Merry Boxing Day!

I must say that text messaging Christmas wishes on Christmas morning is weird. I didn't get too particularly annoyed with any of my family members after spending the whole day with them. Small Christmas trees are definitely better. I don't think potato salad for Christmas dinner should become a tradition, but ham is essential. We really need to the stores to diversify; my brother got a t-shirt that says "meh!" and a sweatshirt that says..."meh!" It's a really good thing that Christmas only comes once a year.

You'll just have to bear with me a little longer. Remember that patience is a virtue. Ouch.

Poor Allie keeps having to comment on my blogs on my MySpace, so I am attempting to add comments. Unfortunately, I killed my own template a long time ago while teaching myself HTMP by trial and error (mostly error). Blogger doesn't seem to be able to add comments to my terror of a template, and I've forgotten all that I accidently created. And darn it, I kinda like what I came up with all those long lonely years ago (at least better than any of the options). So bear with me while my blog goes through an upheaval.

Toe socks make your feet look big.

I'm realizing more and more that the people I work with and for are very different from me. This morning I was subject to a lecture that basically condensed down to "crazy liberal environmentalists consistently ignore and misreport the data so that they can keep getting exorbitant amounts of funding and are hatefully ruining the livelihoods of good honest Americans." Last night, they called a winning high school football player "classy" for dropping to one knee and thanking God before doing a t.v. interview. Ah well, they're nice enough if you keep your mouth shut while they talk about religion or politics. On the other hand, maybe I should tell them I'm a blue-blooded heathen. Then they will stop telling me how tall/handsome/successful their sons are, and oh, by the way, he's living on the west side, you should meet him.

"If invited into someone's home, remember to always remove your shoes in the entrance as a sign of respect, and to give yourself something with which to hit the family pet should it attack."

Ann tells me there's a troll who lives under a bridge in Seattle. I'm kinda jealous.

What would the theme song for your reality show be? Ann says mine is "I'm pretty, oh so pretty, I'm pretty and witty and GGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" But she's short, so what does she know. I have to come up with a really mean one for her.

Watch out! The spiders have formed a large conspiracy. Are they out to get you too?

Fact 1: Spiders are malicious, devious creatures who enjoy making people miserable.

Fact 2: They somehow brainwashed me into not squishing them when I find them. Instead they take control of my body and make me take them outside where they can plot their next attack.

Fact 3: They usually come at me when I am relaxed and unsuspecting at home.

Fact 4: They have started attacking me at work!

Fact 5: They made me switch regular parking spots at work by marking their territory (read: they built a freaking web on my car!).

Fact 6: They often stretch their webs across the walkway I use to go into the office.

Fact 7: THEY KNOW WHERE I SIT AT WORK and they sit under my desk and wait for me. And then they escape the upside-down pen holder I use to catch them and make me scream and attract the attention of the whole office.

You can't deny the facts. We must unite against the eight-legged-boogeyman!

"I adore you, but you don't know who you are."

Today I saw a horse doing an excellent impression of a stuff Black Beauty statue. His tail wasn't even waving in the wind. Had there been anyone else on that particular road, he would have witnessed an accident. Then he shook his head and went on his way. Who know horses stare off into space like everyone else.

I keep trying to come up with a description of how I feel right now, but it's not working.

I'm moving again. Got approved for the place today and will have to go sign the lease sometime this week. I think I'm past the point where I might accidentally buy a condo, but I'm still jealous of those who can buy.

My first assignment for that online class (which I did manage to get into by the way) is due tomorrow. I'm trying to work up the enthusiasm to finish it. At least I discovered that online classes are not my thing. I was going to take one other class next quarter...and I really probably should...

Work is going well, which is scaring me. Pretty sad huh? They're sending me to conference so I can learn about irrigation districts. Yeah, doesn't make any sense to me either. But they like me and they think I'm a valuable addition to the company. Why doesn't that make me happier?

Somebody has to stop me!! What the heck is wrong with me?? I'm so tempted to buy a condo it's ridiculous!! I'm afraid it's going to happen whether I want it to or not. What is with my urge to own real estate? I don't know what it is, but it's a bad idea!!

So what the heck is going on? I decided to take a couple classes at a community college just in case I decide to go for that Masters program I've been thinking about ('cause why not burn $1000 on 2 classes??). But I can't get them to let me in to the one I picked the school for! They want my AP Calculus scores from high school! I don't have those, it's been seven years! I faxed them my SUA transcript, but that didn't work. I took the math assessment test, but the class I want to take won't accept it even though I placed beyond the prerequisite class. Not much beyond, because who remembers trig? Maybe I need to spend 30 minutes reviewing all the crap I learned that has no bearing on life or the class I want to take so I can place much higher than the prereq. But the lady won't answer her phone and isn't calling me back, and I am not going to spend another $20 or take time off work to drive through the worst traffic in the Seattle area when I don't know if it's going to work. Can I just say that it shouldn't be this hard to take one course at a community college!

All my old YWD leaders have been calling me. All in one week too. It's been slightly freaky, especially since they are all from different places and times and don't even know each other.

"No wonder men are perplexed by the modern woman. We're actually prehistoric hypocritical geniuses. " http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/HomeMortgageSavings/WhoPays.aspx#pageTopAchor

I have never heard a better description of women.

I thought that there would be more pain involved in this whole recovery thing. I was thinking that I wouldn't mind the swelling because I would be delirious with pain.

Happy last day of July! Wow, time is going fast. I'll be 22 in no time :P

Work today was the craziest thing. The receptionist (Front Desk Coordinator) made a mistake and got yelled at and spent an hour in the bathroom crying. And her assistant receptionist came and got me to make her feel better. Me and emotion: doesn't fit together so well. But I think I helped a little at least...I can certainly play cheerful well enough.

When she was back on her feet (in her chair, at her desk...), the assistant "Front Desk Coordinator's" boyfriend broke up with her during lunch. So she went home early because she was apparently a mess. Good thing it was a slow day.

