared everyone was looking at them. But I totally get enough sleep. I think I get at least 8 or 9 hours a night. So I must be stressed out I guess. It takes a little more energy to live in this country because of the having to pay excessive attention to everything in order to slightly understand it, but I don't think that it's as pronounced as all that! Anywho...

Looking forward to Tokyo! Not looking forward to the big test tomorrow. We finished the book and now we have to take the test. It's so unfair!! Looking for the peanut butter-like sesami candy that Sammi's mom gave her. Yummy! Haven't gone to karaoke in a while, I should go. Gotta figure out this whole getting paid thing. I hope the work permit thing that Satoh san is making me get doesn't make things crazy complicated! I should eat more vegetables, and not vegetables that are...ahhh, what is the word? soaked in vinegar...like pickles...tsukemono...anyway, more raw vegetables.