Oh, and I got a raise, but no one told me. I'm just hoping that it wasn't a mistake and they'll take it away once I find the right person to ask. Isn't that random though? I would think they would want to make the best of a raise and get the employee's morale up. I might not even have noticed (because my hours are different every month) except that the pay rate is right next to where it shows remaining vacation and sick time.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out in two weeks and two days. I'm a little late, but that's better than never right? I wasn't worried about it at all, but then today I had to go in and sign all the papers and show the oral surgeon my x-rays. Apparently, I may need to get root canals on my bottom back teeth, depending on how the lower wisdom teeth come out. And either way, they're going to be crazy sensitive because the roots will be exposed until my mouth heals. How wrong is that? Well, at least the dude explained to my exactly what a root canal is. I'm maxing out my dental benefits in one go, on top of paying $600 for the privilage. After this, my teeth are off limits until 2008, even if my roots do need canaling.

I was reading this website telling me that we used to need our wisom teeth to take the place of missing or worn down teeth when we were still running around catching our dinner. But all four of mine are so jacked up, they wouldn't have come in even if there had been room.

It's expensive to be healthy. And didn't you just get more information than you wanted.

Rraaaawwr.

I'm about ready to just pick something, somewhere, someone and just do it. So that I have something and can stop floating around like a moron.

It's so wrong. Today my company had our 401K people come in for their yearly update. I don't know why I went, I'm not eligible for another 6 months... Now I'm freaking out trying to figure out how I can save $6000 a year (which equals $500 a month!) because the example the dude gave was of a 25-year-old saving $6000 a year for 40 years and ending up with over a million dollars. I've got spreadsheets with all the different options, starting will smaller contributions and gradually increasing them, all the options, not all of them financally feasible for me. But it's all about having money in early, so really, I could put a whole bunch in now and take a breather with smaller contributions in a couple years. I'm even wondering if I should get an after hours summer job for some extra money to start with. And I'm trying to figure out what all those financy words that he was tossing around with abandon mean. I just kind of looked at the not-so-pretty graphs that were up on the screen. Really, all I got out of the meeting is this: start now and diversify (except I already knew that part, I just don't know what to diversify TO). Only 6 months to figure it out. And maybe I should send an extra check to my IRA right now. And is having two different accounts with different people going to be a problem. Maybe I'll just switch the IRA to these people (if I can??). I Googled the dude at the meeting and his company was listed on some winner's circle list for financiers (the only one from Seattle on the list [wow, major sense of deja vu there]). That's enough whining, I have to get back to studying all this stuff!

"The female tarantula stings her mate at the moment of ejaculation. This numbs him, and in this blissful state she slowly devours him, eating him alive. He feels no pain, as her sting works like a morphia d'amour, promoting a finale of euphoria. His flesh will in turn feed that of his offspring. The male is conscious, though euphoric, as his mate consumes him utterly. By some quirk of evolution, or perhaps simply awareness, she always saves the brain till last. Then the lights go out. I've always thought it must be quite a way to go."

Do I look Irish? One of the engineers told me today that he thinks of me as a typical Irish woman. He just found some distant relatives in Ireland, so it's not too random of a thought. I imagine there must be some Irish in me, but I can't imagine that it's too much. But this is also the person who still calls me Rebecca every once in a while. I get Jennifer all the time, but not one else has ever called me Rebecca. He reminds me of Jay Heffron; he's spacey but really intelligent and knows his stuff when he can remember what he's doing.

How old do I have to be before I stop finding most people my own age completely idiotic?

I think I'll join Ellie as a naked old person. Lately my clothes have felt more and more restrictive and I just want to walk around without any on. Can't help that it's freakin hot around here.

I had this totally crazy urge about an hour ago to go blond. Bright yellow blond. It's a good thing I wasn't passing a salon, or I would be stupider by now. And the urge hasn't completely gone away.

It's a second birthday of a different sort. Truly a birthing in the cycle of suffering.

See? Water. Fish.

"My morning appointments and Stephanie dr appt make Friday tough the schedule!"

Allison! Come teach my boss English.

It's so hot!!! How can it be 50 over the weekend and 85 today? My tricking Spring didn't work, we skipped it completely, according to my brother. He's the new Punxsutawney Phil of the summer. When he comes out of the house and just about dies from heat exhaustion, you know summer has come.

On the downside, I really hope one of us was adopted, because as cute as Phil is, I don't want to be a groundhog as I would be if my brother was.

I think that my problem is that I don't want to make the wrong decision and be button-holed into something that turns out to be wrong for me. And so I don't make any decision. Or maybe it's that I don't think I'll be good enough at anything, which is dumb because I imagine anyone reading this knows that I have a pretty healthy opionion of my intelligence.

I'm up to three different future plans. And some side trips that I wouldn't mind taking.

I am having a bad week. I've had so much stuff to do I've been skipping lunch and staying late. But then I'm all stressed about everything I have to do tomorrow and I can't relax, so I just sit and zone out in front of the tv. And we're short-staffed at work with people on vacation and sick and on assignment elsewhere. Responsibilities are being passed around and balls are being dropped. Hotels are cancelling reservations and NO ONE WITH ANY AUTHORITY WILL GIVE ME ANY ANSWERS.

May will be good.

Some day this week is Administrative Professionals Day (I don't know which day). Is that the saddest thing. Veterans, mothers, and administrative professionals: these are the people who deserve days dedicated to them.

Some people are taking a couple of us "administrative professionals" out to lunch later this week. Hey, at least that should be interesting.

My blond moment.

I pulled up to a four-way stop double-marked with a blinking red light. And I sat there waiting for it to turn green.

I realized today, or was it yesterday, that I'm a snob. It's true. Not as much as I seem sometimes, I suppose, but I am anyhow. I wonder how I got this way.

I don't think my skirt plan is working. It's gray and raining today.

My family makes me so insecure. I love them, and we have fun together, but I realize that they (and me too) love to make snarky comments behind everyone's back. Everyone else is immature and inconsiderate, but of course they are perfect. And they get all up in arms if someone makes a suggestion about their or their childrens' actions and immediately start attacking the attacker. No so meanly as it sounds of course, but every one has a holier-than-thou attitude and wants to judge everyone else and not be judged themselves and ahhhhhhhhhh.

And I never hear things about myself, but they must talk about me when I'm not around.

I bought a dress last weekend and I wore it to work today and I felt pretty all day long. Dresses are good. And it was sunny and nice today, but, as someone as work said, today could have been both the beginning and end of summer, our one day of summer.

I killed my neck!!

Okay everybody, you've got to help me. It's like a telethon, over the internet, and I'm not asking for money. This week is skirt week. I'm trying to trick Spring into thinking that it's already time to be here. And technically, it is, even though it's just April and we're still in-ing like a lion. I figure, if it sees skirts, it will figure that maybe it hasn't done it's math right and it will come sooner. It works with me, I forget what day and month it is all the time.

Switching gears, I'm going to see about reserving that condo I emailed some peeps about. I want to go, and if no one else does, well then, I'll have a really expensive and quiet week to myself in Maui.

I feel like I need to re-invent myself musically. I want to be into obscure, indie, crazy music that does what no other music does.

Spring is finally here, for today at least. Who knows what season tomorrow will bring.

I had the dumbest bout of nostalgia a little bit ago. I saw, like, six yellow jackets fighting on a lamp post and I missed the days when we all sat outside for lunch and had to run away from the bees. Especially Cassie. I'm thinking I need to take a 3-day weekend and go visit her.

I've been so sleepy the past couple days. I don't know what's going on. Or I guess I don't want to know what's going on. It doesn't help that I'm sitting down all day long. I've been having mini rock-out sessions to the music on my computer to wake me up. Unfortunatly, it looks like I may need very large rock-out sessions to do any good.

Sleep is such a precarious thing.

We are calling Maju's visit a success! Even though we didn't follow my plan (at all), we did lots of cool things. Even though we got lost in downtown Seattle several times, we always found our way to where we were going. I think we did everything that someone visiting Seattle has to, touristy, historical, outdoorsy, nightlife, and lots and lots of good food!

So, if anyone is interested in coming to Seattle, here is a sample itinerary of the super exclusive but not too expensive Seattle Tours by Jessica. I even ordered the rain, because what would a trip to Seattle be without a little (or a lot of) rain?

Friday:

• Lunch at my current favorite American-style diner. Not fancy or exotic, but good food a little different from what you'd find elsewhere and a huge menu.
• Shopping trip to a local Asian food store for supplies.
• Trip to the east for a spectacular waterfall view and a lovely walk in the rain.
• Dinner at a really good India place (lucky guess, I had never been before).
• Back to a downtown Seattle poolhall to meet with old friends and make fun of the horrible DJ controlling the dance floor.

Saturday:

• Indian food is even better the next morning!
• Pick up the client's dad at the airport and straight back downtown to the Seattle Underground tour. Too complicated to explain, you'll have to come and I'll take you. Totally fun and unique experience. Where else does a city build an 8-35-foot retaining wall around every city block? Hey, at least they put in ladders at the corners.
• Lunch at the Cafe Poloma. Yummy mediterranian food (also a lucky guess).
• Door to door taxi service during crazy construction around hotels
• Back to Tour Headquarters, and I allow the client to cook for me. Yummy yummy!
• Downtown again to the supposed Salsa nightspot. Unfortunately, Seattle does not boast a large latino population, and that it does boast doesn't seem to have inherited the dancing gene. But good music!

Sunday:

• Early dim sum lunch at House of Hong in Seattle's attempt at Chinatown (it's called the International District). Hey, at least the food is good. I highly recommend the coconut mochi (or whatever they call in it China)!
• Shopping at Pike Place Market. Hey, I'll even help you spend your money!
• Meet my grandparents and get a cool gift. Eat a cookie (or three) and scram for the airport.

Not a bad itinerary for a little over 50 hours.

I've been speaking with a Transylvanian accent (or my version of one) every once in a while for the past couple days. I wonder what that's about.

So the conference. Even though I was getting hit on by guys who work with sewer water and probably never finished high school, it was fun, better than being at work. It never got too weird, there was a table between me and them and I'm sure that the engineer I was there with *who's like 6 foot 28 inches* wouldn't have let any of them actually kidnap me. It was actually kind of funny when we went to dinner at the casino (along with about everyone else from the conference) and some of the water people got drunk and started playing random songs on the piano. Besides the fact that they were playing and singing different songs at the same time, they were actually pretty good.

But instead of sitting at the computer doing who-knows-what all day long, I got to harass people to come over and talk to me all day long. Not that it wasn't tiring, but at least the only thing I did on a computer that day was check my email and read the gossip pages.

I am blogging from my first business trip. Isnt's that cool? We'll see how it goes tomorrow before I indicate whether I want to repeat this experience. I'm in Ocean Shores, WA: not the most glamourous of spots, but not bad. It's here:


I'm sitting in my hotel room with a view of the beach on their wireless internet. This is a hundred times preferable to sitting at home.

However, even though the company is paying for food, lodging, and gas expenses, it's been an expensive trip! Couple of new purses, a pair of earings or two...a really cool lamp from Bali. I just hope it doesn't get squashed on my way back, it's 4 feet of fragile wicker-type stuff. Fortunately, in a way, the stores don't open until 11 and they close at 5, so there's only a limited amound of time I can have my credit card out. And we thought Aliso Viejo was bad!

Lately, I have been desperate to be around people, anyone. But I just want to be alone because I know I won't get what I want out of anyone. What do I want? Not quite sure.

It started Saturday, and it was a bad bad day. I felt like that girl in elementary school who was always chasing after her group of "friends" and you felt sorry for her because she was so desperate and everyone thought she was pathetic. I kind of came to terms with it on Sunday. More like I just gave up and sought silence.

For some reason, I was really cheerful and energetic on Monday at work. Until I got home.

There's probably more, but I have to go.

Woo hoo, it's the weekend.

I'm on this new nightly routine. I switched to taking showers at night because I always try to convince myself in the morning that no one will notice if I don't take a shower. So now I shower at night, and it's working great, I think. It's only been about 3 days, so we'll see if it keeps up. The only complaint is that I've been getting really hot during the night. I don't know if it has anything to do with the showering thing, but it started the same day I did, so I'm suspicious.

Maju's coming to Seattle!! For a whole 3-day weekend!! Totally excited. Now let's see if I can get the Friday off...maybe not since two others will be gone that day...

On a total bummer note, that writing class I told you about? It was cancelled. I'm telling you, the world is conspiring against me. It's like I'm going to have to work hard or something. It's so totally unfair. Where's my fortune baby fortune when I really need it??? Huh, huh? Where is it?

And hey, I tried to go to Kosen Rufu Gongyo last weekend, but I got lost. Seriously. We were having it at the Edmonds Senior Center and apparently it's kinda screwy to get there. But I discovered that Edmonds is kind of a cute little town.

Happy March!

What does Seattle do to celebrate such an auspicious occasion? Dump a bunch of snow on the ground! Boy that groundhog sure wasn't kidding when he said we'd have six more weeks of winter.

Here I am at work, shamelessly scamming the internet. But hey, at least I'm on my lunch break. And I realize that I have been remiss in reporting what I've been up to.

The most important thing is that I found the right grad program, if a grad program is what I want to do. It's a Masters of Arts in Policy Study, it's with the University of Washington and given on the Bothell campus (I'm living and working in Bothell, by the by), and it's catered toward working people. I went to a couple of informational sessions and it's sounds really good. It actually sounded a lot like SUA. It's only 6 years old, and they said they are relying on the graduates to make the reputation (at which point I groaned). AND, they said the magic words. One of the graduates in working at a THINK TANK in D.C. that studies national education policy. Is that perfect or what??

But I decided not to apply for the fall. I realized that I havn't committed to the idea of a steady 40-hour a week job. I don't want to be a cog in the wheel, I just don't think I have the correct personality to be successful that way. I want to see if I can develop my writing in some way, really in any way. Not that I've been successful, though I think I'm making progress, I'm just not sure it's enough progress.

So the moral of the story is that I'm giving myself this year to find a way to become something besides a cog in the wheel (wow, I sure am attached to that phrase). If I can't, I'll apply for next fall's program. I'm going to keep working, save some money for something, and take classes. There are a couple classes that I need to make my grad application stronger, and I'm going to take some writing courses as well. My first one is on Saturday.

On a whole different note, I spent all of yesterday cooking, just for fun. Okay, maybe not ALL of yesterday, but it sure felt like it. My feet were awfully tired by the time dinnertime rolled around. Most of the stuff was pretty good. The fault for the only bad one lay, not in my cooking, but in my choice of recipes. Note to all who read this: BLT muffins are not a good idea.

I have hit upon the perfect CD combination. First you play James Blunt and you get a little melancholy. Then you play Darian Rice, or whatever his name is, and you contemplate ways to kill yourself. Then, as you're looking for the best place to hang a rope from, you play the soundtrack from Winged Migration and everything is happy again. I have to go now. I want to do it again, talk about an emotional rollercoaster!

Last post: Dec 16, 2006. Wow, LAST YEAR. It's already February! Time flies even when you're not having any fun.

I have no patience. I like to pretend I do, sometimes I can even trick myself. But I really don't. I want everything now. Time is my mortal enemy, literally, since if nothing else does, it will kill me. So what do I do about it? I micromanage my time. But that doesn't work, it just gives me a reason to get nothing done. Because if I miss my appointment with time, I'm off the hook, it's not my fault any more.

Sorry for blathering, I have nothing coherent going on in my brain!

Charm switch return to off.

I just got home from the company Christmas party. I helped plan it in that I called the caterer and DJ when my boss was too busy. Then, she didn’t show up to the party, and I inherited the job of coordinator. I didn’t even particularly want to go, and I ended up having to stay until the end to help kick the party people out.

The poll shows that I am a favorite of most of the engineers’ spouses. I got advice, compliments, and even a gift from the husbands and wives of the people I work with.

I shall be a live-in babysitter.

I found a grad program that is both interesting and in the same city that I work in!

Happy December. NOT.

For some reason I feel like even more of a slacker every time we change months. It means that I've let another one go by without accomplishing anything much. I think I did okay in November, but I suppose I'm looking for a huge leap instead of small baby steps.

I had a snow day today. It's not as much fun when you lose something from it, in this case MONEY. But I walked to the bank and opened an IRA, which was kinda fun. I've been putting it off for a while, but I thought I might as well today. So I did.

That was about all I did today of value. But it was a good day anyway.

Ick, I joined MySpace.

I went to *gasp* as SGI meeting this last weekend. There was a visiting leader who used to know my parents. I kinda recognized him and I definitely recognized his name. He told me that every time he sees me *and how often is that?* I look more and more like my mother. I was speechless, which is not a common adjective to describe me. I couldn't even come up with something polite and innocuous. Why would he think I would want to hear that? Should that make me feel good? It was really weird and I just kind of stood there until they brought out dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and we could comment on those.

I am officially a hypocrite. I got offered a regular position at work (surprise surprise, but hey, coulda been that they didn't like me or something). And remember how I said I might turn it down? Well, I'm not gonna. Yes, that's right, I sold my own self out for money. Making the transition ups my salary by $2/hour. That's a leap I like. And alas, have not fallen upon my dream job while thinking wistfully of my future.

I had a sort of epiphany. It's pathetic when someone is only doing their job because they can't think of anything else to do. I know, I know, the pot and the kettle and all that. It's especially pathetic when they look down on their own job. I don't want to be like that forever. The hamster is running fast in the hopes that the brain will be able to come up with a reason I'm not as pathetic as the epiphany-inspirer.

It's already November, and I'm scared that the next time I poke my head out of the sand, 23 more years will have passed. Time is dumb. When I take over the world, I'm going to suspend all time. Oh wait, I got demoted to Duchess, I forgot. Can a duchess suspend time? I'll just have to redefine the position.

I'm having trouble following through on my goals. But. Lately, I've been spending more time thinking that I should be doing something. It really cuts into the pleasures of vegging. Maybe one day something will happen.

Yesterday it took me forever to get to work, but at least I got there. Today I can't even get out of town!

It took me an hour and 20 minutes to get to work today. And an hour and 30 to get home. And then, when I did, it turns out the water supply in my city has been contaminated by the flooding! But if we take the House and the Senate, it will be worth it.

I called in sick to work today. I'm bad, but work is so boring! I had a whole conversation online with Rumiko the other day. And it wasn't me who had to sign off.

I'm spending today trying to figure out what to do. I'm still not a permanent employee yet, and I'm thinking that I may go a different way when it comes time for the permanence (if they want me that is). But I also can't think of what else I'd do or where else I'd go, so I'll probably stay.

I realized/admitted to myself today that I hate to read anything I've written. I can't decide whether it's because I recognize that I'm no good or just that I have a weird phobia.

But, as we discussed several times in Japan, there is such a thing as too much self-reflection.

I'm bored with my life. If this is how it's going to be for the next 60-70 years, I don't see the point. Life is supposed to be made up of the mundane, and we are supposed to find happiness in the little moments, because no way can we sustain that highs that most people seem to expect from life. But lately, okay for a while, that hasn't been happening. I don't even answer the phone anymore, because it's too much trouble. I have ideas that make me happy, but they also depress me because I know they most likely won't happen. And somehow, I can't seem to motivate myself out of the funk. Recognizing it has not gotten me much closer to defeating it. Maybe it only works for alcoholics. At least if I was an alcoholic, there would be a support group. Maybe I should join the club. Yeah right, I don't even have the energy to do something self-destructive.

I'm getting old. I listen to NPR on the way to work instead of music.

My Labor Day weekend was totally horrid! I went out for breakfast on Sunday morning, got horrible service, didn't enjoy the omelet, got charged an arm and a leg for it, and spent the rest of the day nauseous. Spent Monday on my back in bed with the worst headache I've had IN MY LIFE (and I don't think I'm exaggerating on that one), Tuesday mostly in bed. I went to work for about half the day today. I'm not throwing my anymore, but my stomach hurts like the dickens and I don't know why. But I'm too afraid to go see a doctor about it.

I WANT MY 3-DAY WEEKEND BACK!!

And it's my last week at work, so I have to, have to, get through the whole day tomorrow and Friday with something like productivity.

Happy Birthday to me and Cassie. Another year older and wiser.

Yesterday was the worst day of work ever!! Okay, probably not, but I had a pounding headache, I didn't eat anything for lunch, the owner sent everyone but me and two new girls home early, and then my boss was trying to joke with me! I was feeling guiltly about leaving, but yesterday pretty much finished that up for me.

My dad told me that his headhunter often places people in this company called Corbis. I think it's owned by Microsoft or the same people? Anyway, apparently they make bank, but they also work crazy hours to do so. He told me that if this next job doesn't work out, he'll talk to this lady about placing me there. Then I could work crazy hours for a year or two, pay off my loans real quick, and emerge a butterfly. Okay, maybe I made that up about the butterfly, but why couldn't he have told me about his nice headhunter BEFORE I found myself a job?

I had this crazy dream that reminded me of a Patricia McKillip book. I'm thinking of trying to write a story around it. And has anyone heard of The Buzz Ballads CDs. My coworker got them and burned them for me. They are the COOLEST set of compilation CDs EVER!

Yesterday, my boss, who has been pretty much ignoring me, called me in to have another "what are we going to do with Jessica talk." He blah blah-ed at me for a while, but he actually said a couple of interesting things about me while he was expounding on his vast knowledge of the entity known to the world as Jessica. He said that the reason I'm not happy is that 1)I'm an artist and 2)I need things to be static and I'm afraid of dynamism. That first one kinda distracted me with the thought that "hey if he sees me as artistic, maybe I am" but then I realized that he could just figure because he knows I like to write. But then I came around to the second point and I'm wondering. I know that I always say that I don't like change, but I never really believed it. Now I'm wondering. Part of the problem at work stems from other things, but maybe I really don't like change after all. It's gotten me to thinking anyway.

Not that it really matters anyway. They FINALLY called me back and I start the new job on the 11th. I don't remember if I mentioned it, but the liaison between us kept calling me and telling me that the chick wanted to hire me, but she was just waiting for approval from higher up. Well, she finally got the word, so here I am. And they also hired the person who will be replacing me today, she starts Friday, so I'll have two full weeks with her.

Switching gears. I took my cousin and her friend to a concert last night (on a work night, aren't I a great cousin) and I started to wonder if it's possible to be slightly bipolar. The headliners were Bowling for Soup (the people who did 1985) and the other bands were pretty similar, so it was good, but not great music. So anyway, I was pretty quiet during the whole thing and I got to thinking that I have only two setting on my volume control, mute and really loud. And I'm kinda like that everywhere else as well. I'm either bubbly or mopey. But I don't get suicidal (which is a good thing) and I don't think I get maniacally happy (except for every once in a while). So, is it possible to be slightly bipolar and can I take pills for that? I think that my mopey stages last too long and are getting in the way of my life.

Ah ha!

Today we learned how to fit our new line of diabetic shoes. Sound exciting doesn't it!! I played guinea pig and it turns out that I should be wearing a size 7 or 7 1/2 shoe. Is that insane? The other people who got fit were wearing the right size, it was only me. And I was thinking that I must just have wide feet, but they aren't all that wide. A "B" or "C" tops. So that is my world shaking event of the day.

I'm thinking I may have to buy some diabetic shoes though. They look sooo comfortable, and they are made so that they won't irritate your feet in any way. They cost quite a bit, but you can also get inserts that are molded to your feet!

I went on an interview last Friday, and things look pretty good. The lady said it was an "excellent interview" and that she'd get back to me early this week...but I was told that they are a little slow sometimes, so I'm not worried yet. Better pay, better benefits, a company that is not failing...what is there not to like? Eh, longer commute, but not too bad.

The one co-worker I will miss is kinda weirded out by me leaving, which makes me feel good, but I'll worry about her if (when, WHEN!!) I go. I think I'm the only person she really talks to about everything that freaks her out at work, most of the other people are slightly brainwashed, and if they aren't brainwashed, they are earmarked to be fired. That's where all my hesitation comes from - I hate to leave her with all the crazies, but she has a husband who is willing to support her if she quits, so I don't feel too bad. This week (all two days of it so far) has been pretty hard, so I am seriously ready to leave.

I have a job interview tomorrow morning. And surprise surprise, I'm conflicted about it. My bosses are starting to depend on me more and more, but they are firing people right and left. They hired someone last Thursday, then they fired two people Friday (supposedly for financial reasons), then they fired the person with the most seniority on Wednesday. Supposedly, these were layoffs, but they didn't start at the bottom of the totem pole, or else I would be gone. And now you understand why they are depending on me more and more.

On a side note, I think my arch-nemesis knows how to use the internet and is mad at me for writing about him. He wasn't in his accustomed spot when I came home this evening.

My arch-nemesis is a poofy black cat who sits in the parking lot right where I swing out to pull into my parking spot. I don't know his name, but I glare at him and he gazes back at me unimpressed. And I've been parking crookedly for weeks.

Once again I have to say that Hillary Clinton is cool. Not necessarily for her politics, I don't know that much about them and they are not relevant in this post. She is cool because she will tell Rumsfeld that he is incompetent and then she will tell an entire anti-war rally that she doesn't think a set date for troop withdrawal is smart. In short, though politicians have to pander to their constitutents, she tells them what she thinks even if it's not what they want to hear. We need someone who will tell us what they think so we know what they will do, instead of them telling us what we want to hear and then doing what they want anyway.

I'm playing hookie today and applying for jobs.

Do you think Ann will still make me rice balls if I ask her? Or does chanting and rice-ball-making go together? Wait! Do you have to chant to be able to EAT rice balls???? Oh no! Quickly, call the SGI hotline!

I'm getting really tired of living from weekend to weekend. Come Monday, all I want is for Friday to come.

So we had this idea for my aunt to find me a position as a second wife with some rich sheik. That way I wouldn't have to work anymore. She says they give each wife their own house, so I wouldn't have to deal with an upper wife bossing me around. Downside - I'd have to move out of the country. The sad part is, she could probably find me a position, but I'd have to convert to Islam.

Happy Friday. My boss told one of my co-workers that he likes me, but he doesn't think the company has a place for me. He says I belong in school, that that's where my heart lies and that he thinks it would be good if I just worked part time and went to school.

The same co-worker agrees that I just need to find a husband who will support me so I don't have to work full-time.

I'm so ready to leave my job! Today wasn't even a bad day, it was mildly successful. No one got particularly mad at me, except for one lady who figured out that she was the one who made the mistake. I got most of my little things taken care of. And most importantly, I didn't mess up anything - that I know of. Unfortunately, I spend all my time anticipating that next angry customer so much that I wince when someone walks in the door. Or something stupid happens with a product that we carry or a policy that comes down from on high, and I figure that nothing is ever going to change. Or my boss is going to expect something out of me that I just don't want to do.

I've figured it out. It's not my job that I don't like, it's the company. I am embarrassed to work for such a messed up company. I've been here 8 months, and it's not any better. I actually see the problems more clearly, but no one will listen to me who has the power to change it. I think the only way I would stay is if my boss sold the place. Maybe. It's also just an inherently messed up business model.

I used my nicer boss as a job reference, but I didn't tell her. Do you think that's going to be a problem?

I really really want the PR people to call. And if I were them, I would call me. The only requirement that I don't have is the PR degree. But it said elsewhere, PR, communications, journalism, or similar. With Humanities and The Pearl, I've got to be covered right? But I'm always nervous when I send out a resume. I feel so inadequate. What if they look at my address and figure I'm a waste of time because I live so far away. It is a little worrisome to think about that commute, but I could handle if for a while I think.

I got an email confirming that they received my resume, but that wasn't until 2:30 this afternoon. How long are they going to take? Hopefully enough time for me to finish getting my teeth done.

Sorry for the whining, but it makes me feel better. I don't really have anyone that I can whine about this stuff to. Some of the people I might whine to are right in the middle of it, i.e. coworkers (and that just doesn't feel right), and then everyone else is having extreme selfish-time - everyone wants to talk about they're own problems and they don't have time for anyone else's (I'm not leaving myself out of that group, just saying that it's happening to everyone all at once).

I just got back from "the girl trip" with most of my female family members. I just have a couple things to tell you all.

Louis and Clark got stuck on the beach for six days just before they made it to the Pacific Ocean. That spot is now called Dismal Niche. Cool huh?

We were playing a bunch of 70's songs on the way down. Have you ever heard the song that goes "I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you've got a brand new key..." My aunts were all laughing at the double entendres going on. Something about "going around the world." I thought I was pretty up on the dirty talk, but I'm lost on this one. The key thing is obvious, but what the heck do the rollerskates mean? Maybe it's better that I don't know.

Moving on, I found the perfect job for me. It's the PR assistant for the Seattle Symphony. Unfortunately, I'd have to move MUCH closer to Seattle, with about 6 months to go on my lease, but I'm applying tomorrow anyway.

I've had a revelation. Why is it that there has to be something, some career that I want to do? Can't it just be that I'm lazy and there's not going to be anything that makes me happy? Yup, that's my destiny. Except for becoming a platypus of course.

I was carrying my computer and thinking *something something,* "hey, I should definitely blog that." When I had the computer hooked up to the internet again, I had completely forgotten. I'll have to find something else to tell the people who come to read about the car wreck that is my life. Or maybe it's the car that's still sitting in the garage because I can't manage to hit the switch to open the door so I can get to the point of impact that will create the car wreck.

I had today off because I'm working Saturday. They told me yesterday. I'm getting tired of getting mixed messages. One minute, the boss is all worried about me and wants me to be happy, the next I'm being tossed around at the last minute because...I have no idea. We had everything all worked out, but... yeah.

On Tuesday we are going on our annual girl trip. My three aunts, my cousin, and I are going...down to the Oregon coast??? I think. I just get in the car and end up wherever we end up.

Ellie and I bought plane tickets for Japan. Somehow the tickets for October are more expensive than the ones for August were. At least we finally bought them. And they're non-refundable, so we have to go.

I went to Bellevue to buy sunglasses this weekend. I haven't seen the sun since.

My boss somehow got wind that I was ready to quit, and now he keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't want to lose me because I'm "adorable." I don't know if I can put that on a resume. But anywho, he basically asked me to design my job description, since he can't figure out what I'll do if we can manage to find someone else to take over the parts I don't like...

Sleepy sleepy, always sleepy

I need to try harder, try everything harder.

I'm so lost I don't know where to start.

I was in meetings today for hours while my boss tried to convince me that I need to be more critical when evaluating employee performance. And trying to convince me that we all need to take more personal responsibility for the reason the company's as messed up as it is. I think if he would just leave, we'd get a lot more done. At least he asked me what would make me happy at work.

My coworker gave her two-week notice today. Sigh, I suppose that means I won't be quitting anytime soon.

When does a tough situation go from a growth opportunity to a bad situation?

I'm having doubts as to what I can offer the world. Yeah I'm good at stuff other people can do, but I really want to differentiate myself somehow. I don't know if I can settle for anything less. I'm losing faith that I can?

I TRIED to tell my boss today that I want to quit, but she never got back to me.

AHH, I'm wavering on quitting the job!!!!! I'm STUPID STUPID STUPID. Today was a good day, but tomorrow probably won't be. Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it? But I am going to have a talk with my boss tomorrow (hopefully...if I can get her on the phone while I have a couple minutes to breathe).

p.s. I need to get a different dentist.

Two Mondays ago my boss calls me at work about 8:45 and tells me that he fired one of the girls who worked in Woodinville store and for me to go down to work there. And I've been down ever since. Last Monday, I gave up on the company and started searching for new job opportunities. I'm still trying to get up the nerve to tell my boss that I'm looking for another job.

My dilemma is that I don't want to get into another bad job situation, but I've been tempted almost every day to give my two weeks and use my savings while I look for another job.

My dad came over today because my brother picked up a virus (or 12). Garth didn't even realize it was Father's Day, aren't we a loving family. The weird thing is that I actually wanted to hang out with him (my dad). He didn't stay long, he played with the computer for a bit and we joined a bunch of cousins at my grandparent's house, but he had to go take his girlfriend plant hunting. Also weirdly, I wasn't too annoyed that he wanted to go hang out with his girlfriend except that I kinda wanted to talk to him.

What's your 4400 ability? the4400.com

Jessica you are a MIND CONTROL MASTER

There's nothing you like more than getting your way, and you're not opposed to cutting corners or stepping on toes to make it happen. And you're in luck - your abduction by-product would be the popular 4400 power of mind control! Think of all the time and breath you'll save by condensing your complex mind games into a split-second. Now you'll have time to work on being a little less calculating and a little more genuine. Just a thought.

Someone! Tell me where and when and how I should go back to school!

I went to Princeton Review to see if they could help...in any way. Instead, I read the seven (seven?) questions you're supposed to ask yourself before you go to grad school. The scariest one is something like "what job prospects are there for after school?" Ah man!

It only seems to have taken me three days of inept online research to find the perfect grad school for me. So why am I so leary of it?

Some background on the decisions I've made about grad school:

1. Not only have I decided to go to grad school, but I fugure I'll need at least two M.A.s, if not more. I'm looking at one in the Communications area (writing being all about creative writing, and that's not what I'm looking for) and one in the political arena (international relations/studies, politics, American Government...etc)

Backing up again for some who may not have heard:

• I decided that my dream job is to be like Rush Limbaugh (except for the politics and that people could probably spell MY name on the first try).
• I want to talk the talk without having to walk the walk. That shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me!

Fowarding again:

1. (Can't make the thing do 2) The best one before this current good one is George Washington University with a Masters of Media and Public Affairs, which I think is almost perfect with just the one M.A., but then I'm thinking, "oh no, then the second M.A. will be redundant."
2. (Do you see how I make a decision and then am affraid to change it?)
3. GWU would also be cool because it's right next to D.C. and it says that their students work in the capital a lot.
4. But then I'm thinking, if I'm going to be a rational Rush, I had better know what I'm talking about, so studying the "interactions among media, politics, economics, and human development" isn't really good enough.
5. Back to the two M.A.s
6. (Have you got the sense that I haven't even begun to look into the funding of this new little adventure?)
7. Then I find the NYU School of Journalism with their Cultural Reporting and Criticism Department.
8. Sounds really good. Not hard facts journalism, but biased, opinionated journalism. Doesn't that sound like the ticket.
9. Only now I'm waffling and am a bit intimidated.
10. Should the writing part come before or after the content part (meaning the political study)
11. GWU is really in a good spot for learning about politics.
12. And you have to submit a bijillion writing samples, which I probably should have thought of.
13. And I probably shouldn't set my heart on one program anyway right?
14. And it's in New York City for crying out loud! I don't even like going into SEATTLE.

So someone tell me. I seem to have found that it's going to be easier to find a communications school than a politiky one (not that I haven't found interesting ones), so should I wait until I'm finishing up the first one before I do research on the second, just in case I change my mind somewhere in there?

Update on the politiky part

• Interesting Program #1: University of Chicago, Center for International Relations. Sounded interesting to me, they say they are one of the oldest International Relations schools in the country, and it's only for one year.
• Interesting Program #2: University of Warwick, Politics and International Studies (located in Britain somewhere). Be kind of cool to study politics from another perspective, but I think that, if I somehow managed to become known, it would be a detriment to have studied outside the country.
• Interesting Program #3: Seton Hall University, Diplomacy and International Relations. Diplomacy is a good thing, it involves knowing both sides, something I am an advocate of. But who the heck has ever heard of Seton Hall before, and where is it?

Okay, I'm done. Sorry to go on for so long, but now that I have actually taken the fork in the road, I'm all confused. But I think it's a good confused. At least it gives me a goal, and I found that I can be more positive at work, focusing on what I can contribute in the (mostly likely) year before I leave for grad school, wherever that may be.

I know I already blogged today, but I have to share. I'm looking up grad schools, trying to figure out what to do, what to do. I found a Master's of Humanities at Salve Regina University in Rhode Island, and you can go straight on to a Ph.D. Basically it's a Master's of Core I with the option of a Ph.D. in Core I. This is the description of the Master's:

The Master of Arts in Humanities is an interdisciplinary program that seeks to foster a broad understanding of the qualitative aspects of life and culture through a study of disciplines such as history, literature, philosophy and religion. The course of study is intended for individuals who want to broaden their intellectual and cultural horizons. It also serves as excellent preparation for the Ph.D. degree in the Humanities.

And here is the Ph.D.:

The doctoral program in humanities provides an interdisciplinary investigation of the question “What does it mean to be human in an age of advanced technology?” In one form or another, this question commands attention as we enter the twenty-first century, and find ourselves continually challenged by technological change. This crucial question is addressed from a humanistic perspective: the fields of art, ethics, literature, management, philosophy and religion direct our investigation of advanced technology's implications on individuals and society.

I am actually and offically blogging from my own apartment. Yes, that's right, now it may actually be possible to contact me.

And let's also make it official that Jessica has decided to go to graduate school. I realized today that it was exactly a year after graduation, weird. Where and for what exactly, the research has yet to be done for, but something involving the written word. Rest assured, you will be kept abreast of all decisions.

This is my life:

• Alarm goes off at 6:12.
• 2 sessions of snoozing.
• 6:30, throw off the covers and spend 3-5 minutes convincing myself I really do have to get up and take a shower.
• Shower, dress, eat breakfast, all while trying to convince myself that today won't be such a bad day.
• Chant for a couple minutes, because, hey it can't hurt, and maybe it'll help.
• Read, stare, and/or try to figure out what I'm going to do at work all day long off into space for 15 minutes before I leave for work at 7:45.
• Get to work 5 minutes later.
• Spend the first 10 minutes trying to come up with a plan for the day that will trick my boss into thinking I'm being productive
• Spend the first 2-3 hours doing what I know is productive.
• Try to get someone to give me something to do that will be productive.
• Lunch, oh the freedom that an hour can bring.
• Spend the rest of the day trying to do what my bos wants me to do without being totally miserable and trying not to think about how usless it is.
• 5:00, get kicked out of the office, try to have a productive evening.
• At home, eating dinner and trying to convince myself that I shouldn't read the night away into oblivion because that makes tomorrow and the next day of work come too quickly.
• Try to think of what to do: look for another job? keep plugging until I can get a handle of the work situation, if that's possible? continue to be miserable and do nothing?
• Word on the "thing" I'm trying to write to see if there's any future in it for me for a few minutes and stare off into space.
• Go to sleep rediculously early becuase trying to avoid rocking the boat or making any decisions and reading all night is hard work.

Wow, I didn't realize I was so depressing.

Wow, the last time I posted was in February. Time is sure flying by, and I don't have all that much to show for it, how sad.

I just spent about a month and a half covering for a co-worker who quit suddenly. We've been having such a problem with personnel they didn't want to rush somebody in when we'd just have to cover again in another month. So anyway, I didn't mind so much, it was a much less stressful (overall) position with a lot less responsibilities. Unfortunately (for me) it was working with customers, and that was just too stressful when we didn't have exactly what they wanted or we screwed them over and I was the one they yelled at.

But now I'm back in my regular position, whatever that is. It changes every week anyway, and now I'm all confused about what I'm doing, what my priorities are and all that. My boss and I were talking and I was agreeing with everything he was saying (because duh, not so healthy to argue and he's a pretty confrontational person anyway) but then he made a comment about me not really having any position. And yeah, I knew he was talking in a circle and kept changing his mind, and I guess it was a little trap, and I fell into it, but I have no idea how to fix the company. Come on, it's so messed up!! I'd say scrap it and start somewhere else. Not the most profitable type of business, I don't know what possessed them to start it.

That's my rant about my work situation. My brother might be moving in with me. He's doing exactly nothing right now, and I'm hoping that if he moved in with me, I could bug him into getting a job or going back to school. But it's possible that the only thing that'll come of it is that I'll kill him and be an only child.

Ahhh, enough.

And here I am on the internet after two week without. I swear, I gotta get some at home or it's going to be a disaster.

So here I am, working, eating, and sleeping most of my days. But I did go to an open house kinda thing at a dance studio where a girl from my work goes/teaches. I went with another girl from my work and her husband. They signed up, but it was just a little too different for me. I had a girl trying to teach me salsa who still had to count semi-out-loud. It was odd. But it was fun and the first time I danced in a long time. I also learn the basic steps to the waltz, foxtrot, tango, and some silly thing called the hussle (just the merenge with a slightly different empahsis). They kept saying, "you follow well," or "you have natural hip movement" and I'd tell them that I did some latin dance before, but they'd still try to teach me every little thing. Oh well, they needed to teach me more than I needed to argue with them about how I didn't need it. But learning the other dances was kinda cool. I wish I could learn them fully, without having to deal with the plastic people who were the teachers. Oh yeah, and which side does the gay earring go on? There was an our-age guy there with an earring who looked just a little too polished to be straight, but not as gayfulicious as some of the other men who could have taught Male a thing or two about moving your hips.

And thus ends the narrative of the only interesting thing that I have done in the past two weeks, unless you want me to go on a rant about my work, which I assure you, you don't.